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Showing posts with label intimacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label intimacy. Show all posts

4 Workout Tips for Better Sex & Orgasms

Having a healthy body (as defined by ourselves, not others) is mind-blowingly hot. What's not to love about feeling good with yourself, inside and out? Count on being more emotionally and physically fit, not to mention being better in bed! Being healthy is one of the biggest actions to promote self love you can do. Our resident Sex Life Coach Eric Amaranth talks about getting healthy for better sex. What could be better?

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It is absolutely true that a sex life can be enjoyed regardless of the shape someone is in. My sex life coaching works for a wide range of body types. It is also true that people in better shape have certain advantages in the bedroom. This blog post will cover several of the most relevant muscle groups for both women and men plus the effect they have on your sex and orgasm quality and possibilities.

#1 Abs

This muscle group is one of the most important for men (or women on top). The abs are called on most to drive the pelvis during missionary and sideways missionary intercourse, which is still quite popular. Speeding up the rhythm of his thrust multiplies the effort required to keep up that pace.

Slow is also great, can contribute perfectly to big orgasms, and fast can make it feel like a blur of friction that isn’t as good as the details you can feel with slow. That said, fast has its place and specific advantages too. There are times when certain types of penetration must be done at a rapid rate based on the needs of his partner’s body/genitals to reach orgasm or have the best time possible. There still other situations that have nothing to do with the receiving partner’s needs and everything to do with the man expressing his overpowering desire for his partner and masculine sexual intention.

Abs also play a lesser role in many other positions because they will be recruited for most forms of thrusting. This is why I put abs workouts at the top of the list. The more crunches you can do, the more endurance you’ll have, which translates into being able to thrust rapidly for a longer period of time, which is exactly what your partner may need for a favorite type of big orgasm. Triggering certain orgasms in a given person can also require specific forms of energy-intensive stimulation. If you have what it takes to trigger it, great! If not, then that’s okay, but it’s time to get back in the gym.

My favorite way to workout my abs is with a abs machine that allows me to increase the weight over time in a precise way. After you do crunches to a certain point, curling your own body weight wont be enough for further gains. Crunches on the floor are hard on your tail bone and low back. You also wont be able to add more weight resistance to your crunches in a way that is easy to manage for the majority of people. I’ve seen my most consistent gains in my abs since using a crunches machine.

#2 Quads/thighs

This muscle group is equally important to abs for both women and men. Strong, developed thighs allow a woman to sit astride her man (or penetrating woman) and buck and grind for as long as she wants or needs to drive him or her or herself over the edge into a big-O. This is a popular position for indirect clitoral stimulation during intercourse which works nicely for those women with a clitoris sensitive enough to build up and orgasm from vaginal penetration plus indirect clitoral stimulation against her partner’s pelvis.

Even if a woman is not sensitive enough she can still use this position and combine other forms of direct clitoral stimulation with it. I have a personal attraction to women with developed thighs. I call these thighs “sex engines” because, besides looking sexy, driving a woman’s thrusts during female superior/cowgirl is one thing they’re made for. This position when done a certain way provides a unique form of stimulation to the head of the penis via her cervix.

Thighs are also important in other positions for men as well. Particularly positions with men and doing the thrusting on their knees. The usual weight training for thighs are good: squats and quad-targeting machines. On any of my weight training workouts, I follow a pattern of 10 reps at such and such weight, rest one minute, 8 at a bit higher weight, rest one minute, then a weight setting where I can do 4 to 6 reps before my muscles can lift no more. Rest for two minutes, then do 4 to 6 again. I repeat two more times and then I’m finished with that muscle group.

#3 Butt

The glutes are a big deal in sex. Practically and visually. For both genders, it’s simple: everyone loves to view and touch a partner’s toned, attractive bum. On a practical note, the glutes do join with the abs to help give locomotion to thrusting and other hip movements. This is an opportune time to mention that one of the things I learned early on was that rocking hips are not just a male form of physical sexual expression. I found that women also rock hips often as their body’s way of expressing the enjoyment of the sensations. I was taught that hip bobbing in women is often good to build arousal because it is sexual body language and will urge the mind to go into a more deeply aroused place. I suggest to women clients, as does my mentor, to experiment with different levels of hip bobbing and thrusting to see how it affects them and makes things better.

I’ve tried a number of different exercises that do work the glutes, but no exercise does it for me like a glutes machine. Not even squats. Squats can’t isolate the glutes like that machine can. I don’t see them in every gym, but look around in yours and try it out for a month or two using the workout method I described above. Because glutes are a large muscle group, you’ll see noticeable changes faster than in smaller muscle groups like the arms. Speaking of which….

#4 Arms

We all know women who love men love a pair of muscled arms. It reminds me of what men lust for in breast size and shape. The visual appeal is obvious and also the strength they can exert during sex is exciting. Specifically along these lines is going back to endurance again. The stronger the arms, the more endurance they have to do manual sexual skill sets (using your hands and things held by your hands) that require higher energy output for a given partner whose sex organs need more speed and power to best facilitate specific types of intense orgasms. Not running out of juice right as she’s rising up to climax was a good reason for me to get into curls and tricep work.

I like doing standing dumbell curls for my biceps and standing cable pulldowns for my triceps. Done with the same format as above. My decision to target first the specific muscle groups that serve me best in sex turned out to be a very good idea. Two more things:

1. Google workouts to increase breast size. You won’t increase the breast tissue volume, but a bit more prominence of the pecs will improve the overall look.

