Tomorrow! Networking for Kinky People

GetLusty is all about meeting new kinky people! If you wanna get out there and find some like minded sexual deviants, there's plenty of events just for that purpose. Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg host a variety of classes on sexuality. This week's class is on networking and GetLusty's event writer Greg Dorn has the details.

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Just as people come in all shapes and sizes, so do our sexual appetites. For people who want to expand their sexual resume, for people who need something a little bit more wild, or for people who are simply curious and looking for something fun to do, you should show up at Taboo Tabou this Wednesday at 7pm.  Don't be shy.

The What

Networking for Kinky People: Learn how to function in various sexual subcommunities including polygamy and swinging. In most social settings, it is very difficult to be open and find people who are interested in the same sexy activities as you. This class gives you a chance to learn how to maneuvere those communities, in which you can find someone to join you in exploring your most intimate desires!

The Who

Ken Melvoin-Berg owns Weird Chicago Tours and the Midwest’s premier S&M Dungeon, The Studio. As a Lecturer and Sexstorian, he is the creator of On The Edge (a lecture/film series on BDSM). In addition to authoring 14 books on various subjects, Ken edits and writes numerous articles on sexuality. He travels around the world teaching kink awareness to various private groups and continually develops new kink-friendly/sex positive classes.

Ken is responsible for the infamous Northwestern University Fucksaw controversy while teaching his class, Networking for Kinky People. Sunny Megatron is his partner in crime in his perverted adventures.

Sunny Megatron is a pleasure advocate, sex blogger, sexpert, adult sexuality educator and accidental superhero. Along with Ken, she is one of the infamous Northwestern Fucksaw Four and is the proud owner of that fucksaw heard around the world.

On any given weekend you can find Sunny hosting Red Light District Sex Tours and bachelorette parties for Weird Chicago Tours. She also teaches various sexuality workshops around the country including: Networking for Kinky People, BDSM 101, How to Give a World Class BlowJob, Exploring Non-Monogamy, ZAP! Electrical Play, The Female Orgasm, and Junk For Your Junk: Sex Toys 101.

Although Sunny covers various subjects, her specialties are the female orgasm and alternative sexuality— from LGBTQ topics to swinging, BDSM, nontraditional relationships, extreme toys, g-spot techniques and more. She particularly enjoys helping those curious about adding a little spice to their sex lives that aren’t sure where to begin.

Where and When

Don't fret, the next class is this Wednesday, November 14, 2012 at Lakeview's Taboo Tabou starting at 7pm. Tickets are sold at the door, but reserve your spot now by clicking on this link. Be sure to check out their other upcoming events. All classes are held upstairs in the Salon Cabaret, and require a $10 class fee.

For more classes, and Chicago sex tours, please check out Ken and Sunny here. Just remember to leave your inhibitions at the door. Trust me, you'll be in good hands.

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This is a guest post by our own Greg Dorn. Greg is a self-employed day trader who loves writing. He aims to think about sex whenever possible, including enhancing his own love life! If you don't see Greg crunching numbers, you'll find him enjoying the beauty of his wonderful girlfriend around Chicago. Greg also writes for a History of Cool, a perspective on the changing definition of cool. Besides sex and numbers, Greg geeks out on the ever-changing analytical definition of coolness. Find Greg on Twitter @ahistoryofcool.

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7 Ways to Use Breathing to Improve Sex

Using breathing tactics isn't just for childbirth. Using different breathing techniques can heighten sexual awareness and improve your overall experience. Our resident sensual (and especially tantra) knowledgeable couple, Drs. Janelle and Rob, are back (they first talked about sensual sex). They're very passionate and well-versed in tantra, so we're especially glad to hear from them how couples can utilize their tips for better sex! Read on. 

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In the early stages of your relationship, you may very likely have experienced moments when at the touch of your partner your breath hitched, your heart sped up and the next thing you knew your breath caught up with your heart rate and came fast and heavy. Yet, have you considered just how important breath is to your intimate life with your lover?

Breath is not just about supplying your body with oxygen. It is far more than that. In fact, using your breath in different ways can enhance your sex life. You can heighten your experience, prolong orgasm, and even pierce the veil between the physical and spiritual dimensions. Keep reading to uncover 7 different ways to magnify and expand upon your lovemaking.

