Tell Your Partner Who Else You Are Attracted To

No matter how much you may love your partner, it's only natural to still notice other people you find attractive. Whether it's an innocent glance or a full on stare, you'll still look at others and let your thoughts wander. On the other hand, if you catch your partner committing such an act, it is only natural to assume the worst instead of figuring that its simply an innocent check-out. Dr. Jenn offers her advice on how couples should handle this issue in which the answer is not deterrence, but acceptance.

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“You know, I thought that the person who waited on us at the restaurant last night was hot and I noticed I was attracted to them.”

How would you feel if your significant other said this to you? Would you feel insecure about yourself and freak out with jealousy? That is the likely response for many people.

We generally believe that it is not appropriate to talk with our current partner about how attracted we are to someone else. We learn that jealousy is the appropriate and justified response, since we have the romantic notion that our partner should never notice anyone else. If they do, our insecurities kick in, and we assume it means that we are not lovable enough, special enough, or good enough, and our partner might leave us. While this interpretation seems to be natural, it is not the only interpretation available.

It is natural to notice people you perceive as attractive, whether you are in a committed relationship or not. Pretending that it doesn’t happen does not make those thoughts go away. I think it is important to keep the doors of communication open around topics like this. Otherwise, when natural occurrences like this become shameful or judged, they can become more powerful. What we resist, persists.

I am not suggesting that you should share every libidinous thought with your partner. It could be difficult and downright overwhelming to hear continual commentary about who arouses your partner. I think that tact is important in building comfort in sharing around potentially sensitive topics. It is also important to learn that when your partner finds someone else attractive, it is not a reflection on you.

Why am I even recommending this at all? Because I believe people would be less likely to cheat if they established a foundation of openness and trust in the beginning of their relationship by sharing such topics. When we admit that we feel attraction to others, share this with our partner, and then choose to remain committed in our partnership, it creates a bond of trust and honesty that can bring couples emotionally closer in the long run.

Cross posted with permission from Dr. Jenn's Den.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter at  @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

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4 Workout Tips for Better Sex & Orgasms

Having a healthy body (as defined by ourselves, not others) is mind-blowingly hot. What's not to love about feeling good with yourself, inside and out? Count on being more emotionally and physically fit, not to mention being better in bed! Being healthy is one of the biggest actions to promote self love you can do. Our resident Sex Life Coach Eric Amaranth talks about getting healthy for better sex. What could be better?

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It is absolutely true that a sex life can be enjoyed regardless of the shape someone is in. My sex life coaching works for a wide range of body types. It is also true that people in better shape have certain advantages in the bedroom. This blog post will cover several of the most relevant muscle groups for both women and men plus the effect they have on your sex and orgasm quality and possibilities.

#1 Abs

This muscle group is one of the most important for men (or women on top). The abs are called on most to drive the pelvis during missionary and sideways missionary intercourse, which is still quite popular. Speeding up the rhythm of his thrust multiplies the effort required to keep up that pace.

Slow is also great, can contribute perfectly to big orgasms, and fast can make it feel like a blur of friction that isn’t as good as the details you can feel with slow. That said, fast has its place and specific advantages too. There are times when certain types of penetration must be done at a rapid rate based on the needs of his partner’s body/genitals to reach orgasm or have the best time possible. There still other situations that have nothing to do with the receiving partner’s needs and everything to do with the man expressing his overpowering desire for his partner and masculine sexual intention.

Abs also play a lesser role in many other positions because they will be recruited for most forms of thrusting. This is why I put abs workouts at the top of the list. The more crunches you can do, the more endurance you’ll have, which translates into being able to thrust rapidly for a longer period of time, which is exactly what your partner may need for a favorite type of big orgasm. Triggering certain orgasms in a given person can also require specific forms of energy-intensive stimulation. If you have what it takes to trigger it, great! If not, then that’s okay, but it’s time to get back in the gym.

My favorite way to workout my abs is with a abs machine that allows me to increase the weight over time in a precise way. After you do crunches to a certain point, curling your own body weight wont be enough for further gains. Crunches on the floor are hard on your tail bone and low back. You also wont be able to add more weight resistance to your crunches in a way that is easy to manage for the majority of people. I’ve seen my most consistent gains in my abs since using a crunches machine.

#2 Quads/thighs

This muscle group is equally important to abs for both women and men. Strong, developed thighs allow a woman to sit astride her man (or penetrating woman) and buck and grind for as long as she wants or needs to drive him or her or herself over the edge into a big-O. This is a popular position for indirect clitoral stimulation during intercourse which works nicely for those women with a clitoris sensitive enough to build up and orgasm from vaginal penetration plus indirect clitoral stimulation against her partner’s pelvis.

Even if a woman is not sensitive enough she can still use this position and combine other forms of direct clitoral stimulation with it. I have a personal attraction to women with developed thighs. I call these thighs “sex engines” because, besides looking sexy, driving a woman’s thrusts during female superior/cowgirl is one thing they’re made for. This position when done a certain way provides a unique form of stimulation to the head of the penis via her cervix.

Thighs are also important in other positions for men as well. Particularly positions with men and doing the thrusting on their knees. The usual weight training for thighs are good: squats and quad-targeting machines. On any of my weight training workouts, I follow a pattern of 10 reps at such and such weight, rest one minute, 8 at a bit higher weight, rest one minute, then a weight setting where I can do 4 to 6 reps before my muscles can lift no more. Rest for two minutes, then do 4 to 6 again. I repeat two more times and then I’m finished with that muscle group.

