7 Simple Rules for Your Sexiest Sunday

Lazy Sundays are probably the best time of the week. Everyone across Facebook and Twitter is talking about their lazy Sundays (especially after all that Halloween partying). Sometimes we take time off to enjoy Sundays. When we do, we enjoy sexy activities to pamper ourselves. Because feeling sexy is just as important being sexy. Our Erica Grigg reports on the things that make her feel sexiest.

* * *

As the Chief Lust Officer, I have big shoes to fill. Friends, family and readers ask, "What should I do to feel sexier?". What it comes down to: how do I feel better to have better sex? Alright, I'll share some of my simple, slightly silly secrets to feeling sexy.

#1 A long bath

I'm daydreaming of this right now. Soaking; the longer the better. The more bubbles the better. Get extra soapy, extra relaxed. And open a bottle of bubbly to top it off! It doesn't need to be expensive. Just taking this time is what it takes to feel sexier. Of course, this requires you to feel you deserve all this self love and attention. Why? You deserve it! Man or woman, bubble baths are not gendered.

Although I admit it's been a long one since I've drawn a bath, it's just one of the most relaxing activities. Speaking of which, I'm going to schedule a bath. Because scheduling sex is just as important as scheduling time for your self.

#2 A mud mask

There's no other choice but to laugh. You look crazy. You likely are some weird color. But putting a masque on your skin is an excellent way to exfoliate. Have you looked at how radiant your skin is after cleansing? Yes.

Though I wouldn't recommend doing this more than 2 times weekly. It'll dry out your skin. Especially in Chicago with winter coming, you want to apply moisturizer after.

#3 Laugh

OK, I just helped that one I think. Or at least I left you wondering, "Why the hell did you include a guy smoking a cigarette in a mud mask?!" Yes according to University of Maryland, laughing makes you feel great. Why? According to the Discovery Network, "There is a stress-induced chemical in the body called cortisol, which contributes to problems like heart disease, hypertension and obesity. When we laugh, we set off a chain reaction that reduces cortisol levels."

#3 Work out

It might've been 4 days or 4 weeks. Maybe even 4 months. Just because you aren't the habit of working out doesn't mean you can't run and jump outside. After hours of working on our rumps during the week, we can start thinking sitting is normal. And healthy. It's not!

Get off your ass. Run, jump and play! Alternatively, go to the adult center for running and jumping - the gym. The gym is the ideal place to get your stress out from a long week. Don't hesitate. Do it! You might be out of shape. You might feel silly. That's OK. You're beautiful. You're competent. And no one at the gym really cares about how you look.

Once you've completed your (small, medium, large) workout -- don't forget to stretch. Have you ever had the cramps of the world the day after visiting the gym? No. It's bad.

#4 Stretch

Next to going to the gym, stretching is awesome to stay limber. No time to visit the gym? Stretch. Touch your toes. There are even stretches before or after sex.

#5 Get naked in front of a mirror. Don't wince

This might be surprising, but your body is likely completely normal. You might be like me--a little pudgy by traditional standards. Maybe you're tall. Or short. Stocky or fit. Either way, getting comfortable in your own skin works wonders for your overall sexiness.

#6 Watch feminist porn (or just visit Lady Cheeky)

There are plenty of reasons to watch porn. We even have recommendations for feminist porn! We'll have more on 'traditional' versus 'feminist' porn. There are several differences. The most striking of which is feminist porn includes far more women producers and directors. From what I've seen, there's a lot more queer porn from the feminist perspective. Overall, for me, feminist porn is awesome and erotic.

#7 Feel like a master

I'm not actually talking about being a submissive here, surprising enough. Although, if that's your thing, we do have several recommendations for being a great submissive. When was the last time you feel like you did something really well? Do you remember that feeling of conquering the world? You could do anything. You were Queen Kong (or King Kong). No one could touch you. Go back there. That is (for me at least) a great source of sexiness.

This is post by Erica Grigg, our Founder and Chief Lust Officer. She's a writer, marketer, social entrepreneur and sex geek. She wants to end boring sex. If you don't see Erica riding around downtown, Chicago in her beach cruiser or at a diner with her adoring husband, you see her chatting up the tech community about the importance of sex and love in marriage. Follow Erica on Twitter @ericagrigg or subscribe via Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

Want to connect about business partnership with a woman-run business that cares? E-mail me directly at erica@getlusty.com.

Read more »

28 Surprising Benefits of Being a Loving Couple

Do you realize how wonderful it is to have a loving spouse? Being in an amazing sexual relationship is beautiful and can be very beneficial for your overall health and even finances. Even when things get difficult, being close to someone is one of the best things life has to offer. Of course we get bored and forget how lucky we are to be close to someone. That's OK! At GetLusty, we've put together a list of just some of the benefits of being part of an awesome couple.

