Tomorrow! Networking for Kinky People

GetLusty is all about meeting new kinky people! If you wanna get out there and find some like minded sexual deviants, there's plenty of events just for that purpose. Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg host a variety of classes on sexuality. This week's class is on networking and GetLusty's event writer Greg Dorn has the details.

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Just as people come in all shapes and sizes, so do our sexual appetites. For people who want to expand their sexual resume, for people who need something a little bit more wild, or for people who are simply curious and looking for something fun to do, you should show up at Taboo Tabou this Wednesday at 7pm.  Don't be shy.

The What

Networking for Kinky People: Learn how to function in various sexual subcommunities including polygamy and swinging. In most social settings, it is very difficult to be open and find people who are interested in the same sexy activities as you. This class gives you a chance to learn how to maneuvere those communities, in which you can find someone to join you in exploring your most intimate desires!

The Who

Ken Melvoin-Berg owns Weird Chicago Tours and the Midwest’s premier S&M Dungeon, The Studio. As a Lecturer and Sexstorian, he is the creator of On The Edge (a lecture/film series on BDSM). In addition to authoring 14 books on various subjects, Ken edits and writes numerous articles on sexuality. He travels around the world teaching kink awareness to various private groups and continually develops new kink-friendly/sex positive classes.

Ken is responsible for the infamous Northwestern University Fucksaw controversy while teaching his class, Networking for Kinky People. Sunny Megatron is his partner in crime in his perverted adventures.

Sunny Megatron is a pleasure advocate, sex blogger, sexpert, adult sexuality educator and accidental superhero. Along with Ken, she is one of the infamous Northwestern Fucksaw Four and is the proud owner of that fucksaw heard around the world.

On any given weekend you can find Sunny hosting Red Light District Sex Tours and bachelorette parties for Weird Chicago Tours. She also teaches various sexuality workshops around the country including: Networking for Kinky People, BDSM 101, How to Give a World Class BlowJob, Exploring Non-Monogamy, ZAP! Electrical Play, The Female Orgasm, and Junk For Your Junk: Sex Toys 101.

Although Sunny covers various subjects, her specialties are the female orgasm and alternative sexuality— from LGBTQ topics to swinging, BDSM, nontraditional relationships, extreme toys, g-spot techniques and more. She particularly enjoys helping those curious about adding a little spice to their sex lives that aren’t sure where to begin.

Where and When

Don't fret, the next class is this Wednesday, November 14, 2012 at Lakeview's Taboo Tabou starting at 7pm. Tickets are sold at the door, but reserve your spot now by clicking on this link. Be sure to check out their other upcoming events. All classes are held upstairs in the Salon Cabaret, and require a $10 class fee.

For more classes, and Chicago sex tours, please check out Ken and Sunny here. Just remember to leave your inhibitions at the door. Trust me, you'll be in good hands.

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This is a guest post by our own Greg Dorn. Greg is a self-employed day trader who loves writing. He aims to think about sex whenever possible, including enhancing his own love life! If you don't see Greg crunching numbers, you'll find him enjoying the beauty of his wonderful girlfriend around Chicago. Greg also writes for a History of Cool, a perspective on the changing definition of cool. Besides sex and numbers, Greg geeks out on the ever-changing analytical definition of coolness. Find Greg on Twitter @ahistoryofcool.

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Feel Better About BDSM

There is often a great deal of confusion surrounding BDSM. People have desires and fantasies they want to act out, but feel guilty or uncomfortable with the idea. It can turn into a difficult situation to approach with your partner. With BDSM, the distinctions between excitement and discomfort often become blurred. Without guidance, confusion and miscommunication can lead to frustration. Luckily, Good Men Project is here to advice! Sex advice gurus Eli and Josie received a reader question along the same lines. They answered with help from Noah Brand on how this man should address his conflicted feelings towards fulfilling his girlfriend's S&M fantasies.

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Dear Sexes: My girlfriend just recently told me that she’s into S&M and she knows that I had a master/slave relationship in the past. What she doesn’t know is that it’s not sexual to me. It pulls up a very ugly and repressed emotion/mentality. I want to do whatever I can to fulfill her fantasies, but I’m pretty uncomfortable with mentally accessing that part of me far enough for ME to enjoy it. Is this a common feeling? How safe is it for me to try this out? And when can I call it quits, having done my duty?

She Said: First and foremost, the way you just phrased that to us is probably the perfect way to explain your feelings to your girlfriend. There’s a chance that she may just want to explore the S&M side of herself, and isn’t even sure if it’s going to be something she needs, in which case you’d be off the hook.