#3 Butt

The glutes are a big deal in sex. Practically and visually. For both genders, it’s simple: everyone loves to view and touch a partner’s toned, attractive bum. On a practical note, the glutes do join with the abs to help give locomotion to thrusting and other hip movements. This is an opportune time to mention that one of the things I learned early on was that rocking hips are not just a male form of physical sexual expression. I found that women also rock hips often as their body’s way of expressing the enjoyment of the sensations. I was taught that hip bobbing in women is often good to build arousal because it is sexual body language and will urge the mind to go into a more deeply aroused place. I suggest to women clients, as does my mentor, to experiment with different levels of hip bobbing and thrusting to see how it affects them and makes things better.

I’ve tried a number of different exercises that do work the glutes, but no exercise does it for me like a glutes machine. Not even squats. Squats can’t isolate the glutes like that machine can. I don’t see them in every gym, but look around in yours and try it out for a month or two using the workout method I described above. Because glutes are a large muscle group, you’ll see noticeable changes faster than in smaller muscle groups like the arms. Speaking of which….

#4 Arms

We all know women who love men love a pair of muscled arms. It reminds me of what men lust for in breast size and shape. The visual appeal is obvious and also the strength they can exert during sex is exciting. Specifically along these lines is going back to endurance again. The stronger the arms, the more endurance they have to do manual sexual skill sets (using your hands and things held by your hands) that require higher energy output for a given partner whose sex organs need more speed and power to best facilitate specific types of intense orgasms. Not running out of juice right as she’s rising up to climax was a good reason for me to get into curls and tricep work.

I like doing standing dumbell curls for my biceps and standing cable pulldowns for my triceps. Done with the same format as above. My decision to target first the specific muscle groups that serve me best in sex turned out to be a very good idea. Two more things:

1. Google workouts to increase breast size. You won’t increase the breast tissue volume, but a bit more prominence of the pecs will improve the overall look.

2. I prefer sprints and resting for a minute or two on the treadmill to long-distance running for cardiovascular exercise. That said, throwing some cardio in there is really good for stamina during intercourse.

Check out the original post at Sex Life Coach NYC.

Eric Amaranth is a sex life coach, working in NYC and globally via video conference, who specializes in women’s and men’s sexuality, basic to advanced sex skills, and high-end sex education. Individuals and couples are guided toward the relationship, intimacy, and sexual enjoyment goals they desire most.

Amaranth believes that for the majority of people, appreciation of ourselves and our romantic partners is one of the best sustainable resources we have to continuously renew attraction, maintain respect, and stay in love with our partners. This bedrock of deep appreciation is founded and reinforced by the combination of loving relationship skills with breathtaking sexual skills. Follow him on Twitter @Eric_Amaranth.

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3 Ways to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

As we've seen, communicating about sex (think: sexual gratitude, integrating communication into sex or sexual negotiation 101) can really enhance your experience. We all have it. Now how about talking about it? Our favorite sex sexologists and relationship conseling couple, the 'Love Birds' Chuck and Jo Ann, are back talking about--talking about sex!

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In our culture, sex is something we think about often but rarely actually talk about. According to a recent Ohio State University study, men think about sex about 18 times each day, while women think about sex 10 times a day. What the study didn’t indicate, however, was how many times couples — who between them think about sex 28 times every day — actually talk about sex with each other.

Our culture uses sex to sell cars, beer, snack foods and even household cleaners, when sex should actually be used to bring our relationships closer and heighten our intimacy and enjoyment of our relationships. No, really. Don’t believe me? Watch a romantic comedy film. Any romantic comedy. Here’s what you’ll see:

Boy meets girl (usually Jennifer Aniston). Boy gets girl. Boy has massive misunderstanding with girl because they communicate like they’re talking on cell phones with spotty signals. Boy’s deadbeat, drunken, loser best friend concocts stupid plan to reunite boy with girl. All hell breaks loose. Boy gets girl despite various stupid human tricks because — wait for it — he talks to her honestly. The end.

So, let’s get over it and look at some ideas on what we all need to do in order to talk openly with our partners about sex:

#1 Expand your vocabulary

Words are a really key part of communication. The problem is that there are some words used in discussions about sex that aren’t really good “out-loud” words, and many of us never learned how to use them properly outside of when we yell at drivers who cut us off on the highway. If you’re going to really talk about what you want, you need to use all the words that both you and your partner understand. Pointing and gesturing isn’t enough.

#2 Don't traumatize your partner

Many times when people aren’t getting what they want out of sex, they focus on the things they don’t like about their partner’s style or actions. That’s never a good place to start. Instead, begin with the things you like, and accentuate the positive. “I like it when you do this. I’d like it if you did that more, and maybe you could add doing that and the other thing, too.” It’s better to gently guide your partner, instead of making demands. Laying in bed with your partner as they make love to you while flipping through the cable channels and mumbling, “No, a little to the left. No.. not there yet. Softer? No teeth! I’m not a chew toy. I wonder who’s on Leno tonight?!” is probably not going to get you what you want, and it may leave your partner traumatized. Work from the things they do right and you’ll be able to eliminate the things they don’t do right with a lot more ease and without hurting their feelings.

#3 Set the mood

When you want to talk about sex, don’t do it as you’re cooking dinner, with the kids chasing the dog around the house. Use your quiet, private time together for that conversation. Kill the lights, light some candles, and make sure you do it early enough that neither of you are too tired from the day to talk and then try out some of the things you’ve talked about. You’ll get much better results that way.

Talking about sex is not the easiest thing to do, but remember you can change things, if you’re willing to make the extra effort.

Sincerely,
Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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5 Reasons Couples Seek Sex Therapy

At GetLusty for Couples, we understand the importance of therapy. Whether you're using it individually or as a couple, therapy (including sex therapy) can improve your relationship by leaps and bounds. We know--we've used therapy. Why might you use sex therapy? Our favorite LA Sex Therapist, Moushumi Ghose, is here to answer just that.