#1 Breathe on your lover

This may be the most obvious way to enhance your intimate play. Use your breath to breathe on your sweetie’s skin. Blow sweet caresses on his/her neck, chest, stomach, palms, inside of the wrists, and ears. Of course, it is also very potent to gently blow warm breaths onto his/her genitals. Don’t overlook placing your lips against the clothing and blowing warm puffs of breath through his/her clothing. This can be very exciting and those clothes may come flying off.

#2 Fan the flame

When you are trying to start a fire what often happens? You need to fan the spark and turn it into a roaring fire. Right? That spark needs oxygen to turn into a hot flame. As you are flirting with and playing with and loving on your partner visualize this. Imagine leaning towards that little spark and gently blowing until it turns into a raging inferno. In fact, you can do this visualization prior to touching your lover or prior to even being in the same location as he/she. Imagination is very powerful and with practice it can light your flame.

#3 Set the rhythm

Your breathing can control your heart rate and ultimately control the pace of your lovemaking. When you slow down your breathing you can slow down your experience. Yet, beware that slowing down your breathing too much can also cause you to lose your sexual desire. So, only slow down your breathing enough to prolong your lovemaking. Taking deep, slow breaths will allow more blood to flow into the genitals and this will enable the penis to swell more as well as the clitoris. This increase in blood flow will help you experience more sensation in the genitals.

#4 Orgasmic breath 

Think about it a minute. At the point of orgasm, you probably hold your breath. Most people do. What if you tried to breathe during your orgasm and at climax? This takes practice, but one suggestion is to release your breath with a vocal “oooohhh”. Another sound you can practice releasing at that point is “ooooommmm”. The “om” is more of a vibration than a word. This can vibrate throughout your entire body and your partner’s. Is there really a need for explanation of the impact of a vibration radiating throughout your bodies during orgasm? ;-)

#5 Deepen your bond with tandem breath

Breathing together in tandem can deepen your bond as well as get you in harmony with one another. Sitting facing one another get close enough so that your knees are touching.

You may also sit in the yab yum position (one partner sits cross-legged while the other partner sits facing him/her on his/her lap and wraps his/her legs around the bottom partner). Become aware of your breath. Then focus on inhaling and exhaling at the same time as your lover. You can do this fully clothed and out of bed or to heighten the experience you can sit in yab yum naked and in bed.

#6 Channel energy

Breathing moves energy through your body. As you become aware of your breathing you will become aware of your entire body and the sensations that flow from head to toe and back again. Breathe in deeply pulling energy into your root chakra (located at the base of your spine between the coccyx and pelvic bone) from the Earth. Hold that new energy there and focus on the spinning of that chakra. After a few breaths, move this energy up to the sacral chakra (located just below the navel) as you inhale. Again, focus on spinning that chakra with this increased energy. As you come together with your lover envision your root and sacral chakras blending your energies. This is the beginning of heightening the sexual energetic flow in your body.

#7 Use breath for visualization

Instead of thinking of breathing as taking in oxygen imagine you are breathing in your partner’s love for you and exhaling your love for him/her. Breath or “prana” in Sanskrit is considered to be the life force and is concentrated along the seven main chakras. So, visualize your partner’s breath as life giving love for you and your breath as life giving love for him/her. Become aware of the two of you sharing, blending and exchanging breath integrating your minds, your bodies and your souls.

We're so excited to get a couple writing for GetLusty! They're both adorable, smart and altogether wonderful!

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook on "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them on Inward Oasis.

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10 Must Read Books on Marriage

Marriage can be an intensely amazing but complicated experience and sometimes you need help and advice to guide you. We have already given you lists for things like best blow jobs and cunnilingus books to help you with your lusty sex life. Now we feel like it's about time for a list of books on marriage. The folks at GetLusty are confident that this list of 10 books will help you get through many of the speed bumps that may arise in your marriage!

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#1 The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts
Northfield Publishing, 2009
Author: Gary D Chapman

New York Times bestselling author Dr. Gary Chapman guides couples in identifying, understanding, and speaking their spouse’s primary love language—quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, or physical touch. 

Chapters are categorized by love language for easy reference, and each one ends with specific, simple steps to express a specific language to your spouse and guide your marriage in the right direction. A newly designed love languages assessment will help you understand and strengthen your relationship. You can build a lasting, loving marriage together.