There’s also the chance that she thinks that somewhere deep inside, because of your former relationship, that you need some element of BDSM to be fulfilled. To me, this is a case of you two just needing to have an open-hearted conversation.

However, we wanted to reach out to our friend, Noah Brand from The Good Men Project and No Seriously What About The Menz, who knows more about less-mainstream sexuality than we do, in order to get you a more knowledgeable response. Hopefully between the three of us, we can help!

He Said: I know this question is about S&M, but forget about that aspect for a moment. Your girlfriend wants to try something romantically/sexually that you’ve tried in the past, aren’t particularly into now, and sort of object to personally. There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, and you should not force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Additionally, your girlfriend would (most likely) not want you do anything that compromised your values, or even personal tastes.

On the other hand, you’re in a relationship, so compromise (often) and communication (always) are required. Sit down with your girlfriend and discuss your fears, goals, and ideas about this scenario. Make sure you get your thoughts out, and do your best to listen carefully. The two of you may have more common ground than you think. And the more open you are with each other, the better chance you give each other to succeed.

Now, a few words from our guest expert. Noah - take it away.

Noah Said: It’s hard to give specific advice without knowing specific details, but if I understand you correctly, you’re saying that you’re worried about being an abusive top. (You are the top in these scenarios?) Rather than just being a fun kinky thrill for you, you’re worried that this kind of power play taps into a darker and more dangerous part of your psyche. If that’s not actually your problem, please write in again and explain more and we’ll tackle the question again.

To answer your question - that’s not all that uncommon. Most conscious and responsible tops feel some level of tension between the enjoyment of power and the fear of abusing it. Sounds like in your case that tension’s a bit higher than most, but that’s not necessarily an insurmountable problem. The solution is the solution to literally almost all kink problems: communication, limits, and boundaries.

First and foremost, talk openly with your girlfriend about her specific fantasies and your own feelings. Do the things she wants even overlap with the things you fear doing? Did you just start to answer that question without asking her first? You say she doesn’t know about your repressed emotions? I say she probably should. Talk about these things very specifically and very honestly, with minimal “Oh, you know what I mean” or “I guess just anything” or phrases like that. The kink worksheet created by the great Cliff Pervocracy is a good starting point.

From there, you need to set clear limits and boundaries, and you must be clear that you are BOTH allowed to set those. You have every much a right to say “I’m not comfortable doing that to you” as she does to say “I’m not comfortable having that done to me.” It will help if you can do some trust exercises: the trust needs to go both ways. You need to know that she can use a safeword if she has to, that she can look out for her own safety and well-being, and she needs to know that you will respect her safeword - that you won’t go too far.

What I’m saying is that you may be wrong about not being able to explore this side of yourself safely, and you may also be wrong about not being able to enjoy power dynamics on a sexual level. With communication and boundaries, you can potentially construct a space for yourself and your girlfriend where you can both have a good time, and even if it doesn’t work, you’ll both be able to understand why, and learn from the experience without getting hurt.

Unless, of course, the nature of your problem is that you’re thinking “Communication? Boundaries? Safewords? I don’t want to do those things!” In which case you were right the first time, you’re a shitty top and should not play with anyone.

Cross posted with permission from She Said He Said. Reprinted from The Good Men Project.

Josie is a writer living in Los Angeles. Though she has a tight circle of female friends, she's always been a guy's gal. This advice column came about because her best girls kept begging her to ask her guy friends for sex and dating advice on their behalf. She realized that the advice they offered was honest and direct--and completely different than the advice women offered each other.

Eli is an indie-rock musician living in New York City. He loves his football and hockey as much as the next red-blooded male. But when it comes to relationships and love, he's really a true romantic. His friends (female and male) are always asking him for his dating/relationship advice due to his genuine caring, perceptiveness, and honesty. He always calls it like he sees it, and usually sees it very well. 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Couples Negotiation 101

You'd be surprised, but arguing can be the difference between a good and great relationship. Don't fight occasionally? Be scared. Good communication is about negotiation. And many times these will get heated. Being a couple involves conversations that sometimes get heated. It's part of human nature. But these arguments can turn negative--quick. Luckily, Chuck and JoAnn Bird are here to talk about how to get positive things out of relationship disputes.

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Saying that communication is the key to a healthy relationship is like saying that an engine is a relatively important part of your car. It really shouldn’t need to be said, anymore.