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Sex therapy is a specialized form of psychotherapy and often times a very core and central part of couples therapy. Sex is intrinsically woven into our relationships so it only makes sense that it couples, or individuals within intimate relationships are highly likely to seek out sex therapy to address their relationship, love and intimacy concerns. Sex therapy is a great arena for couples to develop an intimate language that works for them that also allows for growth.

Unfortunately, too often couples seek out sex therapy once there is already a big problem. The reason the couple is seeking therapy is generally because there is some unbalance, a discrepancy in what either partner wants and the two individuals are having a hard time coming to and agreeing on a middle ground. Since differences are a normal occurrence in relationships, acceptance, understanding and communication are other common threads, which are addressed in couples therapy to help bridge the gap.

There is also quite often blame in this imbalance, a tendency to point the finger and make one person the “bad guy” or the fault holder of the relationship. There are a few common things I see in my office, why couples seek out sex therapy.

One of the goals of sex therapy is to undo the finger pointing, recognize there is no “normal” or “expected” outcome for the way either partner “should” or “should not” be when it comes to sexuality.

Here are 5 common issues I see and how sex therapy may be beneficial in treating these issues.

#1 My wife, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner wants sex more (or less) than I do.

The disparaging sexual desire levels is probably the single most biggest reason couples come in for sex therapy. Sex therapy can help the couple to remember or recognize there is no “normal” amount couples are supposed to have sex. Couples can also become aware of, comfortable with their sexuality, what turns them off, what turns them off, developing a language in which to communicate sexually with each other. Another important facet sex therapy can help with is to uncover any issues, which may be preventing either partner from being sexually open with their partner, or breaking down the relationship resulting in lack of sex, such as lack of trust, anger, depression, body image, stress, and so forth. Communication on how to negotiate a common ground is also a big focus.

#2 I just don't get turned on by my partner anymore. I can no longer orgasm. I just don't feel very sexual.

The theme here is the loss of desire towards a long-term partner. Sex therapy can help couples to recognize their own sexuality levels, that arousal ebbs and flows, particularly in long-term relationships. Sex therapy can help couples connect in new ways, when old ways have lost their excitement.

#3 My partner is a swinger, is polyamorous, wants an open relationship, or a three some and I don't know how I feel about this.

Dissonance between lifestyle choices, needs and desires is a very common reason for people to enter into my office. Sex therapy can help couples address misconceptions or ideas they have about lifestyles. Couples can begin to understand what is comfortable from them and learn to negotiate a common ground.

#4 I fantasize about [insert personal fetish here: men, women, being raped, large cocks] and cannot share this with my partner.

Shame is a big part of what couples can work through in sex therapy. Sex therapy is a great place to get a corrective emotional experience towards our fetishes, our fantasies, desires, and develop a language to express our sexual desires. Sex therapy can help with learning to accept often more taboo subjects such as masturbation as well.

#5 My partner spends too much time watching porn.

This is becoming more and more common in sex therapy. Sex therapy can help couples understand if a certain behavior is within normal practice, as much of porn watching can be or if it is something that might be more compulsive or obsessive in the case of a porn addiction. Addiction is highly subjective as well, so helping the couples decide what is acceptable and what is not acceptable are key points they can address in sex therapy.

All in all, there are a gamut of reasons couples may want to enter into sex therapy. I highly encourage couples to enter into sex therapy as a form of premarital counseling as well. One doesn’t need to have a specific issue in order to develop effective ways of discussing the more intimate aspects of your relationship. After all, sex and relationships is not something that necessarily comes with a handbook, so why not get the tools ahead of time, before it’s too late?

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral  Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Moushumi also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @MoushumiAmour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Questions for Moushumi or another professional across our network? Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

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What is Intimacy, Anyway?

Intimacy is many times thought of as something purely sexual. However, the biggest sexual organ is the brain. So what is intimacy, really? And often, women can't come they aren't engaging their biggest sex organ--their brain. Why is intimacy important to relationships? What is intimacy, anyway? This post answers these two questions. What is intimacy? And why is it important in your romantic relationship? Our Chief Lust Officer, Erica Grigg reports.

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What is intimacy?

At its core, this blog defines intimacy as a loving relationship between two (or more) individuals. While we won't talk too frequently about polyamorous intimacy, many of the same issues arise (esp. trust, happiness and overall emotional health). For me, intimacy is about a romantic love that centers around the need for a human connection. For GetLusty for Couples, we categorize into four sections (based on the Wikipedia example below).

From Dictionary.com, the definition of intimacy goes like this:

1. A close, familiar, and usually affectionate or loving personal relationship with another person or group.
2. A close association with or detailed knowledge or deep understanding of a place, subject, period of history, etc.: an intimacy with Japan.
3. An act or expression serving as a token of familiarity, affection, or the like: to allow the intimacy of using first names.

Wikipedia has a slightly varied definition of intimacy. They cover many different areas, but to sum it up, they cover the four major areas of intimacy below.

Scholars have defined generally four kinds of intimacy:

• Emotional
• Physical (sex)
• Cognitive/intellectual (sharing thoughts and ideas, enjoy similarities and differences)
• Experiential (sharing similar activities, likely without talking)

Where did the definition come from?

Again from the Wikipedia article above. In anthropological research, intimacy is considered the product of a successful seduction, a process of rapport building that enables parties to confidently disclose previously hidden thoughts and feelings. Intimate conversations become the basis for "confidences" (secret knowledge) that bind people together.

We hope you'll consider why intimacy is such an essential component of love and romance in your life. GetLusty for Couples hopes to inspire and educate on how to have more intimacy, love and overall a better relationship!