2. I prefer sprints and resting for a minute or two on the treadmill to long-distance running for cardiovascular exercise. That said, throwing some cardio in there is really good for stamina during intercourse.

Check out the original post at Sex Life Coach NYC.

Eric Amaranth is a sex life coach, working in NYC and globally via video conference, who specializes in women’s and men’s sexuality, basic to advanced sex skills, and high-end sex education. Individuals and couples are guided toward the relationship, intimacy, and sexual enjoyment goals they desire most.

Amaranth believes that for the majority of people, appreciation of ourselves and our romantic partners is one of the best sustainable resources we have to continuously renew attraction, maintain respect, and stay in love with our partners. This bedrock of deep appreciation is founded and reinforced by the combination of loving relationship skills with breathtaking sexual skills. Follow him on Twitter @Eric_Amaranth.

What is Intimacy, Anyway?

Intimacy is many times thought of as something purely sexual. However, the biggest sexual organ is the brain. So what is intimacy, really? And often, women can't come they aren't engaging their biggest sex organ--their brain. Why is intimacy important to relationships? What is intimacy, anyway? This post answers these two questions. What is intimacy? And why is it important in your romantic relationship? Our Chief Lust Officer, Erica Grigg reports.

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What is intimacy?

At its core, this blog defines intimacy as a loving relationship between two (or more) individuals. While we won't talk too frequently about polyamorous intimacy, many of the same issues arise (esp. trust, happiness and overall emotional health). For me, intimacy is about a romantic love that centers around the need for a human connection. For GetLusty for Couples, we categorize into four sections (based on the Wikipedia example below).

From Dictionary.com, the definition of intimacy goes like this:

1. A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
2. A close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
3. An act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.

Wikipedia has a slightly varied definition of intimacy. They cover many different areas, but to sum it up, they cover the four major areas of intimacy below.

Scholars have defined generally four kinds of intimacy:
  • Emotional
  • Physical (sex)
  • Cognitive/intellectual (sharing thoughts and ideas, enjoy similarities and differences)
  • Experiential (sharing similar activities, likely without talking)
Where did the definition come from?

Again from the Wikipedia article above. In anthropological research, intimacy is considered the product of a successful seduction, a process of rapport building that enables parties to confidently disclose previously hidden thoughts and feelings. Intimate conversations become the basis for "confidences" (secret knowledge) that bind people together.

We hope you'll consider why intimacy is such an essential component of love and romance in your life. GetLusty for Couples hopes to inspire and educate on how to have more intimacy, love and overall a better relationship!

This is post by Erica Grigg, our Founder and Chief Lust Officer. She's a writer, marketer, social entrepreneur and sex geek. She wants to end boring sex. If you don't see Erica riding around downtown, Chicago in her beach cruiser or at a diner with her adoring husband, you see her chatting up the tech community about the importance of sex and love in marriage. Follow Erica on Twitter @ericagrigg or subscribe via Facebook and Google+.

Want to connect about business partnership with a woman-run business that cares? E-mail me directly at erica@getlusty.com.

7 Ways to Use Breathing to Improve Sex


Using breathing tactics isn't just for childbirth. Using different breathing techniques can heighten sexual awareness and improve your overall experience. Our resident sensual (and especially tantra) knowledgeable couple, Drs. Janelle and Rob, are back (they first talked about sensual sex). They're very passionate and well-versed in tantra, so we're especially glad to hear from them how couples can utilize their tips for better sex! Read on. 

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In the early stages of your relationship, you may very likely have experienced moments when at the touch of your partner your breath hitched, your heart sped up and the next thing you knew your breath caught up with your heart rate and came fast and heavy. Yet, have you considered just how important breath is to your intimate life with your lover?

Breath is not just about supplying your body with oxygen. It is far more than that. In fact, using your breath in different ways can enhance your sex life. You can heighten your experience, prolong orgasm, and even pierce the veil between the physical and spiritual dimensions. Keep reading to uncover 7 different ways to magnify and expand upon your lovemaking.

#1 Breathe on your lover

This may be the most obvious way to enhance your intimate play. Use your breath to breathe on your sweetie’s skin. Blow sweet caresses on his/her neck, chest, stomach, palms, inside of the wrists, and ears. Of course, it is also very potent to gently blow warm breaths onto his/her genitals. Don’t overlook placing your lips against the clothing and blowing warm puffs of breath through his/her clothing. This can be very exciting and those clothes may come flying off.

#2 Fan the flame

When you are trying to start a fire what often happens? You need to fan the spark and turn it into a roaring fire. Right? That spark needs oxygen to turn into a hot flame. As you are flirting with and playing with and loving on your partner visualize this. Imagine leaning towards that little spark and gently blowing until it turns into a raging inferno. In fact, you can do this visualization prior to touching your lover or prior to even being in the same location as he/she. Imagination is very powerful and with practice it can light your flame.

#3 Set the rhythm

Your breathing can control your heart rate and ultimately control the pace of your lovemaking. When you slow down your breathing you can slow down your experience. Yet, beware that slowing down your breathing too much can also cause you to lose your sexual desire. So, only slow down your breathing enough to prolong your lovemaking. Taking deep, slow breaths will allow more blood to flow into the genitals and this will enable the penis to swell more as well as the clitoris. This increase in blood flow will help you experience more sensation in the genitals.

