What is Intimacy, Anyway?

Intimacy is many times thought of as something purely sexual. However, the biggest sexual organ is the brain. So what is intimacy, really? And often, women can't come they aren't engaging their biggest sex organ--their brain. Why is intimacy important to relationships? What is intimacy, anyway? This post answers these two questions. What is intimacy? And why is it important in your romantic relationship? Our Chief Lust Officer, Erica Grigg reports.

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What is intimacy?

At its core, this blog defines intimacy as a loving relationship between two (or more) individuals. While we won't talk too frequently about polyamorous intimacy, many of the same issues arise (esp. trust, happiness and overall emotional health). For me, intimacy is about a romantic love that centers around the need for a human connection. For GetLusty for Couples, we categorize into four sections (based on the Wikipedia example below).

From Dictionary.com, the definition of intimacy goes like this:

1. A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
2. A close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
3. An act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.

Wikipedia has a slightly varied definition of intimacy. They cover many different areas, but to sum it up, they cover the four major areas of intimacy below.

Scholars have defined generally four kinds of intimacy:

• Emotional
• Physical (sex)
• Cognitive/intellectual (sharing thoughts and ideas, enjoy similarities and differences)
• Experiential (sharing similar activities, likely without talking)

Where did the definition come from?

Again from the Wikipedia article above. In anthropological research, intimacy is considered the product of a successful seduction, a process of rapport building that enables parties to confidently disclose previously hidden thoughts and feelings. Intimate conversations become the basis for "confidences" (secret knowledge) that bind people together.

We hope you'll consider why intimacy is such an essential component of love and romance in your life. GetLusty for Couples hopes to inspire and educate on how to have more intimacy, love and overall a better relationship!

This is post by Erica Grigg, our Founder and Chief Lust Officer. She's a writer, marketer, social entrepreneur and sex geek. She wants to end boring sex. If you don't see Erica riding around downtown, Chicago in her beach cruiser or at a diner with her adoring husband, you see her chatting up the tech community about the importance of sex and love in marriage. Follow Erica on Twitter @ericagrigg or subscribe via Facebook and Google+.

Want to connect about business partnership with a woman-run business that cares? E-mail me directly at erica@getlusty.com.

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Could Loving More Mean Hurting Less?

At GetLusty for Couples, we occasionally discuss polyamory. It can definitely be a viable alternative for couples looking to change up their relationship. You may not yet be ready for polyamory, as we aren't yet. As long as you have an amazing sexual relationship--that's what's most important! If you are polyamorous, does that mean you're less likely to be violent? How much does the act of defining your sexuality influence your life for the better? Technogeisha, our polyswinging and poly-advocate, is here to talk about how poly relationships might actually decrease domestic violence.

Quick editorial note: Why does GetLusty care about violence (or lack of it)? Talking about sexuality, we talk about where we've come. Since many of us (at least 1 in 5) have encountered violence--sexual or physical--which we're still scarred by, violence is an issue we seriously care about.

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Recently, in Long Beach, CA two girls decided they needed to meet after school to fight. A couple of hours later, one of the girls was rushed to the hospital and later succumbed to unknown injuries. What struck me about this story was the fact that this girl died just weeks before her 11th birthday and that they met to fight over a boy. I was trying to wrap my head around the concept that two fifth grade girls felt they had to meet in an alley to throw down over a guy like guests on an episode of The Jerry Springer Show. They only tussled for about a minute, no weapons were involved and no one fell to the ground. When others tried to intervene, some boys stopped them because they wanted to watch the girls fight. How does this kind of jealousy and rivalry start so early?

Since reading "Sex at Dawn”, I was beginning to realize that I’ve become more sensitive to news like this. There seems to be a steady stream of these crimes of passion. Plus, the news has no problem serving up stories like the astronaut who drove across the country to kill her rival, or the Orange County woman who cut off her husband’s penis and said, “He deserved it.” There are endless reports about people who suspect infidelity and then run off to kill or maim both their spouse and the alleged lover.

Up until recently, a man could be considered justified in a case like this and the charges dismissed. It’s the subject of books, movies, television shows and songs. The need to possess and control someone has been strong enough to make people react in ways from the extreme to the petty. It made me wonder what domestic violence and homicide crime rates would look like if people managed their jealousy and possessiveness better. Are people in open relationships less likely to let these feelings push them into hurting someone? Are there fewer instances of homicide and abuse among the non-monogamous?