#2 The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert
Three Rivers Press, 2000
Author: John M. Gottman and Nan Silver

Another book by the best-selling author John M. Gottman, Ph.D, the Seven Principles is packed with practical questionnaires and exercises. He's written extensively on the topic and has interviewed hundreds--if not thousands of couples. He knows marriage! The Seven Principals is a definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.

Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage.

#3 Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love
Little, Brown and Company, 2008
Author: Sue Johnson

"In Hold me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson presents Emotionally Focused Therapy to the general public for the first time. Johnson teaches that the way to save and enrich a relationship is to reestablish safe emotional connection and preserve the attachment bond." (From the Amazon book description"

"Wonderful! Hold Me Tight blends the best in research findings with practical suggestions from a caring and compassionate clinician. This fabulous book will be of great benefit...to couples trying to find their way to better communication and deeper, more fulfilling ways of being with each other." (Daniel J. Siegel, M.D., author of "Parenting from the Inside Out")


#4 The Journal of Best Practices: A Memoir of Marriage, Asperger Syndrome, and One Man's Quest to Be a Better Husband
Scribner, 2012
Author: David Finch

"The warm and hilarious bestselling memoir by a man diagnosed with Asperger syndrome who sets out to save his marriage."

"In his deep desire to be a good husband, a better father, a decent human being who connects with and care for others, Finch tells a universal tale, a fulfilling and even inspiring story of the difference that love – genuinely giving love - can make in our daily lives.” (Deborah Blum, author of "The Poisoner’s Handbook")

#5 His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
Revell, 2001
Author: Willard F. Jr. Harley

In the classic bestseller His Needs, Her Needs, Willard F. Harley, Jr., identifies the ten most vital needs of men and women and shows husbands and wives how to satisfy those needs in their spouses.

He provides guidance for becoming irresistible to your spouse and for loving more creatively and sensitively, thereby eliminating the problems that often lead to extramarital affairs.

#6 Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
 Free Press, 2004
Author: Shirley P. Glass and Jean Coppock Staeheli

According to Dr. Shirley Glass, "the godmother of infidelity" (The New York Times), people today are cheating on their spouses more than ever before-especially in the workplace.

Dispelling common myths with compelling new research and case studies, "Not 'Just Friends'" is a groundbreaking chronicle of what occurs before, during, and after an affair: the danger signs, the vulnerabilities of even good marriages, and the step-by-step road to healing and protecting monogamy in the aftermath.

#7 Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts: Seven Questions to Ask Before and After You Marry
Zondervan, 1995
Author: Lesle Parrott III

Are you tired of marriage books that sound like they were written thirty years ago? Do you want real, honest advice from a couple who knows the hopes and struggles of today's couples? Do you want to build a marriage that will last a lifetime? 

Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, created by relationship experts Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, is a comprehensive marriage program designed specifically for today's couples by a couple. And now, in this updated edition, the Parrotts' award-winning approach has been expanded to incorporate ten more years of feedback, research, and professional experience.

#8 Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
Owl Books, 1998
Author: David Schnarch

Passionate Marriage' is recognized as the pioneering book on intimate human relationships. With a new preface by the author, this updated edition explores the ways we can keep passion alive and even reach the height of sexual and emotional fulfillment later in life. David Schnarch accompanies his inspirational message of attaining long-term happiness with proven techniques developed in worldwide workshops to help couples develop greater intimacy. 

Chapters provide the scaffolding for overcoming sexual and emotional roadblocks— from evaluating personal expectations to laying the groundwork for keeping the sparks alive years down the road, and everything in between. This book is sure to help couples overcome hurdles in their relationships and reach the fullest potential in their love lives.

#9 The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships
Three Rivers Press, 2002
Author: John Gottman

"The Relationship Cure is another in John Gottman's superb series of books on  improving intimate relationships. What distinguishes Gottman's writing from that of other self-help books is that it is based on research findings from his extensive studies he has decoded the mystery of relationships.

"When he says his five steps will help you build better connections with the people you care about, you know that they have been demonstrated to work." (E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D., professor of psychology, University of Virginia)

#10 Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship
Plume, 1997
Author: Mira Kirshenbaum

A careful line of 36 questions and self-analysis techniques designed to get to the heart of relationship and marriage problems. This straightforward and practical advice is designed for newer and older relationships, and presents a plethora of information and experience in a clear, concise manner.