#4 Orgasmic breath 

Think about it a minute. At the point of orgasm, you probably hold your breath. Most people do. What if you tried to breathe during your orgasm and at climax? This takes practice, but one suggestion is to release your breath with a vocal “oooohhh”. Another sound you can practice releasing at that point is “ooooommmm”. The “om” is more of a vibration than a word. This can vibrate throughout your entire body and your partner’s. Is there really a need for explanation of the impact of a vibration radiating throughout your bodies during orgasm? ;-)

#5 Deepen your bond with tandem breath

Breathing together in tandem can deepen your bond as well as get you in harmony with one another. Sitting facing one another get close enough so that your knees are touching.

You may also sit in the yab yum position (one partner sits cross-legged while the other partner sits facing him/her on his/her lap and wraps his/her legs around the bottom partner). Become aware of your breath. Then focus on inhaling and exhaling at the same time as your lover. You can do this fully clothed and out of bed or to heighten the experience you can sit in yab yum naked and in bed.

#6 Channel energy

Breathing moves energy through your body. As you become aware of your breathing you will become aware of your entire body and the sensations that flow from head to toe and back again. Breathe in deeply pulling energy into your root chakra (located at the base of your spine between the coccyx and pelvic bone) from the Earth. Hold that new energy there and focus on the spinning of that chakra. After a few breaths, move this energy up to the sacral chakra (located just below the navel) as you inhale. Again, focus on spinning that chakra with this increased energy. As you come together with your lover envision your root and sacral chakras blending your energies. This is the beginning of heightening the sexual energetic flow in your body.

#7 Use breath for visualization

Instead of thinking of breathing as taking in oxygen imagine you are breathing in your partner’s love for you and exhaling your love for him/her. Breath or “prana” in Sanskrit is considered to be the life force and is concentrated along the seven main chakras. So, visualize your partner’s breath as life giving love for you and your breath as life giving love for him/her. Become aware of the two of you sharing, blending and exchanging breath integrating your minds, your bodies and your souls.

We're so excited to get a couple writing for GetLusty! They're both adorable, smart and altogether wonderful!

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook on "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them on Inward Oasis.

Why Does Sex Stop After Marriage?

Sex should never stop after getting into a long-term relationship or marriage. Sex is natural and healthy and needs to be consistent. We have already discussed scheduling sex and making time for romance. But why do some couples let sex take a back seat in their relationship? How did they (or we, sometimes) get this far? After several weeks, then months, has sex completely stopped? Sexologist and marriage counselor, Dawn Michael MFT is here to shed some light on the topic.

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Sexless marriage is on the rise. And with 50% of all marriages end in divorce, there may be a trend here. With remaining couples that do hang on, more than half of them live in sexless marriages. What is a sexless marriage?

What is it?

A sexless marriage can be defined as a marriage where the couples have little to no sex every month, or several months. This is not due to an illness or sudden event but a natural rhythm that happens over time in a marriage. There are a few main causes for sexless marriages and it can happen gradually overtime.

Causes?

Men and women both can have equal sex drives, but at different times of the day and the month. Men and women also approach sex differently with how they may want it or what the sex in the marriage means to them. When looking at sex in a marriage it is more than the act of intercourse, it is the act of sexual intimacy, two people sharing a special bond. Sexual intimacy is a feeling that goes along with sex and when the couple is sexually satisfied with each other they will also feel sexual intimacy. In a woman’s monthly cycle she will go through times when she is more sexually attracted to her mate, this is when a woman should approach her husband and initiate sex. Part of the problem for many couples is that men are the ones expected to initiate the sex, but it should be equal. When a person feels sexual towards their spouse they should initiate the sex, or let their spouse know that they would like to be sexually intimate with them.

Change it up

For men the level of testosterone is at its peak in the morning and then decreases in the evening. The typical scenario of sex at night may actually be better in the morning for some men. This is where couples often make a mistake in love making; sometimes morning sex is the best sex. Especially after a long day for both a man and women the evening may be a time of sleep, but recharged in morning may be the perfect time for a sexual encounter.

One of the top reasons for sexless marriage is the concept that once married, sex is a given and this is a sad mistake. The sex in marriage takes work. Not in a hard way but fun, thoughtful, sexy, and erotic way. Couples need to work on making sex fun; a priority in the marriage. The couples that have a great sexual relationship will have less to argue about and the little things usually will melt away. If you are in a sexless marriage get help. Sex is natural, normal and healthy!

Check out Dawn's original post (cross-posted with permission) at The Happy Spouse.

A note from our editor: Soon, GetLusty for Couples will be featuring sex therapists, psychologists and counselors starting in Chicago. I know the difficulty of recovering from sexual trauma and difficulty. After numerous counseling sessions, my sex and emotional life improved greatly. That's why GetLusty is committed to recommending the best counselors for those of you who need help to get it. Thanks, Erica

This is a post by Dawn Michael MFT.

Dawn is an International Certified Clinical Sexologist and Marriage Counselor specializing in helping individuals and couples to have a healthy sex life, through communication, solution based counseling and home assignments. Visit her website The Happy Spouse for more information or to get in touch with Dawn. Also find her on Twitter @SexConseling.