This is post by Erica Grigg, our Founder and Chief Lust Officer. She's a writer, marketer, social entrepreneur and sex geek. She wants to end boring sex. If you don't see Erica riding around downtown, Chicago in her beach cruiser or at a diner with her adoring husband, you see her chatting up the tech community about the importance of sex and love in marriage. Follow Erica on Twitter @ericagrigg or subscribe via Facebook and Google+.

Want to connect about business partnership with a woman-run business that cares? E-mail me directly at erica@getlusty.com.

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7 Ways to Use Breathing to Improve Sex

Using breathing tactics isn't just for childbirth. Using different breathing techniques can heighten sexual awareness and improve your overall experience. Our resident sensual (and especially tantra) knowledgeable couple, Drs. Janelle and Rob, are back (they first talked about sensual sex). They're very passionate and well-versed in tantra, so we're especially glad to hear from them how couples can utilize their tips for better sex! Read on. 

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In the early stages of your relationship, you may very likely have experienced moments when at the touch of your partner your breath hitched, your heart sped up and the next thing you knew your breath caught up with your heart rate and came fast and heavy. Yet, have you considered just how important breath is to your intimate life with your lover?

Breath is not just about supplying your body with oxygen. It is far more than that. In fact, using your breath in different ways can enhance your sex life. You can heighten your experience, prolong orgasm, and even pierce the veil between the physical and spiritual dimensions. Keep reading to uncover 7 different ways to magnify and expand upon your lovemaking.

#1 Breathe on your lover

This may be the most obvious way to enhance your intimate play. Use your breath to breathe on your sweetie’s skin. Blow sweet caresses on his/her neck, chest, stomach, palms, inside of the wrists, and ears. Of course, it is also very potent to gently blow warm breaths onto his/her genitals. Don’t overlook placing your lips against the clothing and blowing warm puffs of breath through his/her clothing. This can be very exciting and those clothes may come flying off.

#2 Fan the flame

When you are trying to start a fire what often happens? You need to fan the spark and turn it into a roaring fire. Right? That spark needs oxygen to turn into a hot flame. As you are flirting with and playing with and loving on your partner visualize this. Imagine leaning towards that little spark and gently blowing until it turns into a raging inferno. In fact, you can do this visualization prior to touching your lover or prior to even being in the same location as he/she. Imagination is very powerful and with practice it can light your flame.

#3 Set the rhythm

Your breathing can control your heart rate and ultimately control the pace of your lovemaking. When you slow down your breathing you can slow down your experience. Yet, beware that slowing down your breathing too much can also cause you to lose your sexual desire. So, only slow down your breathing enough to prolong your lovemaking. Taking deep, slow breaths will allow more blood to flow into the genitals and this will enable the penis to swell more as well as the clitoris. This increase in blood flow will help you experience more sensation in the genitals.

#4 Orgasmic breath 

Think about it a minute. At the point of orgasm, you probably hold your breath. Most people do. What if you tried to breathe during your orgasm and at climax? This takes practice, but one suggestion is to release your breath with a vocal “oooohhh”. Another sound you can practice releasing at that point is “ooooommmm”. The “om” is more of a vibration than a word. This can vibrate throughout your entire body and your partner’s. Is there really a need for explanation of the impact of a vibration radiating throughout your bodies during orgasm? ;-)

#5 Deepen your bond with tandem breath

Breathing together in tandem can deepen your bond as well as get you in harmony with one another. Sitting facing one another get close enough so that your knees are touching.

You may also sit in the yab yum position (one partner sits cross-legged while the other partner sits facing him/her on his/her lap and wraps his/her legs around the bottom partner). Become aware of your breath. Then focus on inhaling and exhaling at the same time as your lover. You can do this fully clothed and out of bed or to heighten the experience you can sit in yab yum naked and in bed.

#6 Channel energy

Breathing moves energy through your body. As you become aware of your breathing you will become aware of your entire body and the sensations that flow from head to toe and back again. Breathe in deeply pulling energy into your root chakra (located at the base of your spine between the coccyx and pelvic bone) from the Earth. Hold that new energy there and focus on the spinning of that chakra. After a few breaths, move this energy up to the sacral chakra (located just below the navel) as you inhale. Again, focus on spinning that chakra with this increased energy. As you come together with your lover envision your root and sacral chakras blending your energies. This is the beginning of heightening the sexual energetic flow in your body.

#7 Use breath for visualization

Instead of thinking of breathing as taking in oxygen imagine you are breathing in your partner’s love for you and exhaling your love for him/her. Breath or “prana” in Sanskrit is considered to be the life force and is concentrated along the seven main chakras. So, visualize your partner’s breath as life giving love for you and your breath as life giving love for him/her. Become aware of the two of you sharing, blending and exchanging breath integrating your minds, your bodies and your souls.

We're so excited to get a couple writing for GetLusty! They're both adorable, smart and altogether wonderful!

Dr. Janelle Alex, Ph.D. and Rob Alex, M.Sc. are writers, counselors as well as Sacred and Sensual Teachers. They recently completed an eBook on "Sexy Challenges: Sacred and Sensual Experiences for Lovers" which is on sale at Amazon! Learn more about them on Inward Oasis.

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Carol Queen Opens Up on Sex & Sexuality

Here at GetLusty, we love talking to experts. From sexologists to therapists and in between. Well, Carol is way past that. Here, we call Carol, "The Queen of Sex Ed." She's been involved in sex education since the 1970s.

Today, Carol dishes out some of the best things she's encountered. We caught up with this busy lady and asked her a few questions of her most interesting moments of recent. Check out several of the questions GetLusty's Erica Grigg asked in our GetLusty interview below.

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How did you get into sex education?