Yet, knowing that and acting on it are two different experiences. If communicating well was such an easy thing for couples, then why do so many couples have trouble doing it?

The truth is that speaking from the heart is one of the most difficult things we do. When we have disagreements with the ones we love, it can lead to very emotional conversations and arguments. Of course, we are only upset because we care and it matters to us how our loved ones feel. Nonetheless, it is easy to get caught up in strong emotions and actually fail to communicate our needs in a way that will generate a positive response from our partners.

That’s why we recommend to our patients learning an important skill: negotiation.

To negotiate means to discuss something in order to reach an agreement, confer. Whether you knew it or not, you probably use negotiation skills on a daily basis. However, these skills become especially important when you are in a relationship that you want to thrive. Here are some basic negotiation skills that you can start using today:

First, go into the discussion with the mind set of making it a “win/win”, instead of trying to convince your partner to give in to what you want. Remember, you’re a team. Thus, when one person loses, the whole team loses.

• Be clear and state what you want.
• Focus your request on behavior changes.
• Try not to immediately say “No.” Instead, make a counter offer.
• Be willing and open to compromise. This means both of you must be willing to surrender something you want.
• Continue until you reach an agreement with which you both feel comfortable.
• Honor the agreement.

Here’s how it sounds when we do it poorly and when we do it right:

Not using negotiation:

Husband: “I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”

Wife: “FINE! You ALWAYS want to spend more time with them anyway!”

Using basic negotiation:

Husband: ”I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”

Wife: “I want to spend time with you on Friday nights. Instead of every Friday, how about you go out with your friends one Friday night a month?”

Husband: “I want to spend time with you too, but I also like to spend time with my friends. How about I go out with them every other Friday night?"

Wife: “Okay, just as long as we spend quality time together on our Friday nights.”

The difference in those two examples is the tone and the manner in which the disagreement was addressed. The first example showed someone who wanted to communicate a disagreement with her partner’s plan to go out, but it was all emotion with no path to a solution. The second example showed she could still communicate the same disagreement, but in a way that promoted a compromise that ended with a positive outcome. He is able to spend some time with his friends, while she secured the quality time that she wanted with her husband.

All this skill requires is the ability to step back and think for a moment before you respond. It’s perfectly natural to feel strong emotions with regard to your partner. However, by communicating your viewpoint the right way, you can actually convey how you feel in a way that can lead to solving the dispute instead of it escalating into a bigger one.

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Genital Bear Trap? How-to Overcome Sexual Rejection

Rejection in the bedroom is so common that it has become an archetype for humor everywhere. But, all humor aside, rejection in the bedroom sucks. Especially when it comes from someone you love and care about deeply. It may seem as simple as your partner not being in the mood, but rejection might be symptomatic of deeper issues. Even though rejection can freak couples out, Dr. Jenn has a few explanations for what causes frustration and some very helpful advice on how to overcome.

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Read the cartoon. “I’m guessing you are not in the mood…” Cue laughter. Why does this evoke laughter? Even I laughed initially when I read it before I considered other perspectives. I was curious whether women in general would find it amusing due to familiarity with that situation, or if they would be upset by it. And what about men?

In my private practice, I frequently witness this dynamic with couples of mismatched desire levels, albeit not to the extent of barbed wire. In bed at night, here’s the monologue that seems to go through the woman’s head:

He will probably want sex tonight. It’s been a little while so maybe I should. But I’m exhausted and don’t feel like it. If I yawn loudly, he’ll see the subtle clue that I’m too tired and not ask, and then I won’t feel guilty about saying no.

This cartoon cuts through the mental game playing as the woman blatantly presents her opinion about sex that night. The man scratches his head, and with a bit of uncertainty, states the obvious.

I have mixed feelings about this cartoon. This is a stereotype, and such stereotypes are problematic because they can enforce already restrictive gender roles. On the other hand, this is how many couples operate, and humor is a known path to opening dialogue around uncomfortable topics.

So I posted the cartoon on Facebook and asked for people’s initial reactions, and why they had that reaction (both publicly and in private message). The responses were incredibly varied from the extremes of “this is depressing” and “this isn’t funny,” to recognition that “as a mother of three children, I laughed,” to “lighten up people, it’s a joke” (which incidentally, was from a man). The most poignant responses were those indicating opposing gender perspectives on who was responsible for the couple reaching this point. As one friend posted: we need to ask why this is happening. I quite agree. What differences are women and men learning about sex and experiencing around sex that makes this a often repeated joke? Clearly we’re missing the mark. And each other.