Why Talk About Commitment



We always learn from JacoPhillip Crous, our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships. He is full of so much wisdom and advice when it comes to bettering our own long-term relationships through communication. Getting to know your partner's wants, needs and desires through effective communication and feedback improves our relationships. Communication and commitment are extremely important and having a consensual, committed relationship will not only lead to a healthier love life but you will also have a firm foundation to let your relationship grow.

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Actively communicate

Communication is the buzz word for most relationship counseling, whether it comes from your BFF or your very expensive couples therapist.  The language of love, sex, and relationships is always changing.  It is important to recognize that "communication" is not just a catch all word for making your relationship better. Communication is a means for people to address wants, needs and issues so we can be happier in our exploration of our selves.

Often times, one or both halves of a couple will decide they want to experience something new or to try something different. The problem is, what “new” or “different” means to one person may bear little or no resemblance to what it means to the next.  Even if you have developed your own couple’s-telepathy, lovers still need to actively communicate dialogue with feedback and explanation of meaning or emotion.

For example, when one person gets around to using the word "new" in a relationship, to the speaker “new” means something that they have probably thought of for a while, but haven't had the ability to express it to the other person.  The listener or recipient of the message may find the actual idea “new” because, until now they have probably not thought of it at all before or the couple hasn't spoken of the thought previously. For another couple, "new" can mean something that both the speaker and recipient have been thinking about, but neither partner had the means to articulate and initiate the conversation.  My advice is to explore your foundations of communication and commitment before adding the "new" or "different."

Understand where you and your partner are coming from

In a committed relationship, there are many aspects of communication that have to be addressed so that both partners can understand each other.  If either party doesn't understand their own needs, wants, and desires, holding a conversation about adding a new idea will be difficult.  Either party may not realize what they are consenting to or what is expected of them.  To use a metaphor, you have a very detailed treasure map for the island, but if you don't know where the island is located you won't get very far.  Understanding where both you and your partner are coming from is essential in communicating your ideas to each other.

So how do you figure out what you want, what you may get, what is wanted of you, and what you would consent to give?  Let's try to acknowledge that some of the psychobabble and self help literature doesn't give you straight up answers, again it gets lumped in with the word communication as if we inherently understand what that entails.

What is Alpha communication?

Alpha communication is a trusting communication motivated by care for one another. This is based on both partners being honest, real, and transparent with one another about your needs, wants, and desires to benefit your consensual commitment to each other. For some couples, this conversation is the proverbial deal breaker for the relationship; to what depths/heights of commitment are the two of you willing to consent to now. The relationship doesn’t need to accommodate any specific changes in the moment, but there must be consensus on the commitment capacity of your relationship.  Then you can start to add new strategies and approaches to be able to understand what each other is trying to say.

What are Alpha topics?

Consent to what are “Alpha-topics” for your particular partnership needs to be acknowledged and communicated clearly, here in the Alpha-conversation. This consent to your commitment is necessary if consensus is to be achieved in future communication on how such topics can be addressed and made practicable.  Consider this a framework for understanding the other person and where they are coming from.  It is like a foundation to a house being built.  Many of you probably have already spoken about some of these topics: ideas and feelings on marriage, children, religion, respect, lifestyle, and finances among other fundamental values.  Once you have expressed your concepts on these points and your belief structures, your partnership has a basis for understanding how to evolve and change through active communication.

If you’re not talking about the things that actually make partnership consensus and consensual commitment, you may as well consign your relationship commitment to an individual monologue.  Your message recipient will not understand nor be willing to actively listen.  There are an infinite number of websites and self help books out there that will tell you communication is key, but very few that explain how to get there.  Starting with these main ideologies and determining what "language" you and your partner are speaking will help guide the conversation and communication actively.

Relationships that dissolve supposedly because of “unrealistic expectations” in regards to Alpha topics such as the ones mentioned above, actually may have come apart anyway.  Getting real – honest and transparent – about consensual and commitment expectations in Alpha conversations may only accelerate dissolution because any impurities (dishonesty and nondisclosure) and flaws (insecurity and lack of transparency) that might be allowed to persist in your relationship, will only become more pronounced as you add more misunderstanding to the mix by adding secondary or new conversations.

For many other couples, Alpha conversation will only deepen and enrich the consensual relationship commitment you already have and enjoy. I am not saying saying it will always be smooth going, but knowing what you each want to maintain and what to develop in your relationship as you move forward will give you solid ground to stand on when things feel shaky.  Even a little bit of time spent on self-examination here will help down the road when challenges come up. By confirming a consensual partnership foundation in Alpha conversation, and making sure you’re on the same page about the relationship, you’ll have smoother Beta (secondary) conversations leading to a more satisfying partnership and easier communication.

Regardless of your partnership, gay/straight, open/poly/monogamous, various power dynamic structures, clarifying your message and giving feedback to your partner based on an understanding of their communication style and language will assist in a healthier relationship.  We can all empower ourselves with the variety of information on communication via the Internet or knowledgeable professionals. But being able to assimilate and use that information appropriately is the difference between successful communication and eventually giving up and walking out the door.