Statistics

An extensive online search only provided general statistics, proving that there is very little research available on the subject. The Department of Justice Statistics state women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner or family member than by strangers. Violence resulting in homicide against women was perpetrated by someone they knew intimately 30% of the time.

Homicide committed by a stranger was just under 9% with 28% as unknown. Conversely, only 5% of men were involved in intimate partner violence. It’s estimated that intimate partner violence claims the lives of three women and one man every day. These reports don’t get into detail other than gender, race and weapon, so there were no specific reasons behind these attacks. I had to search elsewhere to find more about what drives people to hurt their partner.

Why Hurt?

An interesting article on the TLC Family website by Jonathan Strickland tries to tackle the question “Why do we kill?” There is a percentage that has to do with anti-social behavior and a lack of empathy. Then, there is the emotional component that leads to the aforementioned crime of passion. Jealousy, revenge, anger and fear could provide sufficient motivation to lead someone to commit an act of violence. The desire to control someone emotionally and physically can also drive people to act before using introspection or dialogue to find a passive and proactive solution.

The book, "Why Do They Kill: Men Who Murder Their Intimate Partners," by David Abrams, found the reasons were less a “crime of passion” and more about long-standing grievances that escalate over time. Substance abuse, distrust, and a disdain for women were also factors that Dr. Katherine Van Warner (another prolific author on domestic violence) pointed out in an online interview about domestic violence and how it is derived from a patriarchal society.

Van Warner states, “But there are many other factors such as alcohol and other drug use which removes inhibitions, stress related to global competition as reflected in employment, and psychological factors, which may be the most crucial factor of all. The psychological portrait of the male abuser is of an insecure man, who is possessive of his wife/partner and who isolates her so he can control her. Typically, he has been abused in childhood. This man doesn’t know how to love and trust.”

Open Relationships

I had hoped to find a few statistics in the context of open marriages and poly relationships but came up empty-handed. I could not pin down whether people in open relationships reacted less violently than those in monogamous relationships, either. There is little desire in mainstream circles to document these statistics. Whether a couple is open or monogamous was never asked in either statistical reports or surveys. It seems easy to assume the answers lie only in jealousy and the emotions that go with it because of the information available. This makes it seem like the triggers for domestic violence and intimate partner homicide are more complicated than we might think.

Anti-social behavior, substance abuse and mental instability are factors that can’t be dealt with by simply keeping an open mind about relationships. Domestic violence happens even in open relationships. Embracing the open lifestyle doesn’t eliminate the prospect of infidelity, the feelings of jealousy, nor does it eliminate other factors in abuse.

The only thing open relationships may be able to provide are better tools and understanding to deal with it. More research on the subject may tell us if there is any decrease in the likelihood of violence in non-monogamous relationships. Monogamous couples can learn a lot from open and poly folk. Taking the time to rethink their reactions, taking responsibility for their own emotions and not to forcing others to change to accommodate their insecurities could help people when making life-altering decisions. It won’t save everyone but it could save a few relationships and might save a few lives in the process.

Cross posted with permission from Life on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasy's and other sites. Subscribe to her Facebook feed on Miko Technogeisha and follow her on Twitter at @Technogeisha.

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Podcast! Eric Amaranth on Keeping Monogamy Steamy

Eric Amaranth took an unusual approach to his training as a sex coach by apprenticing under the legendary Betty Dodson for ten years instead of going to graduate school, but he wouldn't change a thing about it.

Now with his own practice, Eric uses his unique form of therapy to help clients with intimacy and adding novelty to the bedroom. We chatted with him and recorded his insights for your listening pleasure.

More on what we talked about:

• What got Eric into sex coaching? He noticed a need for people who could professionally teach how to create pleasure rather than simply treating sexual abuse or dysfunction.
• He apprenticed under Betty Dodson for ten years, forming a long-running professional, emotional, and physical relationship with his mentor.
• Although he and Betty were non-monogamous, there are disadvantages to adapting that lifestyle, Eric says; jealousy, especially when your partner's other lovers have a skill or advantage that you don't possess, can be one of the biggest challenges.
• A big challenge for monogamous couples? Adding novelty and variety to your relationship. Try new things, add them to your repertoire, and practice, practice, practice! Sex can lose its excitement even if you're awesome in bed, he says.
• Waiting for someone to come along to help you recreate an explosive first time experience? Don't hold your breath, Eric says. Don't get overly attached to an isolated moment because it pressures your partner to recreate an event that may not be possible the second time around.
• What does Eric recommend add novelty to a long-term relationship? Turn off the TV! Even if it's just for 10-15 minutes, re-orient your priorities and you may be surprised how much time is left over for intimacy.
• Want sex to be spontaneous? Even when sex is planned, add anticipation by sending sexy texts to your significant other throughout the day to help build up to the big event.