From a woman’s perspective, why would she get to a point of desiring physical barriers between her and her partner? She may be exhausted and overwhelmed from juggling so much, doesn’t feel much of a physical sex drive, she’s bored with the same old in the bedroom, or she’s built up a wall of resentments that make opening up sexually difficult. These are all common explanations I hear from clients and are quite valid. The Facebook crowd added that a discomfort can exist if the man has cheated or if the woman gets tired of saying no. This was exemplified by the comment, “another clueless horny man,” from a woman who thought the cartoon was funny because it's true. There were also some women who felt that the depicted couple was sad and distressing, because clearly her other modes of communication had been ignored.

The sad theme was also mentioned by several men, who considered it frustrating to a man. I perceived these responses to mean that to encounter such roadblocks when desiring sexual intimacy with your partner is upsetting. Continual rejection can take quite a toll on a man’s self-esteem and confidence. On the other hand, several men found humor in the cartoon with the “it’s funny because it’s true” response for a few reasons: because women don’t communicate directly enough for men to understand, so the blatancy of the cartoon is appreciated; it “blames” the woman for her lack of interest in sex; and that the use of a bear trap and fencing in bed is just funny. One explanation for this scenario I have found in my practice is that men are more likely to continue to have physical sexual desire throughout a long-term relationship, while their female partners don’t experience the same type of physical urges. It can be difficult for men to understand and accept this shift.

That being said, I would be remiss to not share the perspectives of the women and men who expressed the opposite view. A couple women were in the shoes of the “man” of wanting more sex. One man responded, after a chuckle, that sometimes guys don’t want sex either. There were also some people who recognized that it takes two to tango, and that both partners play a role in creating this situation. I certainly see all of this in my practice as well.

What is the lesson here? In relationships as depicted in the cartoon, it’s vital to realize that the woman is not trying to be a gatekeeper. Additionally, the man is not trying to be an ass. Despite the difficulty in each partner accepting this, it is actually quite hurtful and guilt-inducing on both sides. It helps to avoid defensiveness, be honest and accepting of the truth, and allow space for your partner to do the same. Get to the heart of your needs, desires, and motivations, and open to a teamwork approach. Otherwise that electrical fence will get more charged and divisive.

And the funniest response on Facebook? One of the class clowns from my high school did not disappoint. He wrote: “I’m wondering what book she’s reading? Maybe it’s 50 Shades of Grey, in which case the guy should hang in there as she might change her mind shortly.” Thank you, Doug.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

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Is There a Quick Fix for Sexless Marriage?

We love Dr. Jenn Gunsaullus, PhD. She has helped us take ownership of our sexuality, give better anal, and taught us what to do if sex gets painful. Today, she's back again for a big problem that over 20 million Americans have.

Sexless relationships and marriage. We'll have more on sexless couples, but for now, we wanted to address this issue!

Dr. Jenn has wonderful advice to give and wants to improve everyone's love life. Do you notice that sex in your relationship is becoming less frequent and want that quick fix? Dr. Jenn is here to let you know why quick fixes are not always the answer to your problems.

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If you've experienced how verbose I am about any sexual or relationship topic, you won't be surprised to hear me respond NO to the above query. However, there are two basic questions you can ask yourself in order to start digging at the foundation of a lackluster sex life.

Question yourself and your partner. Ask these two basic questions:

1. What does having sex mean to you?
2. What does not having sex mean to you?

When I write "mean," I'm referring to the compelling emotions surrounding these questions. For example, one woman I presented the first question to exploded, "What does it mean? It means I'm just taking care of my husband like I have to take care of the house, the kids, and my clients at work." Yikes. Lots of underlying resentments. Generally, resentments represent needs that aren't being met. In this case, she was not feeling nurtured and cared for, and feeling overwhelmed with emotionally managing so many others.

In another case, I asked a male client in a "sexless" marriage what not having sex meant to him. He sadly replied that he was unable to have a level of closeness and intimacy he craved, intimacy that made him feel good about himself and connected to his wife. Having sex with his wife validated his self worth as a man and a loving husband.

What's the quick fix?

When sex is "missing" in a relationship, just trying to spice up the excitement level rarely addresses the depth of the hurt, resentments, and walls that have built up. Gently pulling back the layers of hurt and disconnect and replacing them with appreciation and vulnerability (with a kick of creativity) is the best "quick fix" I can recommend.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

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What is Sex Negativity?