* * *

#1 Waking up next to each other. Loneliness might be the most despairing aspect of being single. Opening your eyes after a long nights sleep and seeing the beautiful face of the one you love is a wonderful thing.

#2 Always having someone to see a movie with. Not to say that convenience is a benefit, but if you've found the right one, then you have a best friend who is there to share all your cinematic adventures with.

#3 Seeing the smile on your partners face when you bring them breakfast in bed. From childhood we humans have this obsessive urge to please the ones we love. We behaved this way with our parents, aunts, and grandparents. Now that we're all grown up, we want to carry this convention forward with our relationships. It gives us a sense of accomplishment, and reminds us of how loved we are.

#4 Loving the sound of your partner's annoying laugh. Being ridiculously and insanely smitten with someone is one the most exciting occurrences one will ever experience. To be so infatuated that every little annoying habit becomes a spine-tingling, hair-raising event.

#5 Being able to test your robot dance out on a captive audience. Many of us have a hard time being ourselves out in public. Some of us even dread the idea of co-worker or family member seeing how we act at home, when we're all alone. When you have that special someone in your life, you have a person who loves every silly, bizarre thing you do, and you'll love performing for them.

#6 Having someone to hold onto while you watch "The Exorcist" for the fourth time. It's not just a benefit for the ladies. No matter what your man tells you, he gets scared too, and having someone there provides a huge sense of safety. Having someone who makes you feel safe carries over to larger issues in life - not just spooky movies.

#7 Taking showers together. With your partner there for every aspect of your life, those once ordinary day-to-day tasks suddenly become potential erotic adventures.

#8 Attending your favorite sporting event together. Many singles stubbornly think that sporting events are just for the guys, but a victory make-out session is much more exciting than a few high-fives with your pals. Another benefit is the amount of adrenalin that's built up during a game. Adrenalin always makes for great sex after the match.

#9 Knowing that you have someone to depend on. Your partner is more than just bed mate, they're your companion - someone to experience this life with. Life gets hard, and complicated, and can even seem unbearable at times. The great thing about a couple is, when you fall, there is always someone there to pick you up.

#10 Feeding each other chocolate covered strawberries. Everyone loves being pampered. Whether it's sharing fruit, or a massage. You'll always have someone there to spoil you.

#11 No more depressing masturbation! We know, there will always be masturbation, no matter how often you and your partner have sex. After discovering that intense connection we call love with someone, the sexual experience ascends to something greater than just satisfying that itch in your pants.

#12 Taking vacations together. The majority of us are not loners. Deep down in our core, we crave friendship and community. When it comes to traveling, most of us are intimidated by the thought of going at it alone, so having that loved one next to you seems to arouse the explorer in us.

#13 Perpetual encouragement. Even the best of us lose a little self-esteem from time to time. It's an amazing thing to always have someone there to help rebuild your fortitude.

#14 All-night Netflix marathons. One of the most adventurous things we did in our childhood was staying up all night with our best friends, watching movies and playing games. After we all grew up, that didn't seem to happen anymore. Your friends have lives of their own now and don't seem too excited about having a slumber party with you. Well, that's what your partner is for. He or she is your new best friend, and they'll always be there to help you build that fort in the living room.

#15 Your ass will always look great in that outfit. As we've noted before, confidence is a huge issue with us humans. We are constantly worried about how others see us, and we're even a little superficial at times. Your girlfriend or boyfriend always wants to be the hottest person you know, and you always will be, because you really are the hottest person in the world to them. 

#16 The glorious majesty of oral sex. Sure, you can get a blowjob during a one-night stand, but will it be the greatest blowjob you ever receive? Probably not. Having that one person, night after night, day after day, to explore and experiment with - that's how you master the art of oral sex. Cunnilingus takes some practice, and is a different experience with every woman. Nobody knows how to blow their woman's mind on the first try. It takes time. A couple has the benefit of discovering that perfect orgasm.

#17 Relaxing in the tub together. Everyone loves a bubble bath! Having someone's slippery, naked body rubbing against yours turns that tranquil time in the tub into a romantic, and erotic engagement.



#18 Holding hands (duh!). Intimacy is incredibly fulfilling, whether it's spooning in bed, or just walking down the street, hand-in-hand. Maybe we get it from childhood, the safety and comfort of having someone hold your hand while crossing the street or wandering through a busy public space. What ever the reason, we all love doing it. 

#19 Having a road-trip partner. Before you found the love of your life, you had to ask around to find a friend who would take a trip with you. Sometimes that can be hard. Sometimes nobody wants to be stuck in a car with you for several hours at a time. A couple never has this issue. You're already spending every day together, so it might as well be spent in a car. There's not much better than exploring the open road with someone who laughs at all your bad jokes. 