More about Eric:

Eric Amaranth is a sex life coach who specializes in women’s and men’s sexuality, basic to advanced sex skills, and high-end sex education. Eric is not a psychology-based “sex therapist,” which is the term that the public uses to refer to every professional in his field, regardless of training background. After graduating from The College of William and Mary, he went on to become the ten-year protege of pioneering sex coach Betty Dodson, PhD.

Eric’s sex life coaching is made for adults. He has knowledge and methodology differences that set him apart from what psychology-based sex therapists have to offer. Individuals and couples are guided toward the sexual relationship, intimacy, and connection goals they desire most. Upon request, he also coaches his clients on the holistic wellness and sexual health and STD information he has successfully integrated into his own life.

Amaranth believes that for the majority of people, appreciation of ourselves and our romantic partners is one of the best sustainable resources we have to continuously renew attraction, maintain respect, and stay in  love with our partners. This bedrock of deep appreciation is founded and reinforced by affectionate touch and breathtaking sexual capability. It’s what keeps partners close through the hard times. It makes partners and spouses into lovers, not distant roommates. It gives you hot sex as well as loving sex. It builds sexual desire and makes us feel alive and happy. This feeling is a crucial oasis. It lowers stress and improves our professional, marital and parenting lives. It also contributes to physical, mental, and emotional health and happiness.

Eric sees consistent success in his coaching practice with eliminating two things: clients’ infidelity interests or activities and considerations of breakup or divorce based on sexual problems and imbalances. Eric works with clients from all over the world toward his ambitious goal that his brand of sex life coaching would one day significantly reduce the instances of divorce. That’s the big picture that Amaranth wants to paint for people today and tomorrow.

Eric lives in New York City, in Manhattan, with his much-loved girlfriend. Connect with Eric on his website, www.sexlifecoachnyc.com, or find him on Facebook and Twitter @Eric_Amaranth.

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Is Polyamory an Alternative to Cheating?

Polyamory can be a way to stave off boring sex. But can it actually save a relationship? O.M. Grey explores the common pitfalls of a long-term relationship and how sexual relationships with other people may be just the thing to draw you and your partner closer together.

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“That doesn’t work.” No doubt, if you have heard someone talk about polyamory, or any of the terms describing open marriage or non-monogamous relationships, and especially if you have suggested it to your spouse or significant other, you likely heard those words.

What if monogamy doesn't work?

The harsh truth about marriages in today’s society is that nearly 50% of them end in divorce, largely due to infidelity. Second marriages, in which one would think they had avoided the pitfalls that ended their first marriage, have a 60% divorce rate. Third marriages? 75% divorce rate. Perhaps it is monogamy that doesn’t work. That said, alternative lifestyles like polyamory don’t work for everyone either. Couples are like snowflakes; no two are alike. What works for one couple may not work for another. There is not a magic tool that will fix all marriages, but it helps to have as many tools in your toolbox as possible.

Redefining "family values"

As a society, we pride ourselves on our “family values.” We fall in love and get married. We buy a house. We have kids. We build our career. We join a church or social group. We are living the American dream. Until it turns into a nightmare.

“Love,” that euphoric feeling and rush of desire so common at the beginning of a new relationship, always fades. It. Always. Fades. There are no exceptions to this. You may be reading this saying to yourself, “Not my marriage, because I still feel a rush when my wife kisses me! Not my relationship! It won’t fade.” It will.

The average length of time for that “in love” feeling to last in a primary relationship is two years. Which means you may be in your fifth year of wedded bliss, still getting excited watching your wife get dressed in the morning, but someone else has lost it in their first year. Perhaps even before their first year.

It fades. It’s a fact of life. That feeling of euphoria fades, and there is nothing wrong with that. Too many couples think that the honeymoon is over when that fades or that it must not have been true love, but that is not the case. It was very real, but it was just the first step. A deeper connection and a more beautiful love come after that. Something real. Something that lasts. Something that is not just based on brain chemicals and hormones. True intimacy is what comes next, if you are willing to do the work to establish that.