At GetLusty for Couples, we're all about being sex positive for many reasons. Most of all--when you talk about having great sex with your spouse--it ends up getting better! Well, Nadine Thornhill, our lovely "north of the border" sex educator (she's from Canada, eh), is here to first talk about and explain sex-negativity, the opposite of sex positivity. We've talked frequently about sex positive Facebook pages and YouTube channels. We've also talked more broadly on sex positivity, but let's take a look at its opposite; sex negativity. Why is it so important to stay positive? Hopefully, we will all become a lot less sex-negative after her series on these two philosophies!

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I was facilitating a session on sex-positivity last weekend, when something occurred to me: I’ve never written a post about sex-positivity. That’s a pretty big oversight on my part considering the I bandy the term around these parts with gleeful abandon.

Sex-positivity is a philosophy I saw being modeled at the Ottawa sex shop institution, Venus Envy. It was an attitude towards sex that I admired and sought to emulate. It wasn’t until did my training at PPO that I learned it was an entire social movement with its own name and everything!

Sex positivity has and continues to change my ideas about people, choice and the role sex plays in our lives. It influences everything I do as a sex educator. For me it’s a big, life-altering idea – one that’s too massive to cover in one post, so this will be the first in a series of two. I’ve named them Sex Posivity For Beginners, since I’m still near the start of the learning curve myself.

Sex positivity came about in opposition to a philsophy known as sex negativity. In my opinion sex negativity is pretty unawesome but I  need to start there, so that’s mostly what this post will be about.

What is sex negativity?

Sex negativity is based on an assumption that sex and sexual pleasure are inherently harmful, immoral and dangerous or a sacred experience that can and should be possessed. Sex negativity requires that sexual desire be largely ignored and suppressed except under specific circumstance like a marriage or for the purposes of procreation. It assumes that there are morally superior/inferior sexual orientations, gender expressions and social constructs. For example, in our society monogamous, heterosexual, and cisgender people are typically given more privilege and experience greater approval than people who are poly, queer and/or trans.

Sex-negativity also posits that there are right and wrong, or at least better or worse kinds of sex. In a sex-negative framework the where, when, why and with whom of what constitutes better vs. worse sex are meant to apply to pretty much everyone without regard for personal desires or circumstances.

Specific social sanctions around sex have relaxed over time but as a whole our society is still pretty sex-negative. Sometimes, so am I. I’ve been influenced by sex-negativity my whole life. And even though I’ve discovered this rad new sex-positive philosophy, I haven’t become some radically enlightened, different person with a different brain. I still accept and perpetuate sex negative thinking, often without realizing I’m doing it. I’ve tried to become more aware of my own sex-negative attitudes but it’s definitely an ongoing process.

Something I have noticed is the way situations involving sex are often evaluated very differently from similar situations where sex is not a factor. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Lying vs. Cheating

This happens: Reese is married. Reese enjoys shopping but isn’t always completely honest about what was bought or how much money was spent. Society says: It’s not ideal. Still, people fudge the truth about money all the time. Reese’s partner shouldn’t end the marriage over it. They should work it out.

Meanwhile (cheating)


This happens: Jordan is married. One day at an office party, Jordan flirts with a co-worker and they wind up making out. Society says: What a douche! Trust has been irrevocably broken. Jordan’s partner is totally justified in leaving this terrible marriage.

Illness vs. STIs

This happens: Sam gets the flu after sharing a big bowl of popcorn with a friend who had the flu.

Society says: We hope Sam feels better soon. The flu sucks but what can you do? Sharing food is normal. These things happen.

Meanwhile (STIs)


This happens: Alex contracts chlamydia after having sex with a friend who had chlamydia.

Society says: Alex has an sexually transmitted infection. How embarrassing! And gross! Alex is probably so ashamed but too bad. These are the risks you take when you have sex.

Straight vs. Queer

This happens: A man and a woman are sitting on a bench near a playground full of children, holding hands. They share a quick kiss on the lips.

Society says: That’s nice. If the children have questions, their parents will probably offer some simplified explanation like “those people are in love,” with age-appropriate answers to any follow-up questions. This will make everyone happy…especially the children.

Meanwhile (queer)

This happens: Two people of the same gender on a bench near a playground full of children, holding hands. They share a quick kiss.

