3 Ways to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

As we've seen, communicating about sex (think: sexual gratitude, integrating communication into sex or sexual negotiation 101) can really enhance your experience. We all have it. Now how about talking about it? Our favorite sex sexologists and relationship conseling couple, the 'Love Birds' Chuck and Jo Ann, are back talking about--talking about sex!

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In our culture, sex is something we think about often but rarely actually talk about. According to a recent Ohio State University study, men think about sex about 18 times each day, while women think about sex 10 times a day. What the study didn’t indicate, however, was how many times couples — who between them think about sex 28 times every day — actually talk about sex with each other.

Our culture uses sex to sell cars, beer, snack foods and even household cleaners, when sex should actually be used to bring our relationships closer and heighten our intimacy and enjoyment of our relationships. No, really. Don’t believe me? Watch a romantic comedy film. Any romantic comedy. Here’s what you’ll see:

Boy meets girl (usually Jennifer Aniston). Boy gets girl. Boy has massive misunderstanding with girl because they communicate like they’re talking on cell phones with spotty signals. Boy’s deadbeat, drunken, loser best friend concocts stupid plan to reunite boy with girl. All hell breaks loose. Boy gets girl despite various stupid human tricks because — wait for it — he talks to her honestly. The end.

So, let’s get over it and look at some ideas on what we all need to do in order to talk openly with our partners about sex:

#1 Expand your vocabulary

Words are a really key part of communication. The problem is that there are some words used in discussions about sex that aren’t really good “out-loud” words, and many of us never learned how to use them properly outside of when we yell at drivers who cut us off on the highway. If you’re going to really talk about what you want, you need to use all the words that both you and your partner understand. Pointing and gesturing isn’t enough.

#2 Don't traumatize your partner

Many times when people aren’t getting what they want out of sex, they focus on the things they don’t like about their partner’s style or actions. That’s never a good place to start. Instead, begin with the things you like, and accentuate the positive. “I like it when you do this. I’d like it if you did that more, and maybe you could add doing that and the other thing, too.” It’s better to gently guide your partner, instead of making demands. Laying in bed with your partner as they make love to you while flipping through the cable channels and mumbling, “No, a little to the left. No.. not there yet. Softer? No teeth! I’m not a chew toy. I wonder who’s on Leno tonight?!” is probably not going to get you what you want, and it may leave your partner traumatized. Work from the things they do right and you’ll be able to eliminate the things they don’t do right with a lot more ease and without hurting their feelings.

#3 Set the mood

When you want to talk about sex, don’t do it as you’re cooking dinner, with the kids chasing the dog around the house. Use your quiet, private time together for that conversation. Kill the lights, light some candles, and make sure you do it early enough that neither of you are too tired from the day to talk and then try out some of the things you’ve talked about. You’ll get much better results that way.

Talking about sex is not the easiest thing to do, but remember you can change things, if you’re willing to make the extra effort.

Sincerely,
Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Lube 101: Wetter is Better

Our bodies are perfectly capable of providing us the tools for awesome sex. However, sometimes our bodies' natural lubricants just don't make for awesome intercourse in a pinch. (Think of the long, drawn out foreplay needed to get really wet, ladies.) As Megan Andelloux, the Founder and Director of the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health, said in, "It's easy to have not enough lube and harder to have too much". In this article, Dr. Megan Stubbs offers useful advice on kinds of lubricants, how to use them best and tips on finding the right lube for you.

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It’s time, once and for all, to finally dispel the myth that lube is only for older women! Sorry Superbad, but Evan was right to be packing some lube for his sexual adventure with Becca.

Biologically, we naturally lubricate when we are sexually aroused. The lubrication produced helps facilitate sexual intercourse by reducing friction between the vagina and penis. But we don’t only have PV sex, and not all of us are having sex just to procreate. We engage in all kinds of sexual activities and most of the time our natural lubrication can’t keep up with the duration of our sex sessions. The use of lube is NOT a sign that you aren’t turned on enough or a cop out. Lube is a great staple to include in your solo and partnered sex life.

Like the colors of the rainbow, lube comes in many different varieties. Lubes can be water, silicone, or oil based - each with their benefits. Some things to keep in mind while lube shopping:

Flavored lubes, usually water based, are great for oral sex although I would caution you to try them before you buy them. You don’t want it to taste like cough medicine, unless that is your thing. You can usually find small sample sized packs of lube, flavored and regular, in stores. Think of it like bulk candy, buy a bunch and see which ones you like!