#20 Having someone to split a Twix with. We're not saying you should be in a relationship just so you don't waste food, but the sharing aspect is very important. You're sharing food, experiences, thoughts - everything you love, everything you hate. You can think of it as "becoming one" with each other, or you could also see it as one person becoming twice as awesome. 

#21 Experimental cooking. Single folks usually fall into their own routine, and they stick with it until someone comes along and introduces them to something new. For the stereotypical male, it's pizza, hot wings, and anything that's easy to cook. When you find yourself in a couple, you discover this urge to try new things. You've merged your lifestyle with someone else's, and that tends to shake things up a bit. You'll both want to find ways to change those old habits of yours.

#22 Getting texts during your work day that make you feel better. You're not alone in this world. The crappy day at work doesn't have to seed into your mind when you have someone on your team, routing for you. He or she isn't just the person you hook up with at home every night, they're personal pep rally. By the end of  your shift, if won't matter how much your boss yelled at you - not when you know you're in love, and are loved in return.

#23 Having someone who makes sure you don't get too drunk. Sometimes your judgement can waver a bit, and you might need a little assistance. It's nice to have someone looking out for you - someone you will thanking in the morning.

#24 Having someone who will listen to you complain about your parents. After a while you'll notice that some of your friends don't make the best listeners, and your siblings can be a little critical, especially if you're the younger one. A couple always has someone to hear their problems, without judgement.

#25 Negotiating foot massages and back rubs. Single people need to pay people for this kind of thing. Other than the financial benefit, it can be really fun bartering for things with loving displays of affection.

#26 Realizing that even when you fight, you still love each other. You'll notice that singles don't fight. They can always just walk away from an argument, but not couples. They love and care for one another. The argument is important.

#27  Getting to experiment with pubic hair lengths. OK, this sounds a little weird, and maybe even a little gross, but think about it. There are places on your body you would never allow a lover to explore. Be in a couple for a certain amount of time and see how absurdly comfortable you become around your partner. You'll start peeing in front of each other, picking your nose in front of them, and yes, playing with their pubic hair.

#28 Knowing how lucky you are. This might not sound like an extremely important benefit right away, but try to remember the last time you felt this way. Happy couples are so damn happy because of little things like this. You'll see them around sometimes, walking tall, a modest smile on their face.

Jason Estrada is currently working on his master's for creative writing, in the hopes of becoming a very rich screenwriter some day. His other interests include photography, cinematography, and video editing. His favorite book is The Great Gatsby. Favorite movie is either The Crow or When Harry Met Sally - can't decide. And his all time favorite show is Doctor Who.

When he's not enjoying any of those things, you can find him at home, drinking and smoking way too much while listening to VNV Nation. You can email him at jason@getlusty.com, or try his Facebook page.

Read more »

Camille Crimson on How To Receive A Blowjob Respectfully (NSFW)

Is there a way to receive head respectfully? Our favorite blowjob guru, Camille Crimson, offers her expertise. Camille already recommended ladies (or gents) to give good head (and even given her best blowjob recommendations). Camille is here to give men advice on how to make it clear to your partner that you would love a blowjob, while still remaining a respectful and caring lover. We all love blowjobs, guys, and this article offers great tips on how you and your partner can use blowjobs to show (and accept) the love between you and your partner.

* * *

I spend my days focused on blowjobs. Really. I shoot blowjob videos with my long-term partner to be featured on our two fellatio-oriented sites—The Art of Blowjob and Slow Motion Blowjob. I write a tremendous amount about my experience as a feminist making (blowjob) porn and I wind up giving a lot of advice about the ins and outs of blowjobs. You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who spends more time thinking about the oral arts. 


Of course, I spend a good chunk of time thinking about how much I enjoy them and how to best share that with the world but, as with anyone who puts that kind of complex and personal content into the world, I also get a tremendous amount of response to what I do. Time and time again, I encounter men who just want to reconcile their good guy-dom with enjoying getting a blowjob, and why shouldn’t they?

There are a tremendous amount of unpleasant blowjob tropes out there in the porn world. That was a huge reason for me to focus on the niche. It’s surprisingly hard to find a video of a woman really enjoying herself while giving a blowjob without using sensationalistic and not necessarily sex-positive wording. Mostly it’s a lot of gagging and choking or just phoning it in. There isn’t anything wrong with that per say, especially when framed in a clearly consensual context, but it’s certainly not the ideal experience for a lot of men or women and yet it’s the dominant portrayal of a pretty common sex act.



The reason I bring this up is because it colors a lot of the thoughts one has when thinking about blowjobs. While he can easily surmise, whether through personal experience or intimation, that it feels pretty amazing to have someone’s mouth on his penis, the idea can also conjure up fear of seeming inherently disrespectful or having a partner who isn’t really into it. I feel like the best way to ward off these feelings is to look at the way you ask for what you want. It goes without saying that you should avoid coercive statements, but you should also be able to explain what it is that makes a blowjob important to you.