The pretty short answer is, I have been a member of the LGBT community since the 1970s (I'm bisexual). Back in the day, college gay groups would do panels and lectures to give non-biased information about these issues. I liked doing those, and then just a few years later I was doing many more, in the context of the HIV/AIDS epidemic. That's when I realized sex education was both a calling for me, and a possible profession. I moved to San Francisco and started working on my PhD in sexology at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, as well as volunteering with San Francisco Sex Information, a non-profit sex ed hotline which trained its volunteers extensively--I was its co-training coordinator for a while.

Around that time I met Joani Blank, founder of Good Vibrations. She hired me to work one day a week in the store, but when they found out I was training in sexology I was asked to create GV's Continuing Education program. The full range of our ed programming grew out of this (except the classes aimed at the public -- we were already doing those), and when I got my doctorate, my job title changed to "Staff Sexologist" -- to our knowledge, we were the first adult company to have a trained sexologist on staff. Now my job involves overseeing our educational programming, supporting frontline staff who get tough or unusual sex questions from customers, representing the business to the press and public, and answering customer questions, which I do here.

Subsequently my partner Robert and I, who had been doing classes together in SF and all around the country, created a nonprofit, the Center for Sex & Culture, to host such classes and other events such as community organizations' meetings, cultural events about sex, etc. We also have a library and archive plus a gallery. More info about that at Sex & Culture -- there are class and event listings, plus more about the non-profit, and "donate here" button, etc.

Would you call yourself the 'queen of sex ed' (because we're thinking that'd be an apt title for you)?

That's cute! While it's not my own moniker for myself, I'm good with it.

What's the most interesting story you have of a couple coming to you with sexual issues?

What comes to mind is a GV customer who reached out to me with a thorny issue in his marriage. His wife, an attorney, had semi-recently had their first child; the child's first birthday was looming soon, and she had not been open to having sex with her husband since before the birth. I asked him whether this was a huge change from an enthusiastic sex partner (prior to her pregnancy) and he said no, not really, she was always fairly lukewarm and perhaps somewhat uncomfortable about sex.

Many elements of this story are not too uncommon, either: Our Mommy Playdates attract young moms, some of whom really struggle with "getting back in the saddle" after having babies. And of course there are plenty of women who have never (so far!) discovered the key to loving sex; those women don't all stay single, though, and this can be a thorny issue in a relationship.

What did you recommend for them?

Well, every couple has two participants, of course. And in a situation like this, each has to understand their perspective and what they bring to the situation. To (hopefully) help this couple, there were a number of elements I had to bring up. The first was explaining to the husband that pressure or wheedling would never work; gently educating him that her lack of comfort about sex would be something he'd have to be understanding and supportive around, or she'd have NO incentive to change. Finally, advising that she be frank with her doctor about the post-partum elements (I didn't think that was the main problem, but it could certainly have been exacerbated by hormonal changes, and any precipitous drop in sexual interest could be a symptom of a medical problem).

Plus there was her original lukewarm feeling about sex; was she without correct sex education and unable to understand (and convey to her husband) they way her arousal worked? Had she perhaps been abused or had other negative sexual experiences, including growing up in a household where sex was represented as shameful? Was she non-orgasmic? I recommended a number of books for her. In a situation like this, she really must take some responsibility. While I don't believe that it is in any way the role of a wife to please her husband, a marriage without sex is not appropriate unless both partners want that or unless the issues involved are spelled out. If she has no interest in ever changing her relationship to sexuality, he deserves to know this. I also recommended they see a sex therapist, if she would go.

What's the most interesting thing you've learned about sex lately?

Just two weeks ago I was at a great conference at Widener University in PA -- it has one of the most substantial sex ed professional programs anywhere, and the conference was specifically for those who are interested in sex education as a career. I was there to keynote it, which was a real honor, especially because one of the biggest stars in sexology was present, Beverly Whipple. She is the professional and most associated with information about the G-spot; she has continued to research it and stays in touch with others who also do such research. It is finally being officially regarded as "the female prostate," and her update was that actual G-spot ejaculation is not super-copious and that when G-spot ejaculators gush a lot of fluid and make a huge wet spot, that fluid is now thought to be very dilute urine. It's not yet understood just how the urine, in a situation of arousal like this, becomes so dilute; there is still much to learn about this part of our anatomy.

What's your favorite book around sex education?

I have so many faves! I really can't pick just one, at least not for long, since great new books keep coming out. I think my current favorite book is Jaclyn Friedman's What You Really, Really Want. It's about limits and desires, really an excellent way for (especially) young women (but really everyone) to think about integrating sexuality in a healthy and fulfilling way into their lives. I love this book! It's one of the ones I recommended to the low-desire wife I mentioned above. Your readers might also be interested in the recommended book lists I've compiled both for my own website and on the Good Vibes site.

What are you most looking forward to over the next year?

I have a fantastic working trip planned for next spring; will go to South By Southwest in Austin, TX (my first time there!) to do a panel about the history of sex in technology, followed by a trip to CatalystCon East -- Catalyst is one of my very favorite sex conferences (here's a list that includes it plus some others). I travel two or three times a year to sexuality-related events, and it's one of my favorite ways to take the pulse of community interests and discussions about sexual topics.

Plus, I have a new book I'm getting started on! Not sure how soon it will come to fruition, but its working title is The Elements of Sex-Positivity.

More about Carol Queen:

Carol Queen is a writer, educator, activist with a doctorate in Sexology and an organizer in the GLBTQ community with some of the first youth-oriented approaches. She publishes a regular sex and relationship column on Good Vibes.