I would not recommend pairing oil based lubes with latex condoms because it can compromise the latex leading to breakage. Not good. Use water or silicone based lubrication instead.

Silicone lube is great for extended play and anal because it won’t dry out as quickly as water based lubricant.   The taste, however,  can be unpleasant and clean up can be a little more involved. It is latex friendly but do not pair it up with a silicone sex toy. The two together will cause your toy to disintegrate and become sticky and no one likes a sticky dildo.

Some lubes are touted as “anal specific” because they contain the numbing chemical benzocaine.  I do NOT recommend the use of these and you shouldn't want these kinds of lubrication. You need to know when something is hurting and being numb in the rear region can lead to injuries.  Plus sex is about pleasure.  I doubt using a numbing agent is anything close to an ideal sexual encounter.

New to the market are organic and natural lubes, and no, these aren’t just for tree-huggers and hippies. These lubes are great if you have chemical sensitivities to paraben or glycerin. They are also good if you are prone to yeast infections because of the sugars in regular lube. And for the animal lovers, they now make vegan lube too.

So next time you’re about to get down, reach for some lube. Whether it is a solo or partnered session, make sure you are adequately lubricated. Put a few drops inside of the condom before you put it on your partner for added sensation for them or try some warming lube to keep things hot. If you’re feeling a little dry its ok to stop and add some more lube to the party. The possibilities are endless. Find out what works for you, and when it comes to sex, everything is OK here.

Cross-posted with permission from SexologistMegan.

Dr. Megan Stubbs is a Grand Rapids-based Sexologist. She holds a doctor of education in Human Sexuality from San Francisco’s Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a degree in Biology from Grand Valley State University. She also Board Certified by the American College of Sexologists (ACS).

Dr. Megan is a firm believer that knowledge is power and that comprehensive sex education is not only valuable to budding teens, but to all of society. This Sexologist strives to break down the societal norms that sex is still a taboo subject and wants to normalize the conversation. She wants to empower everyone into taking control and respecting their sexuality. Megan is monthly contributor to the number one night-time radio show in West Michigan, Holmes and the Freakshow on 104.5 WSNX and also appears bi-weekly on a morning talk show, Take Five & Company on WZZM 13. Follow her on Twitter @sexologistmegan and 'Like' Megan on Facebook.

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A Brief History of the Vibrator

We kinda love history. From the history of burlesque to dildos, we're a fan of understand the past and how it effects us today. Ever wonder how you lil' buddy came into being? We have already covered the history of the dildo, blow job, and Burlesque. Now it's time to discover where the vibrator came from! Dr. Jenn, (also known as Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD) gives us a quick and witty history of how this wonderful toy, or necessity, became a reality.

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Imagine it is 1880 and you are a London housewife. You are unsatisfied with your life, easily irritable, depressed and experiencing insomnia, so you seek a doctor for assistance. If you can afford Dr. Robert Dalrymple and his protégée Dr. Mortimer Granville, you would be diagnosed with “hysteria.” This was considered a plague of their time, a “disabling condition” for at least half the women of London. The cause of this plague? An “overactive uterus.” Here’s the best part: The treatment for hysteria was…(wait for it)…having your clitoris manually stimulated by your doctor until orgasm. I’m serious. This was a medical treatment to address the nervous system and help put a woman’s uterus back in order.

Luckily for Dr. Granville, the eager Dr. Dalrymple happened to have a friend and benefactor who was also a Lord of London and eccentric inventor. His latest invention was a steam-powered generator attached to a feather duster to ease the strains of housework. However, they saw the potential to extend this technology to ease the strains of Granville’s handiwork. The result? Multiple “paroxysms” in a quarter of the time. The marketability of this as a home product for the relaxation and health of women led to the invention of the portable home “massager,” the precursor to our favorite vibrators today.

I’ve known about the origins of the modern vibrator for many years, but "Hysteria" helped fill some confusing gaps for me. For example, how was it possible that the doctors didn’t know they were sexually pleasuring their female patients? How did they not know they were inducing an orgasm? Also, wasn’t this type of touching considered very personal and embarrassing? At the time, it was believed that women only experienced sexual pleasure through penetration of a penis. The doctors believed they were triggering a paroxysm which was understood to be a necessary outburst and release of emotion. And as depicted in the movie "Hysteria," the doctors provided their vulva massage to each patient behind a red velvet curtain, draped at the woman’s waist, to maintain modesty.