I know that sounds a bit like an essay question, but the more you can honestly communicate what feels good for you in a way that is sexy and direct, the more people will be inclined to be both personally invested and turned-on by the prospect. There is also concern stemming from the notion that blowjobs are a one-way sex act and that many people feel that’s a bad thing.

I tend to respond to these concerns in two equally important ways: first, that many people find giving pleasure very arousing and second, that there are lots of ways to give back. People often assume that the typical protocol is oral sex for oral sex, but that creates assumptions about what your partner may want. Whether it’s a new flame or someone you know very well, asking what makes them feel good yields some very useful information and shows that you care about actually making them feel good instead of just adhering to a sexual script.

When it comes to longer term relationships, sometimes it’s hard to ask for a blowjob, especially if your partner has become less sexual over the years. This is where things get more delicate. It’s important to keep in mind that routines aren’t easily broken and patterns don’t shift overnight, but having ongoing respectful talks about ways to feel more fulfilled in your relationship in general will open up the floor to discuss sexual issues, including blowjobs. Sometimes doctors or therapists can help with larger hormonal or emotional issues, but it does all start with a commitment from both sides to be open-minded and understanding in an effort to find common ground.

Another thing that feels like a huge deal is when you want a rougher blowjob. Just as coming out about any kink, it’s hard to rationalize these desires to yourself, let alone anybody else. The best thing you can do is to contextualize the desire as sexual, be amenable to starting out with just a little experimentation, be aware that this may not be a frequent occurrence and spend time working out safety together as a team. If you are a respectful person and you go out of your way to make that clear, fantasy can be fun and most people are open to trying it with the right framing. You may not get everything you want at the beginning, and being accepting of that is a big part of being a good guy about getting a blowjob. Some people will gladly jump right in, and you can take this with a grain of salt, but that’s not everyone’s natural inclination. If you find yourself with someone who is having a harder time with it, try to understand and be patient. Not everything comes easily, but it’s certainly worth the wait.



Above all else, make your partner feel sexy and wanted. This isn’t just about you getting a sensation you like, it’s about wanting that sensation from them. Being genuinely happy to be with them and excited to be giving as well is so sexy, and it’s valuable in and of itself. All of this builds upon itself, creating a relationship where passion can grow, people feel safe and you’re both encouraged to explore.

Cross-posted with permission from the Good Men Project (originally posted there).

Camille Crimson specializes in sexuality, feminism, oral sex, and creating and marketing beautiful porn. Her websites The Art of the Blowjob and Slow Motion Blowjob are full of exquisite photo and video shoots that showcase "the subversive yet natural subject we all love: sex". On top of being a versatile business woman, Camille plays guitar, loves horror movies, and has recently gotten into motorcycles. Follow Camille on Twitter @CamilleCrimson.

Read more »

Ladies! 4 Tips on How to Get Him to Initiate Sex

Ladies, are you initiating the sex in your relationship more often than not? Does it seem like your partner never gets things started? Sex life coach Eric Amaranth is here with both why that is and solutions for your lover to get things moving!

* * *

As a sex life coach, I hear a particular question fairly often: “How do I get him to initiate sex more often? I feel like I’m always the one who gets things started.” Some of the reasons why he may be doing this can combine together to make him even less likely to charge forward. These four tips are by no means a complete solution, but they are very solid things I tell my clients.

#1 One of the most common reasons why men, young and older, slow down their initiation of sex is because of their affectionate love for their women partners. Affectionate sweetness is absolutely necessary in a relationship.

However, the more a man feels that toward his girlfriend or wife, the less likely he is to be in the mindset of “taking her,” which is more about erotic desire satisfaction than soul mate feelings (though soul mate feelings and erotic desire can be combined). Especially if his partner is a mother as well, which is to many, an asexual role. (Inside tip: Don’t start calling your partner mommy or daddy even though the kids do.)

The first and most important step to fix this is awareness of it, combined with understanding that relationships are best when they have both erotic actions and affectionate actions. Next, I suggest spending a little time daydreaming about the sexiest parts of her body or how beautiful her pretty face looks when it’s in a sexual mode. Fantasize about what you want to do to her and feel from her. Look forward to the next time when you may have a moment to share in some hotness. Monogamous couples have to be more aware and practiced with retaining hot viewpoints of their partners. What makes that a bit more challenging leads us into point two:

#2 The law of diminishing returns. Also known as the brain’s love and favor of novelty in everything be it music, food, or sex. This is why it’s important to continue to actively build and care about your sex life the same way you do your financial/business life. Finance gets more focused attention by default because it’s what pays the bills. While it’s true that good sex doesn’t fit into the survival-in-the-world category, it definitely fits into the survival-of-your-relationship category. It also fits into the pursuit of happiness category, because, as we all know, there is more to life than survival.