Andrew Ewald is a GetLusty writer who spends most of his time reading, writing, cooking, and watching RuPaul's Drag Race with his girlfriend. He graduated from Western Michigan University with a Bachelor's in in English. He might act like a square, but nothing is taboo with this character. Connect with him! E-mail him at andrew@getlusty.com.

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The Clitoris: Demystified

Everyone has heard a clitoris joke. They are all slightly the same and usually end on a note of dismissive bewilderment; a sort of careless surrender. Simply because the clit is small and so super-sensitive it has become a point of fear and a mystery not worth hunting for. Like the Loch Ness monster or something. Men, (and women!), not knowing what a clitoris is and where it is located has become a symbol of society's overall lack of knowledge and disregard for women in general. We at GetLusty aim to educate our readers by increasing discussion, stimulating thought, and abandoning presumptions. So even if you think you know everything about the clitoris, you should read this in-depth article from everyday sex advice team Josie and Eli.

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Dear Sexes: The clitoris. Please demystify.

He Said: Ahhh, the clitoris!!! Yet another fantastic wonder of the world. My research tells me that the clitoris is a sexual organ that is present only in female mammals. In humans, the visible, button-like portion is located near the anterior junction of the labia minora, above the opening of the urethra and vagina. The clitoris is the most sensitive erogenous zone of the female. But I’m sure you already knew that.


If you don’t know where it’s located, check out the picture to the right.

As a man, my field studies with the clitoris tell me that the pleasuring of this organ depends on the owner. When stimulating the clitoris, sometimes a penis will do. Sometimes a tongue or finger will do. And sometimes, props will get the job done as well. Don’t be afraid to experiment! There are many combinations of possibilities, but success, arousal, and satisfaction depend mostly on the preferences of the owner (and good communication – between owner and user). But of course, you don’t want to hear about my research and field studies. You want to hear (and so do I) from our resident clitoris expert, Josie.

She Said, take it away!!

She Said: Thank you, Dr. Eli.

First, let’s clarify: The clit may look like a button, but it is, in fact, not a button. Don’t press it! Don’t touch it with the expectation that you will win a prize. Imagine the all the nerve endings of your penis, but compacted together into that itty bitty little pink thing – actually there are more nerve endings in that teeny area than in your whole penis! You know that feeling after you orgasm, where you just need a second where nothing is touching you because you’re just too sensitive? That’s how the clit can feel if you don’t approach it with sensitivity.

Of course, all women are different. Our engines rev at different speeds. Some of us are geared faster, some slower. When in doubt, take it slower, as she can always tell you, “more, faster, harder” without feeling self-conscious, but she may be less apt to say, “take it easy, that’s too much, slow down.” (Though ladies, really, say what you need to say. Sex isn’t about him, it’s about you both equally.)

Also, as much as you read about this “pulling back the hood” thing with clitorises in less-than-reputable literature (like Penthouse), unless you are given specific instructions to do so, don’t do that either. That little bit of soft flesh is there for a reason, because it is so sensitive and so vulnerable. Leave it be, when she gets aroused and the clit starts to swell, it’ll take care of itself.

So on to arousal. At first, it’s best to avoid any direct contact with the clitoris. Give attention to the whole area – the inner thighs, the labia, the vagina, all the soft stuff. Your relationship with the clitoris is like starting a new little love affair every time you go down there. Give it some attention, be a little aloof, keep checking in, maybe spend a quick visit. But don’t devote a whole ton of energy on the clitoris itself until you’ve gotten the signal that it’s time.

What are the signals? First, the aforementioned swelling. All her parts are going to get soft and more pillowy, warm and pink. Second, the wetness. You should know all about that. Once you feel like the signals are all there, then move to the clit and touch lightly. As she gets more into it, you can add more pressure, but gauge how much by her reactions.

Also, when using your tongue, the tip is great for a little flick, but the wider and less specific part of your tongue is better for more consistent pressure. Try the underside of your tongue (where it’s super smooth) to start out. Once she’s into it, kissing, licking, stroking, and even gentle sucking are all great fun. Or, as Eli pointed out, use a tool.