The history of the vibrator is confusing and truly ridiculous by today’s understanding of sexuality. Despite dabbling in serious topics, Hysteria takes a romantic comedy approach that is entertaining and accessible, but certainly not earth shattering. I recommend it as a worthy rental to tickle your sexual funny bone. And what movie about vibrators wouldn’t have a happy ending?

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box. Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

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Why Won’t He Have Sex With Me?

Being fresh into a relationship can come up with numerous questions. Though many of our readers are in long-term relationships, we can remember thinking back to year one. Things were wonderful, but sometimes these new relationships come with some problems. What happens when your lover doesn't want to have sex? This question came from one of our followers, and what better way to introduce J. Cameron Gantt, the Insti(Gay)tor, and our go-to-gay for newly coupled dates and relationships!

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Dear GetLusty for Couples,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, but for the last 6 months I feel like we are stuck. Basically, we don’t have sex anymore. We used to have it on a daily basis and it was amazing. But lately it seems like he avoids it at all costs. He even goes as far as to start arguments with me just to kill the mood.

A few weeks ago, I caught him jerking off while looking at porn and he was totally into it…until he finally unglued his eyes from the screen and looked up. I wasn’t even mad at the fact that he was looking at porn, I was more upset because I felt betrayed. I have been sexually starved for 6 months, breaking my back trying to get our sex life back on track, and he’s been having jerk-fest at 3am while he thinks I’m asleep. I have tried to discuss this with him and even now he refuses to talk about it.

I love him, but I can’t hold out any longer. I don’t want to end things, but I have been considering cheating on him. If I do, I know that there will be no coming back from that. What can I do to help save things?

Sincerely
Billy Blu Balls, 35

Dear Billy Blu Balls,

Thanks for sharing! I am so sorry you are going through this. Bad sex is just as bad as no sex and both can drive a guy insane. Hopefully, my advice can help you get things back on track.

I don’t know your boyfriend, but I suspect that there is something deeper going on with him. Typically when sex patterns change, it is indicative that something deeper is going on. Maybe there has been a drastic change in another area of his life that has transitioned into the bedroom. Maybe he is having some self-esteem issues or maybe he’s addicted to porn…who knows. There is no real way for you to know for sure unless you two start communicating. Whatever he is going through is beyond your control and things aren’t going to get better unless he is willing to engage with you.

This is what I want you to remember: your needs are important, and though sex may not be the most important aspect of a relationship, it is a valid one (at least in the top 5). I appreciate your honesty but the fact that you are admitting to wanting to cheat on him may be a sign that this may not be the right relationship for you.

Here’s what I suggest:

Your relationship with him is still fairly new. We’d like to think that a year is a long period of time but the reality is that you two are barely scratching the surface of getting to know each other. I suggest you guys pull a “Ross and Rachel” and take a break. It sounds like both of you may need some space and figure out what type of relationship you have now, and the type of relationship you want to have moving forward.

The break shouldn’t last longer than 2 weeks and you make it a point not to contact each other until that period is over. During this time, you should focus on you and what you want and let him focus on him. At the end of the break, meet up in a neutral territory so you can get reacquainted with each other. Both of you should be open and honest about your wants and needs. See if there is any opportunity to repair what has been broken and, if you are both game, work together to and commit to making things better. I would even suggest hiring a helping professional to assist in moderating to avoid slipping back into the same old pattern. If you decide to break things off, make it a clean break and commit to living your best single gay sex life.

Either way, focus your time and energy on moving forward and not feeling stuck.

I hope things work out for you,
J. Cameron

J. Cameron Gantt is a Matchmaker and Certified Professional Coach specializing in gay dating and relationships. He is the founder of Insti(Gay)tor, a Chicago-based matchmaking agency for the gay community and has dedicated to his time to helping gay singles find love and live their best gay lives.

Cameron currently serves as an expert contributor on a variety of dating websites including Yourtango.com and Singleswarehouse.net. He also hosts a variety of GLBT singles events in the Chicagoland area. Connect with him on Twitter @instigaytor, Facebook and at Instigaytor.com.

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3 Stretches for Better Thrusting During Sex

One of the best things you can do for your sex life is regular exercise. Constantly working on your stamina as well as regularly using your muscles to keep them limber and strong is a direct payoff. So what is the down side? Getting into a regular exercise routine can be harder than we give it credit for.
Our newest staff writer, Brittany Meyer, is here to help with the top 5 stretches to enhance your sex live with being more limber for stronger thrusts.