She is an owner/worker at the Good Vibrations toy and book emporium and The Center for Sexuality and Culture where she provides training and educational workshops for the staff and public. Her list of books can be found here and more information on Carol Queen can be found on her website CarolQueen.com. Follow Carol on Twitter @carolqueen and 'Like' her on Facebook.

In 1975, Carol helped found GAYouth (one of the first groups for underage Gays and Lesbians in the nation) in Eugene, Oregon. She served as director of the Gay and Lesbian student union at my university later in that decade and was on the steering committee of Eugene Citizens for Human Rights, founded to preserve gay rights which were under attack from right-wing forces. In 1988, she was director of education at the community-based AIDS education and support project in Eugene. Her training (after graduating with a major in sociology, a Phi Beta Kappa, and a stint in graduate school) comes from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco's graduate school of sexology - and, of course, from the school of life.

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Camille Crimson on How To Receive A Blowjob Respectfully (NSFW)

Is there a way to receive head respectfully? Our favorite blowjob guru, Camille Crimson, offers her expertise. Camille already recommended ladies (or gents) to give good head (and even given her best blowjob recommendations). Camille is here to give men advice on how to make it clear to your partner that you would love a blowjob, while still remaining a respectful and caring lover. We all love blowjobs, guys, and this article offers great tips on how you and your partner can use blowjobs to show (and accept) the love between you and your partner.

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I spend my days focused on blowjobs. Really. I shoot blowjob videos with my long-term partner to be featured on our two fellatio-oriented sites—The Art of Blowjob and Slow Motion Blowjob. I write a tremendous amount about my experience as a feminist making (blowjob) porn and I wind up giving a lot of advice about the ins and outs of blowjobs. You’d be hard-pressed to find someone who spends more time thinking about the oral arts. 


Of course, I spend a good chunk of time thinking about how much I enjoy them and how to best share that with the world but, as with anyone who puts that kind of complex and personal content into the world, I also get a tremendous amount of response to what I do. Time and time again, I encounter men who just want to reconcile their good guy-dom with enjoying getting a blowjob, and why shouldn’t they?

There are a tremendous amount of unpleasant blowjob tropes out there in the porn world. That was a huge reason for me to focus on the niche. It’s surprisingly hard to find a video of a woman really enjoying herself while giving a blowjob without using sensationalistic and not necessarily sex-positive wording. Mostly it’s a lot of gagging and choking or just phoning it in. There isn’t anything wrong with that per say, especially when framed in a clearly consensual context, but it’s certainly not the ideal experience for a lot of men or women and yet it’s the dominant portrayal of a pretty common sex act.



The reason I bring this up is because it colors a lot of the thoughts one has when thinking about blowjobs. While he can easily surmise, whether through personal experience or intimation, that it feels pretty amazing to have someone’s mouth on his penis, the idea can also conjure up fear of seeming inherently disrespectful or having a partner who isn’t really into it. I feel like the best way to ward off these feelings is to look at the way you ask for what you want. It goes without saying that you should avoid coercive statements, but you should also be able to explain what it is that makes a blowjob important to you.

I know that sounds a bit like an essay question, but the more you can honestly communicate what feels good for you in a way that is sexy and direct, the more people will be inclined to be both personally invested and turned-on by the prospect. There is also concern stemming from the notion that blowjobs are a one-way sex act and that many people feel that’s a bad thing.

I tend to respond to these concerns in two equally important ways: first, that many people find giving pleasure very arousing and second, that there are lots of ways to give back. People often assume that the typical protocol is oral sex for oral sex, but that creates assumptions about what your partner may want. Whether it’s a new flame or someone you know very well, asking what makes them feel good yields some very useful information and shows that you care about actually making them feel good instead of just adhering to a sexual script.

When it comes to longer term relationships, sometimes it’s hard to ask for a blowjob, especially if your partner has become less sexual over the years. This is where things get more delicate. It’s important to keep in mind that routines aren’t easily broken and patterns don’t shift overnight, but having ongoing respectful talks about ways to feel more fulfilled in your relationship in general will open up the floor to discuss sexual issues, including blowjobs. Sometimes doctors or therapists can help with larger hormonal or emotional issues, but it does all start with a commitment from both sides to be open-minded and understanding in an effort to find common ground.

Another thing that feels like a huge deal is when you want a rougher blowjob. Just as coming out about any kink, it’s hard to rationalize these desires to yourself, let alone anybody else. The best thing you can do is to contextualize the desire as sexual, be amenable to starting out with just a little experimentation, be aware that this may not be a frequent occurrence and spend time working out safety together as a team. If you are a respectful person and you go out of your way to make that clear, fantasy can be fun and most people are open to trying it with the right framing. You may not get everything you want at the beginning, and being accepting of that is a big part of being a good guy about getting a blowjob. Some people will gladly jump right in, and you can take this with a grain of salt, but that’s not everyone’s natural inclination. If you find yourself with someone who is having a harder time with it, try to understand and be patient. Not everything comes easily, but it’s certainly worth the wait.



Above all else, make your partner feel sexy and wanted. This isn’t just about you getting a sensation you like, it’s about wanting that sensation from them. Being genuinely happy to be with them and excited to be giving as well is so sexy, and it’s valuable in and of itself. All of this builds upon itself, creating a relationship where passion can grow, people feel safe and you’re both encouraged to explore.

Cross-posted with permission from the Good Men Project (originally posted there).

Camille Crimson specializes in sexuality, feminism, oral sex, and creating and marketing beautiful porn. Her websites The Art of the Blowjob and Slow Motion Blowjob are full of exquisite photo and video shoots that showcase "the subversive yet natural subject we all love: sex". On top of being a versatile business woman, Camille plays guitar, loves horror movies, and has recently gotten into motorcycles. Follow Camille on Twitter @CamilleCrimson.