Relationship example

Malcolm, 28, and Dean, 29, are a couple that has been in a relationship for the past three years.  Dean was committed to Malcolm yet felt that the traditional/straight model of monogamy as the marker for loyalty, commitment and fidelity didn’t match his experience. He wanted to be a cock-tease; able to flirt under his lover’s supervision, and sometimes, with the consent of Malcolm, bring such spoils home for both of them to share in.

Malcolm was somewhat open to this idea, but worried that Dean wasn’t really committed to him and was just using something “new” and “different” as a way to avoid commitment. Before encouraging them to explore “new” and “different” with anyone else, I spent some months with them helping the couple sort out how they felt about their own relationship as it stood, and what it meant in the life of each man in the here and now.  Forming a foundation for consensual commitment and understanding helped confirm the couple's relationship and gave them a basis for making the additional changes for a happier, healthier commitment to each other.

Each partner in Malcolm and Dean's relationship had to determine what the term "commitment" meant to himself.  Both examined how committed to the other he was and what level of commitment each had for the other.  They determined if they were in the "pre-commitment" stage of the conversation where they determined if they were in a long-term relationship, somewhere in the middle, or had something else completely.  To be on the same page to communicate effectively, Malcolm and Dean examined their own beliefs in the Alpha-conversation and had to be honest about what their need, wants, and desires were.

Ask yourself questions


Alpha conversation opens up a steady flow of considerations for you and your lover.  Communication starts with self-examination and understanding of where we are coming from and where our partners are coming from.  Some other questions we should ask ourselves when looking for effective communication in a relationship are:  What else is going on in our life? Do you have space and time to devote to exploring consensual commitment and sexual development in your relationship? How much time and energy are we willing to put into this exploration? How will we handle different levels of resources, energy, attention, etc. practicably, as a couple?

Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to keep your existing relationship (the romance and the friendship) healthy and thriving? Can you anticipate some of the challenges that might emerge ahead of time? Where do you see room for yourself to grow?

Do I know what makes my partner feel happy, secure and loved? Am I willing to put extra attention on nurturing my existing relationship even as I make my way through the world? Where do I want to be sure to put that extra attention? Do I know what makes me feel happy, secure and loved? Am I willing to put extra effort into self-care and self-discovery? What opportunities do I see for myself here?

This understanding of what a good foundation for communication of our commitment to our relationships, will be further explored in a later GetLusty article.  My goal here is to help our readers get the most lust, sexy, satisfying, healthy relationship by offering tools for understanding each other and learning to be on the same page in our communications.  My last word of advice...in all of our endeavors, do It well; do It safe. And GetLusty!

He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

Ladies! 4 Tips on How to Get Him to Initiate Sex

Ladies, are you initiating the sex in your relationship more often than not? Does it seem like your partner never gets things started? Sex life coach Eric Amaranth is here with both why that is and solutions for your lover to get things moving!

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As a sex life coach, I hear a particular question fairly often: “How do I get him to initiate sex more often? I feel like I’m always the one who gets things started.” Some of the reasons why he may be doing this can combine together to make him even less likely to charge forward. These four tips are by no means a complete solution, but they are very solid things I tell my clients.

#1 One of the most common reasons why men, young and older, slow down their initiation of sex is because of their affectionate love for their women partners. Affectionate sweetness is absolutely necessary in a relationship.

However, the more a man feels that toward his girlfriend or wife, the less likely he is to be in the mindset of “taking her,” which is more about erotic desire satisfaction than soul mate feelings (though soul mate feelings and erotic desire can be combined). Especially if his partner is a mother as well, which is to many, an asexual role. (Inside tip: Don’t start calling your partner mommy or daddy even though the kids do.)

The first and most important step to fix this is awareness of it, combined with understanding that relationships are best when they have both erotic actions and affectionate actions. Next, I suggest spending a little time daydreaming about the sexiest parts of her body or how beautiful her pretty face looks when it’s in a sexual mode. Fantasize about what you want to do to her and feel from her. Look forward to the next time when you may have a moment to share in some hotness. Monogamous couples have to be more aware and practiced with retaining hot viewpoints of their partners. What makes that a bit more challenging leads us into point two:

#2 The law of diminishing returns. Also known as the brain’s love and favor of novelty in everything be it music, food, or sex. This is why it’s important to continue to actively build and care about your sex life the same way you do your financial/business life. Finance gets more focused attention by default because it’s what pays the bills. While it’s true that good sex doesn’t fit into the survival-in-the-world category, it definitely fits into the survival-of-your-relationship category. It also fits into the pursuit of happiness category, because, as we all know, there is more to life than survival.


What that means for you is when you are actively brainstorming on and practicing brand new, hot, and intimate sex ideas, or spicy variations on what works in the present, it sparks mental interest to start experimenting with those things or keep going with perfecting them. When that’s in place, initiating springs forth naturally and more frequently. In women too!

#3 A dynamic can emerge where the woman holds the keys to the bedroom: “I’m not in the mood.” – “I’m too tired.” – “F**k me now!” – “Don’t you want me?” etc. There are many reasons for this dynamic, which is a whole other article. The man recognizes this pattern and, in polite or begrudged deference to her, moves into a place where he waits for her to say the word. Sometimes unconsciously. Then she wonders what happened.