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Comedienne Lynne Koplitz jokes that sex when you’re younger is an event. You prepare, stretch and eat lighter meals. We find it laughable. But why don’t we put more effort into preparing for sex? It is easy to see how needing to eat a lighter meal or going to the gym earlier that day could make obvious improvements in our sexual endeavors but so many people take these small tasks for granted. I can understand that we have many things happening in our lives ranging from fun to obligations that we cannot commit everything we do to our sex lives but we should all be taking small steps to help improve it.

For those of you in a transition period where you would like to be more agile for sex but are having time commitment issues, we would like to offer a medium! Regular stretching is one of the best ways to keep yourself limber and will help avoid cramping while giving you more energy. These can be done for 20 minutes as a morning routine or even a 10 minutes warm-up for the bedroom in the evening.

We use all the muscles in our body for sex but there are 5 major groups we recommend you focus your stretches on; Back, stomach, buttocks, hips and hamstrings. In Part 1, we reviewed hips and hamstrings. Did you see our other article on stretching other muscle groups for better sex? While we recommend you pay the most attention to the muscle groups you will be using the most (depending on the positions you prefer to do), these are the major muscles that you will typically use.

When you are going through these stretches, don't be afraid to incorporate small stretching techniques you are familiar with as you go to keep the blood flowing and keep yourself comfortable. As a reminder about stretching, always do it at your own level. The stretches described below are only the recommended procedure; adjust them to your abilities so you do not overexert yourself! Nothing is worse than pulling a muscle when you are working towards improving your sex life.

#1 Don't put your back out (the back stretch)

Why the abs and lower back?

Core power. The abs and lower back muscles are used for the thrusting motions of sex. Finnish researchers say that people with weak core muscles are more than three times more likely to suffer from lower back pain. Strong abs also hold your belly so it won’t flop over and get in the way of business.

This stretch is relaxing and a beginner level so it's very easy to do. This was aided by Discovery Channel's back stretch article.

How to get into it:

Lay on your back with your legs flat on the ground. Bring both legs up your chest. Then, grab the underside of your knees. Hold this for 30-60 seconds (always at your own level!) and then release and lay flatly on the ground again.

#2 Thrust with a stronger core (the ab stretch)


Again, strong abdominals--as well as a strong pelvic floor--is beneficial for multiple areas of sex, including improved thrusting, as well as more powerful orgasms.

While this is a common stretch, it is also low impact and reaches many of the muscles throughout the stomach.

How to get into it:

Lay on your stomach with your arms at your side. Using your arms only as braces, lay your forearms on the ground by your side and pull your upper body up as if you are looking straight forward while your hips stay locked on the ground.

Once you stretch those upper stomach muscles, you can modify the exercise to extending your arms all the way so you are supported by your hands flat on the ground with your hips still locked down. You will notice you will have a much more severe arch and will feel the stretch from your upper stomach down to your pelvis. Hold for 15 seconds at first and repeat for a longer time if you can.

#3 Get your blood pumping (with glute muscule AKA butt stretches)

Butt muscles (also known as glutes and hamstrings) are absolute wonderful when you're getting into various positions, including woman-on-top. Also, workouts for your lower body can increase blood flow "In your [bodies'] Southern Hemisphere" says explains Debbie Mandel, MA, a stress and fitness expert and the author of, "Addicted to Stress: A Woman’s 7-Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life."

Some may find these more helpful than others but since your gluts are integral with your hips, back and hamstrings, it is good to add some focus to this part of your body for maximum flexibility and comfort.

How to get into it:

Lay on your back again with your legs at rest and your feet flat on the floor. Cross your left ankle over your right thigh and grab the underside of your right thigh. Pull your thigh to your stomach bringing your foot as far in as you can to your body. Hold for 15 seconds. Switch and repeat with your right ankle. The easier it feels the longer you can hold the position.


Brittany just moved to Chicago after finishing her degree from FSU and arrived with a thirst to learn about everything that has to do with sex. Having been involved with The F-Word, The Vagina Monologues, amateur drag and a Human Sexuality course, she is a very sex positive lady. When she's not admiring architecture or looking for a design job, Brittany does stand-up comedy and thinks of ways to make people on the CTA feel uncomfortable. She also eats high-fives for breakfast.  Follow her on twitter @sedanimal. E-mail her at brittany@getlusty.com.