What that means for you is when you are actively brainstorming on and practicing brand new, hot, and intimate sex ideas, or spicy variations on what works in the present, it sparks mental interest to start experimenting with those things or keep going with perfecting them. When that’s in place, initiating springs forth naturally and more frequently. In women too!

#3 A dynamic can emerge where the woman holds the keys to the bedroom: “I’m not in the mood.” – “I’m too tired.” – “F**k me now!” – “Don’t you want me?” etc. There are many reasons for this dynamic, which is a whole other article. The man recognizes this pattern and, in polite or begrudged deference to her, moves into a place where he waits for her to say the word. Sometimes unconsciously. Then she wonders what happened.

There is deeper detail to solving this dynamic for every given couple of course, but one thing I can suggest to try is when he initiates, even if you aren’t in the mood in the moment, start with long deep kissing. Tell him to kiss you slowly. It’s been shown that deep, slow kissing is a consistent way to get a woman in the mood. Combine that kissing as things warm up with hands caressing where they will. Make out with him. If his make out skills are good, you’ll get in the mood. Another great way to get in the mood is an oiled back, shoulders, and bum massage for her. That leads me to my last suggestion:

#4 When the two of you establish successful ways she or he loves to be seduced, so to speak, return to those methods when it’s time to initiate and do so confidently. For example, if she loves an oiled massage, walk up behind her and tell her slowly and distinctly that you want to feel her hot oiled [insert sexy bod part here]. Then you want to… etc etc. When you mention something sexual you want, that is also something she loves to have done to her, it’s a much more consistent path to her rapt interest.

Men can make the logical mistake of what has been called the, “Am I gonna get lucky tonight?” approach. It fails because it is based in a self-centered perspective of how sex will benefit him and him alone. It’s logical because he knows how good it’s going to feel to his penis. (Remember, the only one that has to orgasm to make babies is the male, so his path to that is much more efficient.) Men who still do this must take on a seduction style that reflects his and her desires and hot spots. This makes initiating even more commonplace because the answer is almost always yes and the resulting sex is amazing for both. As his sexual sophistication grows, he’ll brainstorm up new seduction/initiation methods, which keeps things varied and exciting

Check out the original post at Sex Life Coach NYC.

Have a spare 5 minutes? Help end boring sex and enter to win a Sqweel 2 (the world's best selling oral sex toy) at the same time! Take our quick survey by October 15th.

Eric Amaranth is a sex life coach, working in NYC and globally via video conference, who specializes in women’s and men’s sexuality, basic to advanced sex skills, and high-end sex education. Individuals and couples are guided toward the relationship, intimacy, and sexual enjoyment goals they desire most.

Amaranth believes that for the majority of people, appreciation of ourselves and our romantic partners is one of the best sustainable resources we have to continuously renew attraction, maintain respect, and stay in love with our partners. This bedrock of deep appreciation is founded and reinforced by the combination of loving relationship skills with breathtaking sexual skills. Follow him on Twitter @eric_amaranth.

Read more »

3 Ways To Reconnect for More Love This Weekend

Keeping happy and healthy relationships takes time and effort. They certainly don't fall out of the sky. In many romantic movies, there is almost always a, "happy ending". You might tear up, wishing that your relationship was that romantic and sweet.  Well, real relationships have ups and downs. They're not like the movies. Then again, love can be re-kindled and certainly can be re-ignited. So what does it take to maintain your love throughout the years? We'll have more articles on this topic, but re-connecting is an essential component to that. Here, Crimson Love reports on ways to re-connect for more love.

* * *

Your relationship can be romantic and loving. In fact, your relationship should be amazing. At GetLusty, we believe if you put in effort, you too, can have an amazing sexual relationship! We also know you're busy. But daily or weekly, we've included several clear ways to re-connect and re-ignite your sparks around the love you both have for each other. Keep your relationship special. Re-connect! Read on.

1. Designate cuddle time

It may seem a little elementary for a couple to cuddle, but don't underestimate this activity. Turn off your phones and don't allow yourselves to be interrupted.

Taking the time to lay or sit together and cuddle allows you time to relax and reconnect both emotionally and physically.

Be fully present in the moment and take it all in, smell them, feel them, listen to them. There is no better place to be than to be in the arms of your lover.

2. Take a shower or bath together

Taking a shower or bath is a very intimate act in general, but doing it with your lover it makes it all the more special and intimate. Doing this allows you to see your lover in their most raw form and enjoy them in that way. Wash each other, shampoo your lovers' hair, take your time and don't rush. By doing this, you show your loved one your appreciation and care for them. Sometimes, you both want and need that boost and you don't even know it!