Just remember that while she’s revving up, try to keep some variety in what you’re doing. Regardless of whether you’re using your mouth, hands, tool or if you’re in the middle of penetrative sex, don’t just find a spot and stick there the whole time. Be creative. Spend more and more time on the clit as she gets more turned on. Once you’ve hit the spot and are in a good rhythm, go with that. Listen to her words and her body and you will quickly become the best lover she’s ever known.

Most women I know find that if they’ve already had an orgasm, the clitoris is more erect, which makes it easier to orgasm during intercourse. Therefore, it’s always fun to aim to have her orgasm either before penetration, or early on in penetrative sex—using a vibrator or your hands or hers—to help increase the likelihood of her achieving multiple orgasms.

Also, there is such a thing as the internal clitoris! I think that the best practical advice about the internal clitoris involves trying different positions and different depths of penetration until you find the spot where the internal stimulation of the g-spot and/or the internal clitoris (aka “glans”) is stimulated. I’m hesitant to give specific advice about where or how this happens because it seems to be different from woman to woman. I can say that the majority of women I know, in a very unscientific poll I conducted, say that they find the best combination of internal/external stimulation of the clitoris happens with slow, almost grinding rhythmic missionary-position sex. Yes, missionary position!

However, as much fun as anecdotal evidence is, the only way for a man to know exactly how to best stimulate either the external or internal clitoris is to experiment with his partner and be responsive to her sexual response.

For more on the internal clitoris, you absolutely must read this awesome and informative Museum of Sex blog where Melodiusmsm gives both scientific and practical female glans advice! Also, I’d love to refer you to my favorite classic sex expert sites, Dodson and Ross: Warning, this video is about clitoral sensitivity – it is graphic and very NSFW!

Reprinted with permission from The Good Men Project. Cross-Posted from She Said He Said.

Josie is a writer living in Los Angeles. Though she has a tight circle of female friends, she's always been a guy's gal. This advice column came about because her best girls kept begging her to ask her guy friends for sex and dating advice on their behalf. She realized that the adice they offered was honest and direct--and completely different than the adive women offered each other.

Eli is an indie-rock musician living in New York City. He loves his football and hockey as much as the next red-blooded male. But when it comes to relationships and love, he's really a true romantic. His friends (female and male) are always asking him for his dating/relationship advice due to his genuine caring, perceptiveness, and honesty. He always calls it like he sees it, and usually sees it very well.

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What is Sex Negativity?

At GetLusty for Couples, we're all about being sex positive for many reasons. Most of all--when you talk about having great sex with your spouse--it ends up getting better! Well, Nadine Thornhill, our lovely "north of the border" sex educator (she's from Canada, eh), is here to first talk about and explain sex-negativity, the opposite of sex positivity. We've talked frequently about sex positive Facebook pages and YouTube channels. We've also talked more broadly on sex positivity, but let's take a look at its opposite; sex negativity. Why is it so important to stay positive? Hopefully, we will all become a lot less sex-negative after her series on these two philosophies!

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I was facilitating a session on sex-positivity last weekend, when something occurred to me: I’ve never written a post about sex-positivity. That’s a pretty big oversight on my part considering the I bandy the term around these parts with gleeful abandon.

Sex-positivity is a philosophy I saw being modeled at the Ottawa sex shop institution, Venus Envy. It was an attitude towards sex that I admired and sought to emulate. It wasn’t until did my training at PPO that I learned it was an entire social movement with its own name and everything!

Sex positivity has and continues to change my ideas about people, choice and the role sex plays in our lives. It influences everything I do as a sex educator. For me it’s a big, life-altering idea – one that’s too massive to cover in one post, so this will be the first in a series of two. I’ve named them Sex Posivity For Beginners, since I’m still near the start of the learning curve myself.

Sex positivity came about in opposition to a philsophy known as sex negativity. In my opinion sex negativity is pretty unawesome but I  need to start there, so that’s mostly what this post will be about.

What is sex negativity?

Sex negativity is based on an assumption that sex and sexual pleasure are inherently harmful, immoral and dangerous or a sacred experience that can and should be possessed. Sex negativity requires that sexual desire be largely ignored and suppressed except under specific circumstance like a marriage or for the purposes of procreation. It assumes that there are morally superior/inferior sexual orientations, gender expressions and social constructs. For example, in our society monogamous, heterosexual, and cisgender people are typically given more privilege and experience greater approval than people who are poly, queer and/or trans.