Disclaimer: This information is solely for informational purposes. It is not intended to provide medical advice. Neither the Editors of GetLusty for Couples, Passionate Productions LLC, the author nor publisher take responsibility for any possible consequences from any treatment, procedure, exercise, dietary modification, action or application of medication which results from reading or following the information contained in this information. The publication of this information does not constitute the practice of medicine, and this information does not replace the advice of your physician or other health care provider. Before undertaking any course of treatment, the reader must seek the advice of their physician or other health care provider.

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You Should Know: Your 11 Sexual Rights

Did you know you have sexual rights? Both women and men--regardless of your orientation--have sexual rights. And given our current political situation, we thought now was an excellent time to consider our sexual rights. Does your candidate support women's sexual and reproductive rights? Amy Jo Goddard explains more about your sexual rights; where they come from and why they're important to you!

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Given the latest attacks on women’s sexual and reproductive rights and the responses of many critical thinking lawmakers about men’s sexual rights, I thought it was high time I posted the actual Declaration of Sexual Rights.

I’ve often heard people’s surprise at the idea of having sexual rights. I hope you’ll give some thought to the eleven rights that my colleagues at the World Association for Sexology drafted back in 1999. Bring into the light how important it is that we address sexuality as a fundamental part of who we are and of our total freedom, equality and certainly, our pursuit of happiness.

Below is the Declaration of Sexual Rights expanded. It is adopted from the 14th World Congress of Sexology, Hong Kong, 1999. That document was itself adopted from the Universal Declaration of Sexual Rights.

Sexuality is an integral part of the personality of every human being. Its full development depends upon the satisfaction of basic human needs such as the desire for contact, intimacy, emotional expression, pleasure, tenderness and love.

Sexuality is constructed through the interaction between the individual and social structures. Full development of sexuality is essential for individual, interpersonal, and societal well being.

Sexual rights are universal human rights based on the inherent freedom, dignity, and equality of all human beings. Since health is a fundamental human right, so must sexual health be a basic human right.

In order to assure that human beings and societies develop healthy sexuality, the following sexual rights must be recognized, promoted, respected, and defended by all societies through all means. Sexual health is the result of an environment that recognizes, respects and exercises these sexual rights.

The 11 Sexual Rights: 


#1. The right to sexual freedom. Sexual freedom encompasses the possibility for individuals to express their full sexual potential. However, this excludes all forms of sexual coercion, exploitation and abuse at any time and situations in life.

#2 The right to sexual autonomy, sexual integrity, and safety of the sexual body. This right involves the ability to make autonomous decisions about one’s sexual life within a context of one’s own personal and social ethics. It also encompasses control and enjoyment of our own bodies free from torture, mutilation and violence of any sort.

#3 The right to sexual privacy. This involves the right for individual decisions and behaviors about intimacy as long as they do not intrude on the sexual rights of others.

#4 The right to sexual equity. This refers to freedom from all forms of discrimination regardless of sex, gender, sexual orientation, age, race, social class, religion, or physical and emotional disability.

#5 The right to sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure, including autoeroticism, is a source of physical, psychological, intellectual and spiritual well being.

#6 The right to emotional sexual expression. Sexual expression is more than erotic pleasure or sexual acts. Individuals have a right to express their sexuality through communication, touch, emotional expression and love.

#7 The right to sexually associate freely. This means the possibility to marry or not, to divorce, and to establish other types of responsible sexual associations.

#8 The right to make free and responsible reproductive choices. This encompasses the right to decide whether or not to have children, the number and spacing of children, and the right to full access to the means of fertility regulation.


#9 The right to sexual information based upon scientific inquiry. This right implies that sexual information should be generated through the process of unencumbered and yet scientifically ethical inquiry, and disseminated in appropriate ways at all societal levels.

#10 The right to comprehensive sexuality education. This is a lifelong process from birth throughout the life cycle and should involve all social institutions.

#11 The right to sexual health care. Sexual health care should be available for prevention and treatment of all sexual concerns, problems and disorders.

Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator who blogs regularly at www.amyjogoddard.com. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about.

As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life Program in New York City and travels the US teaching courses and speaking at sexuality events. Visit www.amyjogoddard.com to get your free copy of her "Bringing Sexy Back: How to Revitalize a Dwindling Sex Life" audio class! Follow her on @amyjogoddard on Twitter.