3. Cook together

Food is always a sensual experience when done right. Decide on a meal together, go to the store together if you can. Get in the kitchen, put on some music, drink some wine, feed each other and enjoy the time. Just have fun and catch up with each other.

When life gets busy, sometimes you have to be reminded to take time out with your honey and enjoy each others company. Give yourself the opportunity to fall in love or discover new things about each other. It keeps the relationship fresh and sweet.

With love from GetLusty!

This is a guest post by our very own Crimson Love. Crimson is our resident fetish expert. If you don't see Crimson out dining with her adoring boyfriend, you'll find her reading books on innovation or finance. Crimson is currently finishing off her Bachelor's, she is passionate about food, photography, music and especially sex--and she's not afraid to talk about it. With everyone!

Have story ideas? Get in touch with Crimson at amber@getlusty.com. 

Read more »

4 Tips for Making Sex Amazing (Without the O)

It's getting toward the end of Orgasm October. We've talked a lot about orgasms. Having different kinds of female orgasms, surprise female orgasms, male multiple orgasms and beyond. It's totally normal to equate a really intense orgasm with great sex. What if we didn't have an orgasm? Tia Champagne is here again to talk about orgasms (or lack there-of) during sex.

* * *

Like many other contributors have already mentioned, achieving orgasm between 2 partners in a relationship requires some practice, communication, and trust. There has to be mental and physical arousal for the body to really finish what could be the highlight of sexual intercourse. However, who said having an orgasm means good sex? Not me.

We all know the definition of sex. Whether it includes oral, anal, or purely penetration, but how many of us really know what good sex is? And does good sex mean having a more than happy, but orgasmic ending? What I'll explain here is not necessarily. When it doesn't, it's not the be-all-and-end all of sex. In fact, it can be an extremely satisfying experience.

Below are 4 tips to feel fully satisfied (and amazing) without reaching orgasm.

#1 Drop the expectations

Having wonderful sex isn't just about having clitoral or other orgasm. Don’t have sex expecting to orgasm. Sometimes, our expectations only lead to disappointment.

You know that cliché quote that says something about life being a journey, not a destination? Well, think of orgasm in that way. If it happens, it happens. But what happens on the way is super important too. Enjoy your time together--be intimate and open. At times, your orgasm will happen. Other times, you might just learn a thing or two about your partner you might not have known otherwise.

#2 Don't be afraid of quickies

For some women, a quickie could be a great time--with or without orgasm. The spontaneity, the rush, and sometimes, the funny awkwardness of it all could be the best sex you’ve had. On the other hand, some women prefer to take an hour--half of that for foreplay and the other for just intercourse. Take the time, even if your partner has a raging boner, to explore each other. If he’s impatient and needs his kick, tease him. Don’t let him get it until you’re ready, too. Teasing doesn’t necessarily have to start before sex—it can also happen during. Moral of this story? Enjoy what’s going on in the moment and don’t focus too hard on what could happen later.

#3 Focus on the fun

When you’re not expecting to orgasm, sometimes you focus on the new tricks you want to try. Backwards cowgirl could be uncomfortable at first for a lot of women.

Maybe the penis is hitting the cervix too deeply. She might feel weird with her anus in his face, or maybe her legs aren’t long enough to get that full bounce.

Either way, when you’re not expecting an orgasm, you’re more likely to change up your routine to learn what other positions turn you on. Taking a little time out to focus on the newness of it all could actually be the best thing you and your partner ever did.

#4 Use your six senses

While doing it, do a little bit more. Don’t just focus on your vagina or his penis. Bite his ears, suck his nipples, smell his hair. Using your six senses could arouse you in a different way than stimulating your clitoris. Watch his penis slide in and out of you. All of a sudden, your partner is your own personal porn star! Allow yourself to watch, listen and feel what’s going on with both of your bodies and not just between the legs.

Overall, orgasm is wonderful. And just one more time for fun-sies, orgasms do make sex a great experience. But sex can also be great without it.

What do you think good sex is and why? Let me know by sending an email at tia@getlusty.com. If you have any questions, concerns, or fantasies you’d like to share—go ahead and email me or leave a comment below. I’d love to talk to ya.

Call her Tia Champagne. She's a recent graduate of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. During her college career, she was part of a volunteer group called the Sexual Health Peers where she bonded with like-minded, sex-positive people from various backgrounds and orientations. She has taught workshops on STDs, birth control, safe sex, and relationships. It was one of the highlights of her college career and allowed her to get involved in Planned Parenthood of Illinois in Action. She was a Campaign Organizer who stood for the reproductive rights of women in Illinois.