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The Importance of Safewords

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Couples Negotiation 101

You'd be surprised, but arguing can be the difference between a good and great relationship. Don't fight occasionally? Be scared. Good communication is about negotiation. And many times these will get heated. Being a couple involves conversations that sometimes get heated. It's part of human nature. But these arguments can turn negative--quick. Luckily, Chuck and JoAnn Bird are here to talk about how to get positive things out of relationship disputes.

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Saying that communication is the key to a healthy relationship is like saying that an engine is a relatively important part of your car. It really shouldn’t need to be said, anymore.

Yet, knowing that and acting on it are two different experiences. If communicating well was such an easy thing for couples, then why do so many couples have trouble doing it?

The truth is that speaking from the heart is one of the most difficult things we do. When we have disagreements with the ones we love, it can lead to very emotional conversations and arguments. Of course, we are only upset because we care and it matters to us how our loved ones feel. Nonetheless, it is easy to get caught up in strong emotions and actually fail to communicate our needs in a way that will generate a positive response from our partners.

That’s why we recommend to our patients learning an important skill: negotiation.

To negotiate means to discuss something in order to reach an agreement, confer. Whether you knew it or not, you probably use negotiation skills on a daily basis. However, these skills become especially important when you are in a relationship that you want to thrive. Here are some basic negotiation skills that you can start using today:

First, go into the discussion with the mind set of making it a “win/win”, instead of trying to convince your partner to give in to what you want. Remember, you’re a team. Thus, when one person loses, the whole team loses.

• Be clear and state what you want.
• Focus your request on behavior changes.
• Try not to immediately say “No.” Instead, make a counter offer.
• Be willing and open to compromise. This means both of you must be willing to surrender something you want.
• Continue until you reach an agreement with which you both feel comfortable.
• Honor the agreement.

Here’s how it sounds when we do it poorly and when we do it right:

Not using negotiation:

Husband: “I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”

Wife: “FINE! You ALWAYS want to spend more time with them anyway!”

Using basic negotiation:

Husband: ”I want to go out with my friends on Friday nights.”

Wife: “I want to spend time with you on Friday nights. Instead of every Friday, how about you go out with your friends one Friday night a month?”

Husband: “I want to spend time with you too, but I also like to spend time with my friends. How about I go out with them every other Friday night?"

Wife: “Okay, just as long as we spend quality time together on our Friday nights.”

The difference in those two examples is the tone and the manner in which the disagreement was addressed. The first example showed someone who wanted to communicate a disagreement with her partner’s plan to go out, but it was all emotion with no path to a solution. The second example showed she could still communicate the same disagreement, but in a way that promoted a compromise that ended with a positive outcome. He is able to spend some time with his friends, while she secured the quality time that she wanted with her husband.

All this skill requires is the ability to step back and think for a moment before you respond. It’s perfectly natural to feel strong emotions with regard to your partner. However, by communicating your viewpoint the right way, you can actually convey how you feel in a way that can lead to solving the dispute instead of it escalating into a bigger one.

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Why Talk About Commitment

We always learn from JacoPhillip Crous, our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships. He is full of so much wisdom and advice when it comes to bettering our own long-term relationships through communication. Getting to know your partner's wants, needs and desires through effective communication and feedback improves our relationships. Communication and commitment are extremely important and having a consensual, committed relationship will not only lead to a healthier love life but you will also have a firm foundation to let your relationship grow.

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Actively communicate

Communication is the buzz word for most relationship counseling, whether it comes from your BFF or your very expensive couples therapist.  The language of love, sex, and relationships is always changing.  It is important to recognize that "communication" is not just a catch all word for making your relationship better. Communication is a means for people to address wants, needs and issues so we can be happier in our exploration of our selves.

Often times, one or both halves of a couple will decide they want to experience something new or to try something different. The problem is, what “new” or “different” means to one person may bear little or no resemblance to what it means to the next.  Even if you have developed your own couple’s-telepathy, lovers still need to actively communicate dialogue with feedback and explanation of meaning or emotion.

For example, when one person gets around to using the word "new" in a relationship, to the speaker “new” means something that they have probably thought of for a while, but haven't had the ability to express it to the other person.  The listener or recipient of the message may find the actual idea “new” because, until now they have probably not thought of it at all before or the couple hasn't spoken of the thought previously. For another couple, "new" can mean something that both the speaker and recipient have been thinking about, but neither partner had the means to articulate and initiate the conversation.  My advice is to explore your foundations of communication and commitment before adding the "new" or "different."

Understand where you and your partner are coming from

In a committed relationship, there are many aspects of communication that have to be addressed so that both partners can understand each other.  If either party doesn't understand their own needs, wants, and desires, holding a conversation about adding a new idea will be difficult.  Either party may not realize what they are consenting to or what is expected of them.  To use a metaphor, you have a very detailed treasure map for the island, but if you don't know where the island is located you won't get very far.  Understanding where both you and your partner are coming from is essential in communicating your ideas to each other.

So how do you figure out what you want, what you may get, what is wanted of you, and what you would consent to give?  Let's try to acknowledge that some of the psychobabble and self help literature doesn't give you straight up answers, again it gets lumped in with the word communication as if we inherently understand what that entails.

What is Alpha communication?

Alpha communication is a trusting communication motivated by care for one another. This is based on both partners being honest, real, and transparent with one another about your needs, wants, and desires to benefit your consensual commitment to each other. For some couples, this conversation is the proverbial deal breaker for the relationship; to what depths/heights of commitment are the two of you willing to consent to now. The relationship doesn’t need to accommodate any specific changes in the moment, but there must be consensus on the commitment capacity of your relationship.  Then you can start to add new strategies and approaches to be able to understand what each other is trying to say.