There is deeper detail to solving this dynamic for every given couple of course, but one thing I can suggest to try is when he initiates, even if you aren’t in the mood in the moment, start with long deep kissing. Tell him to kiss you slowly. It’s been shown that deep, slow kissing is a consistent way to get a woman in the mood. Combine that kissing as things warm up with hands caressing where they will. Make out with him. If his make out skills are good, you’ll get in the mood. Another great way to get in the mood is an oiled back, shoulders, and bum massage for her. That leads me to my last suggestion:

#4 When the two of you establish successful ways she or he loves to be seduced, so to speak, return to those methods when it’s time to initiate and do so confidently. For example, if she loves an oiled massage, walk up behind her and tell her slowly and distinctly that you want to feel her hot oiled [insert sexy bod part here]. Then you want to… etc etc. When you mention something sexual you want, that is also something she loves to have done to her, it’s a much more consistent path to her rapt interest.

Men can make the logical mistake of what has been called the, “Am I gonna get lucky tonight?” approach. It fails because it is based in a self-centered perspective of how sex will benefit him and him alone. It’s logical because he knows how good it’s going to feel to his penis. (Remember, the only one that has to orgasm to make babies is the male, so his path to that is much more efficient.) Men who still do this must take on a seduction style that reflects his and her desires and hot spots. This makes initiating even more commonplace because the answer is almost always yes and the resulting sex is amazing for both. As his sexual sophistication grows, he’ll brainstorm up new seduction/initiation methods, which keeps things varied and exciting

Check out the original post at Sex Life Coach NYC.

Have a spare 5 minutes? Help end boring sex and enter to win a Sqweel 2 (the world's best selling oral sex toy) at the same time! Take our quick survey by October 15th.

Eric Amaranth is a sex life coach, working in NYC and globally via video conference, who specializes in women’s and men’s sexuality, basic to advanced sex skills, and high-end sex education. Individuals and couples are guided toward the relationship, intimacy, and sexual enjoyment goals they desire most.

Amaranth believes that for the majority of people, appreciation of ourselves and our romantic partners is one of the best sustainable resources we have to continuously renew attraction, maintain respect, and stay in love with our partners. This bedrock of deep appreciation is founded and reinforced by the combination of loving relationship skills with breathtaking sexual skills. Follow him on Twitter @eric_amaranth.

4 Tips for Making Sex Amazing (Without the O)

It's getting toward the end of Orgasm October. We've talked a lot about orgasms. Having different kinds of female orgasms, surprise female orgasms, male multiple orgasms and beyond. It's totally normal to equate a really intense orgasm with great sex. What if we didn't have an orgasm? Tia Champagne is here again to talk about orgasms (or lack there-of) during sex.

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Like many other contributors have already mentioned, achieving orgasm between 2 partners in a relationship requires some practice, communication, and trust. There has to be mental and physical arousal for the body to really finish what could be the highlight of sexual intercourse. However, who said having an orgasm means good sex? Not me.

We all know the definition of sex. Whether it includes oral, anal, or purely penetration, but how many of us really know what good sex is? And does good sex mean having a more than happy, but orgasmic ending? What I'll explain here is not necessarily. When it doesn't, it's not the be-all-and-end all of sex. In fact, it can be an extremely satisfying experience.

Below are 4 tips to feel fully satisfied (and amazing) without reaching orgasm.

#1 Drop the expectations

Having wonderful sex isn't just about having clitoral or other orgasm. Don’t have sex expecting to orgasm. Sometimes, our expectations only lead to disappointment.

You know that cliché quote that says something about life being a journey, not a destination? Well, think of orgasm in that way. If it happens, it happens. But what happens on the way is super important too. Enjoy your time together--be intimate and open. At times, your orgasm will happen. Other times, you might just learn a thing or two about your partner you might not have known otherwise.

#2 Don't be afraid of quickies

For some women, a quickie could be a great time--with or without orgasm. The spontaneity, the rush, and sometimes, the funny awkwardness of it all could be the best sex you’ve had. On the other hand, some women prefer to take an hour--half of that for foreplay and the other for just intercourse. Take the time, even if your partner has a raging boner, to explore each other. If he’s impatient and needs his kick, tease him. Don’t let him get it until you’re ready, too. Teasing doesn’t necessarily have to start before sex—it can also happen during. Moral of this story? Enjoy what’s going on in the moment and don’t focus too hard on what could happen later.

#3 Focus on the fun

When you’re not expecting to orgasm, sometimes you focus on the new tricks you want to try. Backwards cowgirl could be uncomfortable at first for a lot of women.

Maybe the penis is hitting the cervix too deeply. She might feel weird with her anus in his face, or maybe her legs aren’t long enough to get that full bounce.

Either way, when you’re not expecting an orgasm, you’re more likely to change up your routine to learn what other positions turn you on. Taking a little time out to focus on the newness of it all could actually be the best thing you and your partner ever did.

#4 Use your six senses

While doing it, do a little bit more. Don’t just focus on your vagina or his penis. Bite his ears, suck his nipples, smell his hair. Using your six senses could arouse you in a different way than stimulating your clitoris. Watch his penis slide in and out of you. All of a sudden, your partner is your own personal porn star! Allow yourself to watch, listen and feel what’s going on with both of your bodies and not just between the legs.

Overall, orgasm is wonderful. And just one more time for fun-sies, orgasms do make sex a great experience. But sex can also be great without it.

What do you think good sex is and why? Let me know by sending an email at tia@getlusty.com. If you have any questions, concerns, or fantasies you’d like to share—go ahead and email me or leave a comment below. I’d love to talk to ya.