As a third-wave feminist, she currently works in the makeup industry promoting what she believes in: women should feel and be as beautiful as they want to without scrutiny. She believes in teaching factual and healthy outlooks on sex and relationships as a way to create a sex-positive culture where future generations can thrive. E-mail me directly at tia@getlusty.com.

Read more »

Is Polyamory an Alternative to Cheating?

Polyamory can be a way to stave off boring sex. But can it actually save a relationship? O.M. Grey explores the common pitfalls of a long-term relationship and how sexual relationships with other people may be just the thing to draw you and your partner closer together.

* * *

“That doesn’t work.” No doubt, if you have heard someone talk about polyamory, or any of the terms describing open marriage or non-monogamous relationships, and especially if you have suggested it to your spouse or significant other, you likely heard those words.

What if monogamy doesn't work?

The harsh truth about marriages in today’s society is that nearly 50% of them end in divorce, largely due to infidelity. Second marriages, in which one would think they had avoided the pitfalls that ended their first marriage, have a 60% divorce rate. Third marriages? 75% divorce rate. Perhaps it is monogamy that doesn’t work. That said, alternative lifestyles like polyamory don’t work for everyone either. Couples are like snowflakes; no two are alike. What works for one couple may not work for another. There is not a magic tool that will fix all marriages, but it helps to have as many tools in your toolbox as possible.

Redefining "family values"

As a society, we pride ourselves on our “family values.” We fall in love and get married. We buy a house. We have kids. We build our career. We join a church or social group. We are living the American dream. Until it turns into a nightmare.

“Love,” that euphoric feeling and rush of desire so common at the beginning of a new relationship, always fades. It. Always. Fades. There are no exceptions to this. You may be reading this saying to yourself, “Not my marriage, because I still feel a rush when my wife kisses me! Not my relationship! It won’t fade.” It will.

The average length of time for that “in love” feeling to last in a primary relationship is two years. Which means you may be in your fifth year of wedded bliss, still getting excited watching your wife get dressed in the morning, but someone else has lost it in their first year. Perhaps even before their first year.

It fades. It’s a fact of life. That feeling of euphoria fades, and there is nothing wrong with that. Too many couples think that the honeymoon is over when that fades or that it must not have been true love, but that is not the case. It was very real, but it was just the first step. A deeper connection and a more beautiful love come after that. Something real. Something that lasts. Something that is not just based on brain chemicals and hormones. True intimacy is what comes next, if you are willing to do the work to establish that.

Recently, when discussing polyamory with a friend, he said to me, “But it’s just so much easier to cheat and lie about it.” We had had a conversation about polyamory years ago when my husband and I first were experimenting with an open marriage. This friend said his wife would never go for it, but he did bring it up in passing one day. Her response? “That doesn’t work.”

Two years later, he had an affair. His wife is blissfully ignorant of it, but if and when she finds out--and let’s face it, they usually do--she will feel devastated and betrayed. And she should, because he betrayed her trust. He betrayed their vows. He lied to her, and the greatest pain is in the deception, not the sex. He adores his wife. I know it doesn’t seem like it, because he did cheat on her, but he does adore her.

The recipe for infidelity

Perhaps the greatest problem with the monogamy model is that it does not leave room for personal growth and personal satisfaction. The monogamy model shows us that once you are married you stay married. Or you get divorced. Or, of course, you cheat. But then, you are no longer monogamous.

Desire happens. Even love sometimes just happens. Usually when you least expect it and even if you don’t want it. We are sexual beings. Sex to most men and many, many women (more than you’d think!) is as essential a need as food, water, and shelter. Sex, after several years of marriage, can fall to the wayside because the comfort and security are there. The kids. PTA meetings. Career. Daycare. Housekeeping. After all the maintenance of life, sex falls to the side. Where once you had sex daily or at least weekly, now weeks or even months may go by without sex.

Then one day it happens. You’re off on a business trip, or at the office and you notice someone. S/he notices you, too. You feel seen. You feel attractive and interesting and desirable--all those things that your spouse truly knows but no longer seems to notice. Is this person better? Younger? Sexier? More beautiful than your spouse? Not necessarily. In fact, unlikely. S/he’s merely different. New.

So. What are your choices? Deny your own desires, or worse, your heart, if you’ve fallen “in love”? Your other choice, the one that has become far too common in our society, is to cheat on your spouse, jeopardizing your marriage and family, if you have children. All for what? To feel good. Not attractive options. Especially because this new “in love” euphoria, too, will fade over time. As many people find out in their second and third marriages, it always does. It is biology.

Is there another way?

Here is a third option: polyamory. Polyamory is many things, but it is not a license to have sex with whomever or whenever you want. Not necessarily. Not unless that is what you and your spouse decide. Polyamory cannot really be defined, as it means different things to different people. In fact, polyamory might not mean having sex with anyone but your spouse.