Society says: Inappropriateness! Now the children will ask questions! Queer people are only defined by the type of sex they have, so we can’t possibly explain what just happened without opening a big Pandora’s box of sexual orientation and activity. That couple have no right to be smooching here! It’s confusing for the children! WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

Bankers vs. Hookers

This happens: Pat needs money to live. Pat works as a mortgage broker at the bank. Pat has no particular love of money or financial transactions but they are good at it. Pat does not feel any strong connection to clients when processing their mortgage applications.

Society says: Pat is a responsible, productive member of society. Being paid to do math is totally respectable. Working in a bank is fine, even when you don’t love it. Pat’s gotta do what Pat’s gotta do.

Meanwhile (hookers)

This happens: Sal needs money to live. Sal works as a prostitute in a brothel. Sal does not have great passion for every client but is sexually skilled. Sal does not form strong emotional connections with clients after having sex with them.

Society says: Sal is an amoral, destructive member of society. No self-respecting person would ever accept money for sex. Having sex with someone without any significant emotional investment is soul-destroying. Sal is all scarred and damaged, yo!

Friends vs. Lovers

This happens: Jesse is very socially active and has many friends. Jesse friends are a diverse lot. Jesse enjoys playing baseball with some friends, attends a monthly book club with an entirely different group of friends and next month Jesse’s going to Florida with some pals from college. Everyone involved is aware that Jesse has lots of friends. Everyone is okay with it.

Society says: Have fun, Jesse! (Society does NOT cite the increased risk of contracting a communicable disease as reason for Jesse to have fewer friends or social interactions!)

Meanwhile (lovers)

This happens: Sidney is sexually active and has several partners. Sidney’s partners are a diverse lot. Sidney enjoys frequent sex with a cute co-worker and recently hooked up with someone at a party. Sidney also has a fuck buddy in another city and they connect a couple times a year. Everyone involved is aware that Sidney has multiple sex partners. Everyone is okay with it.

Society says: Too much sex, Sid! You’re being kind of slutty. And by slutty we mean dirty and bad. (Sid will likely get an earful about promiscuity and an increased risk of contracting an STI.)

Your personal reaction to any of these scenarios may be different from the "society says." Not every person in our society is sex negative, nor is everyone sex negative all the time. But generally speaking there is an assumption situations involving sex will be problematic, and we attribute those problems to the inherent “wrongness” of sex. And yes, sex can be risky and/or have negative consequences. But are those risks unique to sex? Are those negative outcomes because of our attitudes about sex or because of the sex itself?

Enter sex positivity!

Sex positivity defines sex as fundamentally healthy and a potentially positive human drive. It still places sanctions/boundaries on sexual activity – namely informed consent. And it also acknowledges that sex may not a positive experience for everyone or that some people choose not to participate or even have a desire for sex.

But sex positivity tends to emphasize pleasure, personal agency and individual expression as important elements of sex. Sex positivity doesn’t rank sexual activities in terms of their “rightness” or “wrongness”. It’s a lot about honoring people’s individual desires and respecting the sexual choices people make.

And there’s more. Much, much more! As I said, I’m a beginner myself. I’m only starting to get a sense of how sex-positivity challenges many of my assumptions about sexuality and how that in turn will affect my work and my life. But I am a full-on, sex-positivity fan-girl!

In the next post, I will write more specifically about what sex-positivity is and ways I’ve learned of putting the theory into practice. Stay tuned!

This was originally posted on Adorkable Undies.

Nadine is a sexual health educator, playwright, poet, burlesque performer, partner and parent living in Ottawa, Ontario. The plays and poetry she creates tend toward subjects such as clitorises, vibrators and non-monogamy.

She enjoys candy, fashion and dreck television. She does not care for pants. Find her on Twitter @NadineThornhill. She also blogs on Adorkable Undies. Find her blog on Facebook and Pinterest.

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Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Pegging Reviewed

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30 Must-'Like' Sex-Positive Facebook Pages

Facebook is a great place to connect with like-minded people and get daily updates from your favorite sex-positive communities and businesses.

GetLusty for Couples loves seeing our articles being 'Liked' and shared by our viewers and we love to share other people's articles as well. Here is a list of 30 sex-positive Facebook pages that we love seeing posts from everyday!

Be sure to 'Like' them on Facebook and get their awesome updates on your feed! Speaking of Facebook, have a spare minute? End boring sex and enter to win a VulvaLoveLovely creation by 'Liking' GetLusty for Couples on Facebook!

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Without ado, below are our best recommendations for sex-positive individuals and pages on Facebook! 