Call her Tia Champagne. She's a recent graduate of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. During her college career, she was part of a volunteer group called the Sexual Health Peers where she bonded with like-minded, sex-positive people from various backgrounds and orientations. She has taught workshops on STDs, birth control, safe sex, and relationships. It was one of the highlights of her college career and allowed her to get involved in Planned Parenthood of Illinois in Action. She was a Campaign Organizer who stood for the reproductive rights of women in Illinois.

As a third-wave feminist, she currently works in the makeup industry promoting what she believes in: women should feel and be as beautiful as they want to without scrutiny. She believes in teaching factual and healthy outlooks on sex and relationships as a way to create a sex-positive culture where future generations can thrive. E-mail me directly at tia@getlusty.com.

Podcast! Eric Amaranth on Keeping Monogamy Steamy

Eric Amaranth took an unusual approach to his training as a sex coach by apprenticing under the legendary Betty Dodson for ten years instead of going to graduate school, but he wouldn't change a thing about it.

Now with his own practice, Eric uses his unique form of therapy to help clients with intimacy and adding novelty to the bedroom. We chatted with him and recorded his insights for your listening pleasure.

More on what we talked about:
  • What got Eric into sex coaching? He noticed a need for people who could professionally teach how to create pleasure rather than simply treating sexual abuse or dysfunction.
  • He apprenticed under Betty Dodson for ten years, forming a long-running professional, emotional, and physical relationship with his mentor.
  • Although he and Betty were non-monogamous, there are disadvantages to adapting that lifestyle, Eric says; jealousy, especially when your partner's other lovers have a skill or advantage that you don't possess, can be one of the biggest challenges.
  • A big challenge for monogamous couples? Adding novelty and variety to your relationship. Try new things, add them to your repertoire, and practice, practice, practice! Sex can lose its excitement even if you're awesome in bed, he says.
  • Waiting for someone to come along to help you recreate an explosive first time experience? Don't hold your breath, Eric says. Don't get overly attached to an isolated moment because it pressures your partner to recreate an event that may not be possible the second time around.
  • What does Eric recommend add novelty to a long-term relationship? Turn off the TV! Even if it's just for 10-15 minutes, re-orient your priorities and you may be surprised how much time is left over for intimacy.
  • Want sex to be spontaneous? Even when sex is planned, add anticipation by sending sexy texts to your significant other throughout the day to help build up to the big event.
More about Eric:

Eric Amaranth is a sex life coach who specializes in women’s and men’s sexuality, basic to advanced sex skills, and high-end sex education. Eric is not a psychology-based “sex therapist,” which is the term that the public uses to refer to every professional in his field, regardless of training background. After graduating from The College of William and Mary, he went on to become the ten-year protege of pioneering sex coach Betty Dodson, PhD.

Eric’s sex life coaching is made for adults. He has knowledge and methodology differences that set him apart from what psychology-based sex therapists have to offer. Individuals and couples are guided toward the sexual relationship, intimacy, and connection goals they desire most. Upon request, he also coaches his clients on the holistic wellness and sexual health and STD information he has successfully integrated into his own life.

Amaranth believes that for the majority of people, appreciation of ourselves and our romantic partners is one of the best sustainable resources we have to continuously renew attraction, maintain respect, and stay in  love with our partners. This bedrock of deep appreciation is founded and reinforced by affectionate touch and breathtaking sexual capability. It’s what keeps partners close through the hard times. It makes partners and spouses into lovers, not distant roommates. It gives you hot sex as well as loving sex. It builds sexual desire and makes us feel alive and happy. This feeling is a crucial oasis. It lowers stress and improves our professional, marital and parenting lives. It also contributes to physical, mental, and emotional health and happiness.

Eric sees consistent success in his coaching practice with eliminating two things: clients’ infidelity interests or activities and considerations of breakup or divorce based on sexual problems and imbalances. Eric works with clients from all over the world toward his ambitious goal that his brand of sex life coaching would one day significantly reduce the instances of divorce. That’s the big picture that Amaranth wants to paint for people today and tomorrow.

Eric lives in New York City, in Manhattan, with his much-loved girlfriend. Connect with Eric on his website, www.sexlifecoachnyc.com, or find him on Facebook and Twitter @Eric_Amaranth.

5 Surprise Places to Have Crazy Apartment Sex



You might not be surprised the bed is included in this list. Yeah, OK, so it's pretty usual. But how about some additions? Have you really made the most of your apartment for sex, lately? GetLusty for Couples' Bethany Kibblesmith is here talking about making the most of your humble abode.

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We’ve already covered having wonderful ideas for having sex in your kitchen in depth, but there are plenty of other places, in even the tiniest of apartments, to get it on. Let's explore a few places in your apartment you kind try out. Think missionary position in your bedroom is getting a little stale? Check out these rooms... I dare you!

#1 The Bed (Duh.)

The tried-and-true. The go-to. And, depending on the size of your place, perhaps the only comfortable, if not disturbingly multi-functional, surface. However: don’t discount this furniture workhorse as been-there-done-that boring. Have you hung over the edge while being entered from behind? Been tied to the posts and teased mercilessly? Engaged with such raw passion the sheets were damp, torn and/or in a heap on the floor? Used the edge as leverage; the headboard for torque?