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Debunking 3 Myths on Sex After Pregnancy

We have had few articles on sex after pregnancy. GetLusty is working on changing that, starting off with debunking myths on sex after pregnancy. Mary-Margaret Sweene reports. Admittedly, she is childless. However, like a wonderful journalist, Mary-Margaret did some investigative reporting and interviewed several of her friends with children.

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I had lunch with a friend of mine who had recently become a mama. When the topic turned to sex, she poked at her salad and replied, "Oh, you know. It is what it is. At first it's non-existent. But then it's, like...weird." Weird? Weird how?

"I don't know. It happens at weird times. And it's quiet. And sometimes it happens in weird places. Wherever the kids are not at the time."

"So it's like prison sex?" I joked.

My friend put down her fork, looked at me, and blinked. "Yeah," she said. "I guess it's sort of like prison sex."

I imagined our master bedroom a cell. With little soundproofing between us and the cell adjacent, containing little criminals we'd brought upon ourselves. Who were they to steal our sex lives from us? This after nine months of forced sobriety, too. I used to glow when I saw my husband hold a friend's baby, imagining our own wee ones to come. But after that lunch, I practically grimaced when my husband noticed a kid at all. "Careful," I warned. "You give it a bottle and soon it's 1971 and we're living in Attica."

But I started to consider that most couples have multiple children. How did the second one come about if sex virtually disappears after the first kid? I felt that caring so much about the future of my sex life, when stacked against the joy and responsibility of child-rearing, would be seen as immature. But as my concern persisted, I realized that I didn't much care how I was perceived by anyone but my husband. If sex was important to us, we needed to weigh how it would impacted by children.

First, I took to the internet. A quick Wiki search told me that six weeks postpartum, 57% of American women have resumed intercourse. By three months, 82-85%. The numbers were encouraging. But, I'm a social scientist. I wanted qualitative, and not just quantitative. A couple of my mama friends weighed in to debunk my top three fears of post-baby sex.

#1 Sex is not going to be as good as it once was.

"Sex got exponentially better for me postpartum.  Before I had a baby, it was very difficult for me to orgasm during sex. After having sex four weeks after I had my daughter, sex actually felt good for the first time.  I didn't orgasm the first time I had sex postpartum, but I was close.  After the third or fourth postpartum sex session, I was orgasming regularly.  It was awesome. Something about childbirth and pregnancy must have done something to my body that just made sex easier and more enjoyable." --L., early 20s, one child with another on the way

"It was nice to have sex whenever, wherever [before having kids]. But my body got way more sensitive in all the best ways after having kids. I don't know why or how, but it's great." --A., mid 20s, two children with another on the way.

Hmmm. That doesn't exactly sound like death row to me. 

#2 So who cares if the sex is better if you don't have any time for it?

"Sometimes you just have to make it happen. We're lucky to have family around who will take the kids over night. There's also a chance for sex in the early morning or late evening. Sometimes during nap times. Sometimes you're dead tired but it's been way too long for both of you. Usually sleep trumps sex but certainly not all of the time." --A.

"Life with children is really not as terrible as depicted on TV shows. Your house is not always a huge mess with food/fecal matter/crayons all over the floors and walls. Kids aren't running around screaming 24/7. We always had time for sex, though it may not have always been at night.  Sometimes you have to get creative and have sex on the living room couch while the baby takes a nap in the middle of the day!" --L.

#3 What if you're nursing?

"It can be a bit embarrassing at times until you get used to what your body will do. I almost always leak milk when I get close to an orgasm. It can be a little alarming at first, but now we both just know that if I'm still breast feeding, there's going to be one extra bodily fluid around afterwards. Whatever, right? Sex is kind of sticky and wet anyway." --A.

"If my boobs were full of milk in the morning and I hadn't nursed my daughter yet, and we wanted to have sex, I would just make sure not to "squish" them in whatever position we utilized.  Breast feeding did, however, scare me into wearing a bra during sex.  I'd read that milk can spray out of your nipples during an orgasm, so I didn't want to take any chances by having sex topless.  My partner didn't mind; I don't think he was too keen on getting a milk shower." --L.

It seems that a healthy sex life can remain so after baby. To ensure a smoother transition into sex after pregnancy, start communicating with your partner now. What fears do the two of you have? Can you talk one another through them, find a book, ask your doctor or a friend?

And of course, sex is not just defined by intercourse. While you're waiting to heal, I'm sure GetLusty can give you plenty of ideas for non-intercourse sexy fun. 