1. The Mama Sutra

"Mother of two girls. Holds a Bachelor of Science (Psychology) and a Certificate in Women's Studies from UW-Madison. Graduate of IASHS as Master of Human Sexuality. I strive to normalize conversations about sex and sexuality between parents and their children."

2. Bring Back Desire

"Mission: To help women rediscover their sensual pleasure and fulfillment while creating deeper and more intimate relationships, with their beloved Self and their beloved partner."

3. NotSoSecret

"Mission: We're coming, we're coming... but not quite yet. To shine a bright light on feminine sexuality in a way that inspires women to enjoy the fullest possible spectrum of awesome sex in a way that is informative, entertaining and inspiring."

4. Pleasure Coach

"The Pleasure Coach is for women, men and couples, who come from all walks of life, different backgrounds and philosophies. However, even with all of that, they can be invited to come here and find information about sex, sexuality, intimacy and much, much more about the intimate side of life."

5. Lady Cheeky

"Writer and sex-positive activist Lady Cheeky started her erotica and sensual images blog in 2010 as a way to communicate with her faraway lover. Since then, Lady Cheeky has evolved into a place of candid self-discovery for her and her readers."

6. Good Vibrations

"Mission: Good Vibrations is a diverse, woman-focused retailer providing high-quality, sex-positive products and non-judgmental, accurate sex information through our clean and comfortable stores, catalog, web site, wholesale division, product and movie production lines in order to enhance our customers’ sex lives and promote healthy attitudes about sex."

7. The Turned On Woman

"Mission: To awaken. Ourselves and others. To start fires. To ignite. To catalyze. Turned-on women are changing the world. Your presence is requested."

8. The Feminist Porn Archive and Research Project

"Canada’s only funded academic study of feminist porn, the Feminist Porn Archive and Research Project seeks to document, research, support and collect materials, films, videos, dvd, online websites, posters, magazines and 'zine, news and articles about porn made by feminists."

9. Cliterati

"The original erotica site for women: sex-ed for adults, artcore (erotic art of all kinds), sex news, analysis and comment, reviews, advice and style."

10. The Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health

"A physical space for adults to learn medically accurate information relating to sexual pleasure, health and advocacy."

11. The Passion Doctor

"This page is for couples & singles who want to have more passion in their lives. -Dr. Adam Sheck"

12. Woodhull Sexual Freedom Alliance

"Mission: To Affirm Sexual Freedom as a Fundamental Human Right"

13. Sexy Living with Dr. Carlen

"As a Sexologist, 'Sexy Living with Dr. Carlen' is the creation of a safe space in order to discuss concerns, desires or general questions in regards to your relationship with your partner, yourself, and others."

14. Sexy Grammar

"Arouse The Writer: Custom Edits, Private Sessions, and Intimate Workshops for academics, entrepreneurs, and creative writers since 2003."

15. Ducky Doo Little

"Ducky is a frequent guest lecturer and performer for events that focus on welcoming new students, safer sex practice, STD education & awareness, health & wellness resources on campus, LGBT rights, sexual assault prevention, intimate partner violence awareness, alcohol & substance abuse awareness, and boosting self-esteem."

16. ErogenoUS

"Navigating the erotic life of one woman, without a helmet or a safety harness."

17. Hey Epiphora

"Mission: To conquer the world one sex toy at a time."

18. Joan Price 

"Enrich your sex life with the expert tips and real-people stories in Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex, my award-winning book about sex & aging."

19. The Sensual Life 

"Mission: The Sensual Life is nothing more…or less…than a reminder that life itself is a sensual journey. And that living a sensual, turned-on life includes feeling and experiencing everything… work, art, music… arguments, lovemaking, eating… poetry, dance, stories… walking down the street, gardening, being quiet… …as an expression of our sensuality, alive in the world."

20. Make Love Not Porn

"We like great porn. We like great sex. They're not always the same thing."

21. Feelmore510 

"Oakland's 1st Progressive Adult Store located in the Uptown District of Downtown Oakland. 1st Impressions are very important. Give us a try."

22. My Sex Professor 

"Mission: We aim to help you learn how to have better sex and optimal sexual health and pleasure. Toward this goal, we want you to have top-notch information about sex, your body, other people’s bodies, communication, relationships, tips, tricks, techniques, gender, sexual orientation, sex research, health and wellness, and the latest and greatest sexual enhancement products. We’re here to help, to educate and to entertain."