Polyamory is about open and honest relationships, which first and foremost must happen in your primary relationship. For starters, you can use this new office attraction as “borrowed desire,” sparking things at home, but not deceptively. Tell your spouse about it. I know this sounds terrifying, but this is how one develops true intimacy and a deeper relationship with one’s spouse: by sharing fears.

You must start and end the conversation with reassurances on how much you love him/her and how you would never leave him/her. Tell them that revealing this is scary to you because you are afraid s/he will think something is going on, but that is precisely why you are telling them; to reassure them that there isn’t. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be telling them.

This conversation can be extremely powerful. By telling them about this attraction you are at least partially diffusing the office attraction. By hiding it, you’re only fueling the excitement and the desire for this new person, and, worse, deceiving your spouse. Secondly, you are making yourself vulnerable before your spouse. Tell them that you don’t want to feel this attraction, but you do. Tell them that you aren’t going to act on it, but it feels great to be seen again. Tell them that it has inspired you to want to make them feel desired and loved and cherished again, because you would never do anything to hurt him/her or your family.

Ask if your spouse feels threatened. If they do, then address that by reassuring them again. There is no place for anger here. If s/he get’s angry, then it is likely because s/he is scared of abandonment, too. Listen to your spouse’s fears. Likely, their fear is that you are going to leave them. Abandonment is one of the greatest fears in any marriage, in any relationship. The tragedy is that this overwhelming fear of abandonment keeps couples from opening up to each other, which ironically and ultimately pushes them further and further apart making an indiscretion, separation, or divorce all that more likely.

This was a post by O.M. Grey. It was originally posted on her blog here.

Nestled in the mountains of Northern California, Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist. She dreams of the dark streets of London and the decadent deeds that occur after sunset. As an author of Steamy Steampunk, as well as a poet, blogger, podcaster, and speaker, Olivia focuses both her poetry and prose on alternative relationship lifestyles and deliciously dark matters of the heart and soul.

Her work has been published in various anthologies and magazines like Stories in the Ether, Steampunk Adventures, SNM Horror Magazine and How The West Was Wicked. Her premier Steampunk BDSM erotica novel, Avalon Revisited, is an Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller. She loves to host tea parties, and she runs a delightful game of charades, Victorian style. Follow her on Twitter @omgrey and subscribe to her on Facebook.

Read more »

Have More Sex. Schedule it!

It's time to open the bag of GetLusty questions.

We get this question all the time. According to Today, it's one of the four biggest marriage problems. Marriage problems can lead to bad sex, so that's why we're going to be reporting on the psychological elements of having better sex soon.

Before then, we answer a readers' question.

***

Reader question

"Dear GetLusty,

I don't think my husband really wants to have sex. We're both so busy, whenever I have free time, we end up too tired to make love. How do I have more sex with my husband?

Signed,
Need to cum"

Dear need to cum,

That sucks. Many of us at GetLusty have experienced this problem. Including me.

There could be several solutions based on what you and your husband express your love. However, one full-proff way is a good start.

From what we've heard from sex educators like Shanna Katz and sexologists like Melissa Jones is scheduling is the first step to having more sex. She Knows also recommends this essential practice. This isn't just for you--it's for you and hubby!

OK, you might be thinking: that's going to be the ultimate in boring! The short answer? You'd be surprised, actually. Scheduling sex may be the best thing you've ever done for your sexual relationship.

Below are several tips I've used for successfully scheduling sex, even when we're both busy.

1. Tell your lover you'd love to make love with them more frequently

2. During that conversation, make sure not to get defensive. It's about having a better relationship, not making your significant other feel bad.

3. Ask when you both might be able to schedule a (30-minute? 1-hour? 2 hour?) window to make love this week. Would you like to do it 3 times weekly? 2 times weekly? What's the maximum and minimum you'd both like to make love weekly?

4. Agree to those standards.

5. Once the day rolls around, make sure to get prepared with toys, lubricant or other accessories if you'd like. Want to try BDSM? Anal sex or something else? Chat briefly, negotiate your sexual needs and enjoy!

6. Once you both have completed your week of amazing sex (or sensual) experiences, celebrate! You both are committed to your relationship. You're awesome!

7. Keep it up! Every week, make sure to re-access if you're not keeping up with your goals.

Hope that helps!

This is post by Erica Grigg, our Founder and Chief Lust Officer. She's a writer, marketer, social entrepreneur and sex geek. She wants to end boring sex. 

If you don't see Erica riding around downtown, Chicago in her beach cruiser or at a diner with her adoring husband, you see her chatting up the tech community about the importance of sex and love in marriage. Follow Erica on Twitter @ericagrigg or subscribe via Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

Want to connect about writing, or business partnership with a woman-run business that cares? E-mail me directly at erica@getlusty.com. 

Read more »