Are you a parent? Share with us how you still GetLusty post-baby!

Mary-Margaret McSweene is a writer and graduate student in Chicago. Her undergraduate degrees are in Social Justice Studies and Feminist Theory which basically means she knows how to ruin a dinner party by calling bullshit on another guest.

She spends inordinate amounts of time thinking, reading and writing about feminist issues, punctuated by brief respites to enjoy good tea and good beer. Contact her at mary@getlusty.com or follow her on her brand new shiny Twitter, @MMMcSweene. Email her at Editorial@Getlusty.com

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3 Stretches for Better Sex

Stretching for better sex? Yes. You heard right. Stretching can be relaxing and can also prepare you for a long, enjoyable sex session! Our newest staff writer and stretching enthusiast, Brittany Meyer, is here for the first in a two-part series on stretching for better sex.

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Comedienne Lynne Koplitz jokes that sex when you’re younger is an event—you prepare, stretch, eat lighter meals, etc. We find it laughable but why don’t we put more effort into preparing for sex? It is easy to see how needing to eat a lighter meal or going to the gym earlier that day could make obvious improvements in our sexual endeavors but so many people take these small tasks for granted. I can understand that we have many things happening in our lives ranging from fun to obligations that we cannot commit everything we do to our sex lives but we should all be taking small steps to help improve it.

While we use all the muscles in our body for sex, there are five muscle groups you should be focusing on: Hips, hamstrings, back, stomach and buttocks. The last three will be continued in the next article but try beginning with these two basic stretches focusing on the hips and hamstrings.

#1 Hips

This one is a personal favorite and will need to be adjusted based on your flexibility and possesses some cross over with stretching your thighs and back. It also takes a little longer than the other recommended stretches but once you take the time to open these muscles up, they will feel open for hours. This is a great stretch and has noticeable improvement the more you do it.

Sit on the ground with your feet pressed against each other and (within you limits) bring your feet in as close to your groin as you can. The shape your legs make will resemble anything from a square to a sharp diamond depending on your flexibility. Cup your hands over your feet and lean forward as far as you can. You will want to hold this for at least 1 minute. Take a break, stretch your legs forward, stretch your arms and repeat. The longer you can hold this and the closer you can bring your legs into your groin area the more you open up your hip muscles.

#2 Hamstrings

Nobody wants to pull a hammy and there are many exercises designated to prevent this. Below are two exercises, one more low impact and one that is a little more intense.

First: Sit with both legs straight in front of you. Start slow by pointing and flexing your toes towards the ceiling and forward. Once you feel comfortable, slide your arms forward down your legs as if you are trying to grab your feet. Go your own pace—if you can grab your feet, great! If not, make a goal to touch your knees or your mid calves. Hold this for 30 at a time and then relax. Repeat 2-3 times or whatever is within you comfort zone.

Second: This can be boiled down to being called a modified lunge. Stand with both legs together and step one of your feet out in front of you, forming a 90 degree angle with your bent knee. Place your hands on your hips for balance and do your best to keep your body straight. Hold for 5-10 seconds and repeat with opposite leg. I recommend doing 5 on each leg to feel results but do not overexert yourself, this can be a physically draining exercise if done too much.

Doing these exercises regularly will improve energy levels and enable you to have longer, more sensational sex. If you feel awkward about warming up in front of your partner, allot yourself some private time when you get home from work to try these out or wake up early and try them in another room. Even better, this could be a good way for the two of you to get more active together! The more comfortable you get with these, do some research to add another stretch every week. Regular upkeep with this routine will open the doors to a gym schedule and you will feel more comfortable and in shape than just starting from scratch. Just remember to work at your own pace and that this is a commitment to more gratifying sex for both of you.

Brittany just moved to Chicago after finishing her degree from FSU and arrived with a thirst to learn about everything that has to do with sex. Having been involved with The F-Word, The Vagina Monologues, amateur drag and a Human Sexuality course she is a very sex positive lady. When she's not admiring architecture or looking for a design job, Brittany does stand-up comedy and thinks of ways to make people on the CTA feel uncomfortable. She also eats high-fives for breakfast. Follow her on twitter @sedanimal. E-mail her directly at brittany@getlusty.com.

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Can I Be Multi-Orgasmic Again?

It's Orgasm October, so we've received several great questions particularly on orgasm. Occasionally, we get questions from readers that need special attention. This question was asked to us recently and we thought this might have happened to others in our audience. Moushumi Ghose, the Los Angeles Sex Therapist and our resident lady-who-knows-all is here to answer our readers' question.