Recently, when discussing polyamory with a friend, he said to me, “But it’s just so much easier to cheat and lie about it.” We had had a conversation about polyamory years ago when my husband and I first were experimenting with an open marriage. This friend said his wife would never go for it, but he did bring it up in passing one day. Her response? “That doesn’t work.”

Two years later, he had an affair. His wife is blissfully ignorant of it, but if and when she finds out--and let’s face it, they usually do--she will feel devastated and betrayed. And she should, because he betrayed her trust. He betrayed their vows. He lied to her, and the greatest pain is in the deception, not the sex. He adores his wife. I know it doesn’t seem like it, because he did cheat on her, but he does adore her.

The recipe for infidelity

Perhaps the greatest problem with the monogamy model is that it does not leave room for personal growth and personal satisfaction. The monogamy model shows us that once you are married you stay married. Or you get divorced. Or, of course, you cheat. But then, you are no longer monogamous.

Desire happens. Even love sometimes just happens. Usually when you least expect it and even if you don’t want it. We are sexual beings. Sex to most men and many, many women (more than you’d think!) is as essential a need as food, water, and shelter. Sex, after several years of marriage, can fall to the wayside because the comfort and security are there. The kids. PTA meetings. Career. Daycare. Housekeeping. After all the maintenance of life, sex falls to the side. Where once you had sex daily or at least weekly, now weeks or even months may go by without sex.

Then one day it happens. You’re off on a business trip, or at the office and you notice someone. S/he notices you, too. You feel seen. You feel attractive and interesting and desirable--all those things that your spouse truly knows but no longer seems to notice. Is this person better? Younger? Sexier? More beautiful than your spouse? Not necessarily. In fact, unlikely. S/he’s merely different. New.

So. What are your choices? Deny your own desires, or worse, your heart, if you’ve fallen “in love”? Your other choice, the one that has become far too common in our society, is to cheat on your spouse, jeopardizing your marriage and family, if you have children. All for what? To feel good. Not attractive options. Especially because this new “in love” euphoria, too, will fade over time. As many people find out in their second and third marriages, it always does. It is biology.

Is there another way?

Here is a third option: polyamory. Polyamory is many things, but it is not a license to have sex with whomever or whenever you want. Not necessarily. Not unless that is what you and your spouse decide. Polyamory cannot really be defined, as it means different things to different people. In fact, polyamory might not mean having sex with anyone but your spouse.

Polyamory is about open and honest relationships, which first and foremost must happen in your primary relationship. For starters, you can use this new office attraction as “borrowed desire,” sparking things at home, but not deceptively. Tell your spouse about it. I know this sounds terrifying, but this is how one develops true intimacy and a deeper relationship with one’s spouse: by sharing fears.

You must start and end the conversation with reassurances on how much you love him/her and how you would never leave him/her. Tell them that revealing this is scary to you because you are afraid s/he will think something is going on, but that is precisely why you are telling them; to reassure them that there isn’t. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be telling them.

This conversation can be extremely powerful. By telling them about this attraction you are at least partially diffusing the office attraction. By hiding it, you’re only fueling the excitement and the desire for this new person, and, worse, deceiving your spouse. Secondly, you are making yourself vulnerable before your spouse. Tell them that you don’t want to feel this attraction, but you do. Tell them that you aren’t going to act on it, but it feels great to be seen again. Tell them that it has inspired you to want to make them feel desired and loved and cherished again, because you would never do anything to hurt him/her or your family.

Ask if your spouse feels threatened. If they do, then address that by reassuring them again. There is no place for anger here. If s/he get’s angry, then it is likely because s/he is scared of abandonment, too. Listen to your spouse’s fears. Likely, their fear is that you are going to leave them. Abandonment is one of the greatest fears in any marriage, in any relationship. The tragedy is that this overwhelming fear of abandonment keeps couples from opening up to each other, which ironically and ultimately pushes them further and further apart making an indiscretion, separation, or divorce all that more likely.

This was a post by O.M. Grey. It was originally posted on her blog here.

Nestled in the mountains of Northern California, Olivia M. Grey lives in the cobwebbed corners of her mind writing paranormal romance with a Steampunk twist. She dreams of the dark streets of London and the decadent deeds that occur after sunset. As an author of Steamy Steampunk, as well as a poet, blogger, podcaster, and speaker, Olivia focuses both her poetry and prose on alternative relationship lifestyles and deliciously dark matters of the heart and soul.