Sex-negativity also posits that there are right and wrong, or at least better or worse kinds of sex. In a sex-negative framework the where, when, why and with whom of what constitutes better vs. worse sex are meant to apply to pretty much everyone without regard for personal desires or circumstances.

Specific social sanctions around sex have relaxed over time but as a whole our society is still pretty sex-negative. Sometimes, so am I. I’ve been influenced by sex-negativity my whole life. And even though I’ve discovered this rad new sex-positive philosophy, I haven’t become some radically enlightened, different person with a different brain. I still accept and perpetuate sex negative thinking, often without realizing I’m doing it. I’ve tried to become more aware of my own sex-negative attitudes but it’s definitely an ongoing process.

Something I have noticed is the way situations involving sex are often evaluated very differently from similar situations where sex is not a factor. Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Lying vs. Cheating

This happens: Reese is married. Reese enjoys shopping but isn’t always completely honest about what was bought or how much money was spent. Society says: It’s not ideal. Still, people fudge the truth about money all the time. Reese’s partner shouldn’t end the marriage over it. They should work it out.

Meanwhile (cheating)


This happens: Jordan is married. One day at an office party, Jordan flirts with a co-worker and they wind up making out. Society says: What a douche! Trust has been irrevocably broken. Jordan’s partner is totally justified in leaving this terrible marriage.

Illness vs. STIs

This happens: Sam gets the flu after sharing a big bowl of popcorn with a friend who had the flu.

Society says: We hope Sam feels better soon. The flu sucks but what can you do? Sharing food is normal. These things happen.

Meanwhile (STIs)


This happens: Alex contracts chlamydia after having sex with a friend who had chlamydia.

Society says: Alex has an sexually transmitted infection. How embarrassing! And gross! Alex is probably so ashamed but too bad. These are the risks you take when you have sex.

Straight vs. Queer

This happens: A man and a woman are sitting on a bench near a playground full of children, holding hands. They share a quick kiss on the lips.

Society says: That’s nice. If the children have questions, their parents will probably offer some simplified explanation like “those people are in love,” with age-appropriate answers to any follow-up questions. This will make everyone happy…especially the children.

Meanwhile (queer)

This happens: Two people of the same gender on a bench near a playground full of children, holding hands. They share a quick kiss.

Society says: Inappropriateness! Now the children will ask questions! Queer people are only defined by the type of sex they have, so we can’t possibly explain what just happened without opening a big Pandora’s box of sexual orientation and activity. That couple have no right to be smooching here! It’s confusing for the children! WON’T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?

Bankers vs. Hookers

This happens: Pat needs money to live. Pat works as a mortgage broker at the bank. Pat has no particular love of money or financial transactions but they are good at it. Pat does not feel any strong connection to clients when processing their mortgage applications.

Society says: Pat is a responsible, productive member of society. Being paid to do math is totally respectable. Working in a bank is fine, even when you don’t love it. Pat’s gotta do what Pat’s gotta do.

Meanwhile (hookers)

This happens: Sal needs money to live. Sal works as a prostitute in a brothel. Sal does not have great passion for every client but is sexually skilled. Sal does not form strong emotional connections with clients after having sex with them.

Society says: Sal is an amoral, destructive member of society. No self-respecting person would ever accept money for sex. Having sex with someone without any significant emotional investment is soul-destroying. Sal is all scarred and damaged, yo!

Friends vs. Lovers

This happens: Jesse is very socially active and has many friends. Jesse friends are a diverse lot. Jesse enjoys playing baseball with some friends, attends a monthly book club with an entirely different group of friends and next month Jesse’s going to Florida with some pals from college. Everyone involved is aware that Jesse has lots of friends. Everyone is okay with it.

Society says: Have fun, Jesse! (Society does NOT cite the increased risk of contracting a communicable disease as reason for Jesse to have fewer friends or social interactions!)

Meanwhile (lovers)

This happens: Sidney is sexually active and has several partners. Sidney’s partners are a diverse lot. Sidney enjoys frequent sex with a cute co-worker and recently hooked up with someone at a party. Sidney also has a fuck buddy in another city and they connect a couple times a year. Everyone involved is aware that Sidney has multiple sex partners. Everyone is okay with it.