What are Alpha topics?

Consent to what are “Alpha-topics” for your particular partnership needs to be acknowledged and communicated clearly, here in the Alpha-conversation. This consent to your commitment is necessary if consensus is to be achieved in future communication on how such topics can be addressed and made practicable.  Consider this a framework for understanding the other person and where they are coming from.  It is like a foundation to a house being built.  Many of you probably have already spoken about some of these topics: ideas and feelings on marriage, children, religion, respect, lifestyle, and finances among other fundamental values.  Once you have expressed your concepts on these points and your belief structures, your partnership has a basis for understanding how to evolve and change through active communication.

If you’re not talking about the things that actually make partnership consensus and consensual commitment, you may as well consign your relationship commitment to an individual monologue.  Your message recipient will not understand nor be willing to actively listen.  There are an infinite number of websites and self help books out there that will tell you communication is key, but very few that explain how to get there.  Starting with these main ideologies and determining what "language" you and your partner are speaking will help guide the conversation and communication actively.

Relationships that dissolve supposedly because of “unrealistic expectations” in regards to Alpha topics such as the ones mentioned above, actually may have come apart anyway.  Getting real – honest and transparent – about consensual and commitment expectations in Alpha conversations may only accelerate dissolution because any impurities (dishonesty and nondisclosure) and flaws (insecurity and lack of transparency) that might be allowed to persist in your relationship, will only become more pronounced as you add more misunderstanding to the mix by adding secondary or new conversations.

For many other couples, Alpha conversation will only deepen and enrich the consensual relationship commitment you already have and enjoy. I am not saying saying it will always be smooth going, but knowing what you each want to maintain and what to develop in your relationship as you move forward will give you solid ground to stand on when things feel shaky.  Even a little bit of time spent on self-examination here will help down the road when challenges come up. By confirming a consensual partnership foundation in Alpha conversation, and making sure you’re on the same page about the relationship, you’ll have smoother Beta (secondary) conversations leading to a more satisfying partnership and easier communication.

Regardless of your partnership, gay/straight, open/poly/monogamous, various power dynamic structures, clarifying your message and giving feedback to your partner based on an understanding of their communication style and language will assist in a healthier relationship.  We can all empower ourselves with the variety of information on communication via the Internet or knowledgeable professionals. But being able to assimilate and use that information appropriately is the difference between successful communication and eventually giving up and walking out the door.

Relationship example

Malcolm, 28, and Dean, 29, are a couple that has been in a relationship for the past three years.  Dean was committed to Malcolm yet felt that the traditional/straight model of monogamy as the marker for loyalty, commitment and fidelity didn’t match his experience. He wanted to be a cock-tease; able to flirt under his lover’s supervision, and sometimes, with the consent of Malcolm, bring such spoils home for both of them to share in.

Malcolm was somewhat open to this idea, but worried that Dean wasn’t really committed to him and was just using something “new” and “different” as a way to avoid commitment. Before encouraging them to explore “new” and “different” with anyone else, I spent some months with them helping the couple sort out how they felt about their own relationship as it stood, and what it meant in the life of each man in the here and now.  Forming a foundation for consensual commitment and understanding helped confirm the couple's relationship and gave them a basis for making the additional changes for a happier, healthier commitment to each other.

Each partner in Malcolm and Dean's relationship had to determine what the term "commitment" meant to himself.  Both examined how committed to the other he was and what level of commitment each had for the other.  They determined if they were in the "pre-commitment" stage of the conversation where they determined if they were in a long-term relationship, somewhere in the middle, or had something else completely.  To be on the same page to communicate effectively, Malcolm and Dean examined their own beliefs in the Alpha-conversation and had to be honest about what their need, wants, and desires were.

Ask yourself questions

Alpha conversation opens up a steady flow of considerations for you and your lover.  Communication starts with self-examination and understanding of where we are coming from and where our partners are coming from.  Some other questions we should ask ourselves when looking for effective communication in a relationship are:  What else is going on in our life? Do you have space and time to devote to exploring consensual commitment and sexual development in your relationship? How much time and energy are we willing to put into this exploration? How will we handle different levels of resources, energy, attention, etc. practicably, as a couple?

Do you have the self-knowledge and communication skills to keep your existing relationship (the romance and the friendship) healthy and thriving? Can you anticipate some of the challenges that might emerge ahead of time? Where do you see room for yourself to grow?

Do I know what makes my partner feel happy, secure and loved? Am I willing to put extra attention on nurturing my existing relationship even as I make my way through the world? Where do I want to be sure to put that extra attention? Do I know what makes me feel happy, secure and loved? Am I willing to put extra effort into self-care and self-discovery? What opportunities do I see for myself here?

This understanding of what a good foundation for communication of our commitment to our relationships, will be further explored in a later GetLusty article.  My goal here is to help our readers get the most lust, sexy, satisfying, healthy relationship by offering tools for understanding each other and learning to be on the same page in our communications.  My last word of advice...in all of our endeavors, do It well; do It safe. And GetLusty!

He studies and writes about men and masculinity in MSM relationships, and gay couples getting lusty is JacoPhillip’s cup of tea. Our resident advisor on gay long-term relationships, JacoPhillip Crous is also known as Jacsman. A sex life educator, Jacsman consults in-person, on Skype, and by telephonic private sessions with couples and solo clients on ecstatic and intimate psycho-sexual lifestyle and development.

Jacsman promotes male2male dialogue that furthers understanding of masculine sexuality and MSM relationships. A research psychologist, he explores and investigates male psycho-sexual self-development phenomena, behaviours, experiences and knowledgeability. Find out more about JacoPhillip at: http://about.me/Jacsman.

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