23. The Body is Not an Apology 

"Mission: The Body Is Not an Apology is a resource to promote, demonstrate, and assist in the development of a global movement toward radical self love and body empowerment. We believe that each time one of us unapologetically owns our beauty, loves our scars, heals our shame; we in turn give others permission to do the same! We believe that discrimination, social inequality and injustice are manifestations of our inability to make peace with the body, our own and others. Through education, personal transformation projects and community building, The Body is Not an Apology fosters global, radical, unapologetic self love which translates to radical human action in service toward a more just and compassionate world."

24. Sex Nerd Sandra 

"Currently, Sandra works and teaches at an adult boutique in Los Angeles. She enjoys teaching workshops to curious couples and singles on a wide range of topics. When not facilitating sexually-charged laughter for large crowds, she enjoys sassy and meaningful discussionswith her coaching clients."

25. Rachel Kramer Bussel 

"Rachel Kramer Bussel is a New York-based author, editor, blogger and event organizer. Rachel conducts reading and erotic writing workshops worldwide."

26. Early to Bed 

"Early to Bed is a feminist sex toy shop in Chicago. Women-owned and oriented, boy and trans-friendly, the store has a relaxed atmosphere that is different from your average sex shop."

27. Tristan Taormino 

"Tristan Taormino is an award-winning author, columnist, editor, and sex educator. She is the author of seven books and editor of twenty-five anthologies, including founding series editor of the Lambda Literary Award-winning Best Lesbian Erotica. She runs her own adult film production company, Smart Ass Productions, and she has directed and produced twenty-four adult films. She was a syndicated sex columnist for The Village Voice for nine and a half years, and writes an advice column for Taboo Magazine. She is the host of “Sex Out Loud” on The VoiceAmerica Talk Radio Network. She lectures at top colleges and universities and teaches sex and relationship workshops around the world."

28. Petra Joy Films 

"Porn from a female perspective!"

29. Megan Stubbs 

"Dr. Megan Stubbs is a Grand Rapids-based Sexologist. She holds a doctor of education in Human Sexuality from San Francisco’s Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a degree in Biology from Grand Valley State University. She is also Board Certified by the American College of Sexologists (ACS)." 

30. Sexual Intelligence Blog

"Sex -- and Culture, Politics, the Media -- and Sex, by Dr. Marty Klein"

Comments, questions or other recommendations we missed? Comment below!

Don't forget to also 'Like' GetLusty for Couples on Facebook, too!

Rachael is our own marketing specialist and on special occasions a writer. She spends her time researching and creating art revolving around sci-fi, the internet, and now sex! Rachael lives and works in Chicago with her boyfriend and kawaii pet guinea pig Tony Hawk. Find out more at rachaelmilton.net.
 Have any questions? Get in touch via rachael@getlusty.com.

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Podcast! Dan and Jennifer on Romance & Intimacy

Dan and Jennifer Baritchi have impacted the lives of millions of individuals and couples through their successful online venture, DanAndJennifer.com. Serial entrepreneurs to the core, we had to ask them about their secrets for today's busy couples. Read more & listen to the podcast!

More on what we talked about:

• Where did Dan and Jennifer get their start? They began by creating an online dating site which evolved into an online love and sex advice forum.
• How did they meet? At work! Dan & Jennifer both worked in technology and IT before becoming a couple and transitioning to the world of love and sex.
• A fun exercise Dan & Jennifer recommend for couples to help with communication? Write down things you want to experiment with sexually, put them in a "fantasy box," and occasionally pull them out to try.
• With such busy schedules, how do Dan & Jennifer make time for romance? By scheduling a weekend away. It's better to have quality sex when you can find the time than to have rushed sex every night, they say.
• So what are some of the 1,001 best places to have sex in America? Some of the best places, Dan and Jennifer believe, are right in your own home — have sex everywhere that's not the bedroom!
• Why the focus on couples at AskDanAndJennifer.com? There are a lot of sites for helping people find dates, but less for those who are already in relationships seeking an open, nonjudgmental forum.

More about Dan & Jennifer:

Ask Dan & Jennifer is a very popular and respected Love & Sex show, advice column, online magazine, and relationship support community: touching millions of lives every month in a healthy and positive way.
Their mission is to help people create conscious relationships based on love and acceptance rather than fear, jealousy, anger and ownership. It's time to move on from outdated ideas about love and sex.

Apart from their website and YouTube show, Dan and Jennifer have landed various media spots in publications and on TV. They also have three published books available on Amazon.com. Connect with Dan & Jennifer on DanAndJennifer.com, or find them on social media such as Facebook and Twitter @DanAndJennifer.

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