Maybe it’s time to shoo the cat, hide the magazines, change the sheets (or don’t) and sexplore.

#2 Closets

There’s something inherently naughty about doing it in a small, dark space amid winter coats and cocktail dresses. How about pretending you’re at a party and the house is full of guests? Sneak in, shut the door and cover your mouths so no one will hear you (wink). A closet can also be a boon for those into BDSM. Put the winter coats and cocktail dresses elsewhere and tie your lover to the bar. Shut the door while they squirm and you plan your loving torture.

#3 Bathroom 

Before you say “eww”, remember: this is where the shower is. The bathtub. The edge of the bathtub. The strategically placed medicine cabinet mirror. While it’s true natural lubrication can lose some of its slickness in water.

Who’s to say you can’t stash a bottle of lube amongst the shampoo and conditioner? Have a sensual, exploratory bath? Or try the tub dry and enjoy rinsing off the fruits of your labor afterward. What about erotically soaping each other’s genitals with something gentle and organic then revisiting #1?

Being clean is a must for anal play and oral sex, so respect the erotic oasis that is your bathroom and get busy.

#4 The Laundry Room 

While technically not a part of the apartment (unless you’ve got a fancy in-unit thing going on), a shared laundry room can be tremblingly thrilling. But it is not for the faint of heart. In light of the distinct possibility of neighbors walking in, the laundry room is for those who enjoy flirting with being caught. Still with me? Let's proceed.

Like kitchen counters, washers and dryers are (usually) a good height for serious penetration - with the added bonus of, should you invest a few quarters, rhythmic motion. Don't discount the folding table. Sundry props (never use anyone else's belongings). Or your storage unit, if you have one (aspects of #3 are applicable).

Proceed with caution! Should you be discovered, there could be serious consequences. No fooling. Should you get away with it, however, it could become a powerful bonding experience you’ll reminisce about for years.

#5 The Balcony

Not everyone is lucky enough to have a balcony. But here in Chicago, they are aplenty. For some of the less private models, or those on the ground floor, you'll have to get creative. Why not use the feeling of being exposed to induce a delicious sense of danger while knowing at any time you can rush back in to #1, #2 or #3?

Kick back, have a glass of wine and quietly talk dirty to each other while people pass on the street. Or how about wearing a skirt sans panties and allowing your lover a long look when the coast is clear? A strategically placed garment can increase your opportunities to push the boundaries a bit farther. Hand jobs, anyone? Or why not experiment with orgasm denial?

If you’re fortunate enough to have a private balcony, get out there! Open air and a healthy streak of exhibitionism can be extremely erotic. Drag out a sleeping bag and make like your camping. Lean coquettishly over the edge as if the neighborhood is the most interesting thing you’ve seen all day and let your lover secretly finger you. For those without balconies, don’t fret: why not apply a few of the suggestions in front of a window or two?

Stay tuned for the next installment of apartment sex. We’ll explore props-around-the-house and how to put your furniture to good use!

This is a post by Bethany Kibblesmith. She's passionate about keeping it sexy inside and outside the bedroom in her own relationship and in yours!

Bethany is twenty-two and an English major. When she isn't scrambling to finish homework, she's spending time with her boyfriend, reading, doing yoga or cooking. She enjoys the finer things in life like, secondhand clothes, warm showers and socks without holes. She writes plays when she isn't writing for school or GetLusty. And if you meet her she will, without question, make a sex joke at some point. Have questions? Email her at Editorial@GetLusty.com!

Podcast! Dan and Jennifer on Romance & Intimacy

Dan and Jennifer Baritchi have impacted the lives of millions of individuals and couples through their successful online venture, DanAndJennifer.com. Serial entrepreneurs to the core, we had to ask them about their secrets for today's busy couples. Read more & listen to the podcast!

More on what we talked about:
  • Where did Dan and Jennifer get their start? They began by creating an online dating site which evolved into an online love and sex advice forum.
  • How did they meet? At work! Dan & Jennifer both worked in technology and IT before becoming a couple and transitioning to the world of love and sex.
  • A fun exercise Dan & Jennifer recommend for couples to help with communication? Write down things you want to experiment with sexually, put them in a "fantasy box," and occasionally pull them out to try.
  • With such busy schedules, how do Dan & Jennifer make time for romance? By scheduling a weekend away. It's better to have quality sex when you can find the time than to have rushed sex every night, they say.
  • So what are some of the 1,001 best places to have sex in America? Some of the best places, Dan and Jennifer believe, are right in your own home — have sex everywhere that's not the bedroom!
  • Why the focus on couples at AskDanAndJennifer.com? There are a lot of sites for helping people find dates, but less for those who are already in relationships seeking an open, nonjudgmental forum.
More about Dan & Jennifer:

Ask Dan & Jennifer is a very popular and respected Love & Sex show, advice column, online magazine, and relationship support community: touching millions of lives every month in a healthy and positive way.
Their mission is to help people create conscious relationships based on love and acceptance rather than fear, jealousy, anger and ownership. It's time to move on from outdated ideas about love and sex.

Apart from their website and YouTube show, Dan and Jennifer have landed various media spots in publications and on TV. They also have three published books available on Amazon.com. Connect with Dan & Jennifer on DanAndJennifer.com, or find them on social media such as Facebook and Twitter @DanAndJennifer.
     
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