Society says: Too much sex, Sid! You’re being kind of slutty. And by slutty we mean dirty and bad. (Sid will likely get an earful about promiscuity and an increased risk of contracting an STI.)

Your personal reaction to any of these scenarios may be different from the "society says." Not every person in our society is sex negative, nor is everyone sex negative all the time. But generally speaking there is an assumption situations involving sex will be problematic, and we attribute those problems to the inherent “wrongness” of sex. And yes, sex can be risky and/or have negative consequences. But are those risks unique to sex? Are those negative outcomes because of our attitudes about sex or because of the sex itself?

Enter sex positivity!

Sex positivity defines sex as fundamentally healthy and a potentially positive human drive. It still places sanctions/boundaries on sexual activity – namely informed consent. And it also acknowledges that sex may not a positive experience for everyone or that some people choose not to participate or even have a desire for sex.

But sex positivity tends to emphasize pleasure, personal agency and individual expression as important elements of sex. Sex positivity doesn’t rank sexual activities in terms of their “rightness” or “wrongness”. It’s a lot about honoring people’s individual desires and respecting the sexual choices people make.

And there’s more. Much, much more! As I said, I’m a beginner myself. I’m only starting to get a sense of how sex-positivity challenges many of my assumptions about sexuality and how that in turn will affect my work and my life. But I am a full-on, sex-positivity fan-girl!

In the next post, I will write more specifically about what sex-positivity is and ways I’ve learned of putting the theory into practice. Stay tuned!

This was originally posted on Adorkable Undies.

Nadine is a sexual health educator, playwright, poet, burlesque performer, partner and parent living in Ottawa, Ontario. The plays and poetry she creates tend toward subjects such as clitorises, vibrators and non-monogamy.

She enjoys candy, fashion and dreck television. She does not care for pants. Find her on Twitter @NadineThornhill. She also blogs on Adorkable Undies. Find her blog on Facebook and Pinterest.

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Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Pegging Reviewed

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4 Ways to Start Meditating for Better Sex

Meditation seems to be a huge trend right now in the celebrity world with Orlando Bloom and Gisele Bundchen claiming to meditate. But its more than a mere fad. Meditation, like yoga, is thousands of years old! Its healing properties such as reducing stress and bringing about more mental well-being should have everyone meditating! But lets face it: meditation can be scary and intimidating. But, what if I told you that mediation can actually help you reach orgasms? Would you start chanting and making the sound of "om" more? Our Lora Swarts reports on how to get started with meditation!

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According to researchers at Brown University in Rhode Island, women who are able to train their mind and thoughts during sex will experience more pleasure. The study followed 44 students: 30 of whom were women and half of whom had taken a 12 week meditation course. The participants were shown a slideshow of erotic images. When asked to describe their reaction as calm, anxious or aroused, the women who were mediating already registered more quickly as feeling aroused. Meditation allows us to feel more and not get caught up in our own thoughts. When we focus on "feeling" more then we may have a higher chance of orgasming quicker as opposed to letting ourselves get caught up in our heads.

Along with my yoga practice, I love to mediate. Even if its for 10 minutes a day, I always feel more serene, calm, and have more gratitude. Mediation can lead to self-love, body awareness and more attention span all of which can help you with reaching an orgasm! Although orgasms shouldn't be the end goal of sex (that is just too much pressure on a person), it sure is nice to know that meditation can help us reach them! We have already written on some yoga poses to help you have better sex, now its time for some delicious meditation to improve our sex lives!

#1 Quiet environment 

First things first. Be sure to find a comfortable and quiet spot in your home, office, gym, wherever! In order to really go inside you need space and lots of quiet. Do not rush the meditation process. Start with 10-15 minutes and gradually increase your meditation time. Sit up straight and stay comfortable by resting your bum on a folded blanket. Its difficult at first to sit still but just know that you will reap the benefits soon enough. Just like anything it takes time.

#2 Breathe

Just as in yoga, breath is important in meditation. Using breathing exercising helps you get into a more relaxed state. Focus your attention on your belly with every inhale and exhale (feel it expand and deflate as you breath). Try inhaling slowly to a count of three. Then hold your breath for a count of three at the top of your inhale. Exhale for three counts. Once you get used to this style of breathing, increase your counts and hold the breath longer. Using your breath helps keep you focused and more aware. During sex, your breath can help you feel more aware and present. When you are relaxed and your mind is settled you can more easily orgasm.