Her work has been published in various anthologies and magazines like Stories in the Ether, Steampunk Adventures, SNM Horror Magazine and How The West Was Wicked. Her premier Steampunk BDSM erotica novel, Avalon Revisited, is an Amazon.com Gothic Romance bestseller. She loves to host tea parties, and she runs a delightful game of charades, Victorian style. Follow her on Twitter @omgrey and subscribe to her on Facebook.

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Open Sexuality: a Historical Perspective

We talk about polyamory occasionally. We started off with an exploration into polyamory. We answered 6 questions about polyamory. In past articles, Technogeisha has explained some of her sexuality as a being a polyswinger. In this article, Technogeisha explores polyamory from a historical perspective.

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“Morality is doing what is right, regardless of what you are told. Religion is doing what you are told, regardless of what is right.”

There has been a lot of talk lately about the level of insanity brought about by the coming election versus open sexuality. It became a hot topic amongst the Swingset this week. I felt compelled to write about the current state of things and maybe provide a little bit of historical perspective.

For a moment lets not look at how we seem to be regressing, lets appreciate how much we’ve progressed. Fifty years ago, it would have been impossible to have the discourse we are having today. LGBT people could not be out openly much less worry about marriage equality. We were still struggling with racial equality.

Open sexuality was suppressed. One hundred years ago women were fighting for the right to vote and there was little to no sex education. People with any radical views risked being persecuted, jailed or killed. While that is still true somewhat today, we have a much easier time living freely than in the past, just not as easy as we would like. We are always fighting to maintain each freedom that we gain. One thing to keep in mind is that societal norms ebb and flow, sometimes changing radically other time subtly. We will take three steps forward then two steps back. That may seem like a terrible way to more forward but it is forward progress nonetheless.

We’ve had times that were more open (Hellenistic Era, Renaissance Era, Post Revolutionary France, Jazz Age, 1960’s) and times where repression ruled (Late Middle Ages, Puritanical Colonial Era, Victorian Era, 1950’s). It’s been a tug of war across the ages. The important thing to remember is that every time we’ve been pulled back by restrictive behavior the reaction is to push against it. Battling conservatism has been with us for a long time. It’s been in the US ever since the Puritans left England seeking the freedom to pursue their restrictive religion.

We seem to be in a two steps back era right now. Religious conservatives are asserting that the US must live according to Christian ideals and morals, separation of Church and State be damned. In a secular nation they can’t control people using fear of damnation. If they can’t control people with faith they will try to control with faith-based government. . It’s tough trying to win against a group that believes their actions in this world will be greatly rewarded in the next. It makes it easy to convince people they’re being punished for not living according to the laws of God when the nation is struggling economically. Unfortunately, living a virtuous life does not necessarily create jobs or put food on the table.

How does Sex Positive Team America (yes, I’m stealing that title from the podcast) survive and get through the election year without loosing both our minds and our freedom? Someone recently asked Ricky Gervais on Twitter (@rickygervais) how does he respond to someone who thinks there is a conspiracy against religion. His response, “There is. It’s called education.” We live in an era where we can podcast, blog, film, write, teach and be in general a rather squeaky wheel. Most of you are already doing this but you need to get your information outside of your positive social network and out to the conservative public. Recent studies have shown that often in social media we only interact with people who share our values and opinions.

To effect change, you need to reach the people with the differing opinion. Support local government so we can have sex positive politicians working in city and state level. Support activists that are working out in the open, especially if you feel you can’t, so they can work locally and nationally to educate and inform. Make sure that there is access to sex positive books and materials in local libraries and bookstores. Support resources like sex education websites, classes and support groups. Support groups that are working towards equal access to education and information.

Work towards persuading the media to better portray people in alternative or ethically non-monogamous relationships. Support and promote films, TV shows and web content that show positive role models. You can even strive to provide that content. Write and petition against politicians and groups that are trying to take away rights. When you see false information being distributed or when politicians are openly lying make sure the news outlets find out and get them to report on it. You can volunteer at an organization or a cause. Start a support group or just help an individual that is struggling. Teaching children to be open-minded will create open-minded adults. Even just starting a positive conversation on-line in the grocery store can get people to think about things differently.

As quickly as times have changed, it may take hundreds of years to evolve. We could de-evolve in the future like the film “Idiocracy” or positively evolve like the openness of Doctor Who’s 51st Century We may spend a lot of time in a constant push me/pull you environment. We survive by not giving up, not giving into fear and when they tug, we tug back harder.

Originally posted at Life on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasys and other sites. Subscribe to Technogeisha on Facebook as Miko Technogeisha and follow her on Twitter at @Technogeisha.

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