#3 Personal mantra 

If counting your breath isn't helping you relax and focus, try a mantra or a combo of both! A mantra is a sacred word or phrase that you can speak aloud or with the voice in your head. Also, try imagining a peaceful place in your mind. Focus on this calm place, and let your mind go there. Focusing on your breath, mantra or image will greatly help you in reaching your personal peace. Need help developing your mantra?  Get started with "Om" which is the classic and sacred sound of Hinduism.

#4 Clear your mind 

When your mind begins to wander, non-judgmentally push those thoughts aside without labeling them "good" or "bad" and come back to your breath count, mantra or image. Silencing your mind is the pinnacle of mediation. Meditation is a journey, so just take it all in! When thoughts do enter your mind, and they will, impartially observe them and gently push them away until silence returns.  Eventually you will be able to control your thoughts!

Meditation brings about concentration, knowledge of self, better health, and helps us stay in the present and worry less about the past and future. Think about it. During sex, if you can concentrate more, detach your mind from disruptive thoughts, and relax, orgasming is just around the corner! So start "oming" to start having that big "O"!

 Lora is our Editorial intern and resident health nut. When she is not writing, you can find her on her yoga mat, exploring Chicago via bicycle, or spending time with her wonderful boyfriend and Beagle puppy in their north side apartment. She has a habit of spending too much money on soy lattes and yoga clothes. Find her on Twitter at @HoneyNutLo or writing over at her own blog! Have any questions? Email her at Lora@GetLusty.com

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Ladies! 3 Surprising Types of Orgasms

Orgasm October has been teaching us so much already! We have already gone over six orgasms so far during this sexy month: clitoral, vaginal, mental, U-spot, A-spot and breast orgasms. We couldn't leave you hanging. So we are back with even more types of orgasms that the female body is capable of experiencing! How could we possibly have three more orgasms to share you ask? Well, ladies our bodies are that amazing and beautiful! Our Lora Swarts reports.

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#1 Skin or (zone) 

The skin orgasm can be brought about by massaging or touching parts of the body that are not directly related to the sexual nervous system (back of the neck, inside of the thigh and lower back).

Women can absolutely experience orgasm from a simple massage, or any stimulus to the skin because it brings on a relaxed state. If you aren't fully orgasming from this stimulation, don't worry! Touching is still amazing foreplay. Make it better by using a blindfold! Not knowing where his lips are headed is truly teasing and orgasmic.

Have you ever had an skin orgasm? Do leave a comment below!

#2 Anal

Women can experience orgasms from anal stimulation! According to The Journal of Sexual Medicine, women who orgasmed vaginally in their last sexual encounter was 65 percent. On the other hand, women who orgasmed from oral sex was 81% and women who orgasmed anally was 94%! Yeah, we were surprised, too. Check out the study here (pages 357-358). Maybe that's why women are more into anal than before or at least giving it a try.

For example, Marie Claire asked in 2011, "Is Anal the New Oral?" Quite possibly, yes! Dr. Jenn already given us advice on how to give better anal pleasure. But if you are totally new to anal pleasure, check out our anal sex mini-guide for couples! Don't forget about communication with anal sex (and all forms of new sexual activity). Also, we do recommend doucheing inside your anus and (rectum) for both men and women--before anal sex. Also, anal can be scary or nerve-racking for some women. So ask first, use a lubricant and go very slowly.

Do you have anal tips or tricks? Do leave them below!

#3 Oral or mouth  

Women who are sensitive orally can experience an oral or mouth orgasm. Kissing, licking, sucking, gently nibbling and even oral sex contribute to the mouth orgasm.

This type of orgasm can be described as beginning in the lips. Then, the orgasm spreads from the mouth to the genitals and then all over the body. Start with lots of foreplay! Making out is simple but can really send blood flowing to all over your body!

Have you ever had an oral orgasm? Do leave a comment below!

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Lora is our Editorial intern and resident health nut. When she is not writing, you can find her on her yoga mat, exploring Chicago via bicycle, or hanging out with her wonderful boyfriend and Beagle puppy in the north side apartment. She has a habit of spending too much money on soy lattes and yoga clothes. Find her on Twitter @HoneyNutLo. Have any questions? Get in touch with Lora at Lora@getlusty.com.

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