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Dear GetLusty,

I used to be multi-orgasmic. Now find I come once every great while. It's caused me a lot of frustration, stress, and heartache.

I love my partner and we've tried to communicate, try new positions, and do things differently to see if we can find the elusive bugger.

But it seems to simply be impossible for me anymore and my sex desire is definitely suffering after four years of this frustration. I will try to explore with more curiosity, but is there a possibility that I'm somehow physically "damaged"?

The reason I ask is I can hardly ever find an orgasm even during masturbation now! This all happened after having the Mirena IUD inserted, (and remains a problem after having it removed). When I first got the IUD it pinched the hell out of my insides every time I came, and that's about when I stopped coming. After its removal I was able to orgasm again, occasionally. But never with the power or consistency of before. I'm not seeing any conversation about this anywhere online--it concerns me because they are really "pushing" that device on women--even after I had it removed they continue to ask if I want a new one. I asked my doctor whether it could have affected my Os, and he brushed off the question after flushing red with embarrassment. Have you heard of this?

Signed,
Hoping for more

Dear Hoping for more,

This is a great question. I am not a medical doctor, but from a psychological standpoint it is absolutely possible that your experience with the IUD has remained in your mental muscle memory. For example, you mention that you experienced feeling pinched when you orgasm’d and despite having removed it, you haven’t been able to return. In psychological terms we call this trauma.

The trauma of being pinched becomes a part of your past experience and now may be a psychological block to orgasming. You may be, unconsciously of course, afraid of the pain. Now this is, only, one theory. If there is some medical issue, a doctor would need to check it out. Since your doctor was embarrassed, I would recommend getting a second opinion to rule out any medical condition. Then, if this is indeed psychological, you can start to repair your brain. Trying new positions is one way, but you really need to feel safe and relaxed again.

Without those two components you are not going to orgasm. You also need to reconnect with your body. Practice breathing, is my first suggestion. Close your eyes and take 3 long deep inhales and exhales. Do this regularly throughout your day, when you’re at a stop light, at your desk, etc. Checking in with your breathing is the first step to becoming more in tune with what's going on inside your body.

My next suggestion is to, instead of trying new positions, try more sensual exercises that involve touch, massage, taking a bath, lightening candles, using scented oils, etc and involve the other senses such as smell, taste, and get reacquainted with all the things that bring you pleasure.

You can do these alone or with a partner. Also, putting less emphasis on orgasm, and more emphasis on the other aspects of love making is a good idea. Such as kissing, hugging, touching. Pay attention to how all of these sensations feel. Go slow, make your goal to feel pleasure, not to achieve orgasm, and you might be on your way to healing your inner pain.

Good luck,
Mou

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral  Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

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4 Ways to Start Meditating for Better Sex

Meditation seems to be a huge trend right now in the celebrity world with Orlando Bloom and Gisele Bundchen claiming to meditate. But its more than a mere fad. Meditation, like yoga, is thousands of years old! Its healing properties such as reducing stress and bringing about more mental well-being should have everyone meditating! But lets face it: meditation can be scary and intimidating. But, what if I told you that mediation can actually help you reach orgasms? Would you start chanting and making the sound of "om" more? Our Lora Swarts reports on how to get started with meditation!

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According to researchers at Brown University in Rhode Island, women who are able to train their mind and thoughts during sex will experience more pleasure. The study followed 44 students: 30 of whom were women and half of whom had taken a 12 week meditation course. The participants were shown a slideshow of erotic images. When asked to describe their reaction as calm, anxious or aroused, the women who were mediating already registered more quickly as feeling aroused. Meditation allows us to feel more and not get caught up in our own thoughts. When we focus on "feeling" more then we may have a higher chance of orgasming quicker as opposed to letting ourselves get caught up in our heads.

Along with my yoga practice, I love to mediate. Even if its for 10 minutes a day, I always feel more serene, calm, and have more gratitude. Mediation can lead to self-love, body awareness and more attention span all of which can help you with reaching an orgasm! Although orgasms shouldn't be the end goal of sex (that is just too much pressure on a person), it sure is nice to know that meditation can help us reach them! We have already written on some yoga poses to help you have better sex, now its time for some delicious meditation to improve our sex lives!

#1 Quiet environment 

First things first. Be sure to find a comfortable and quiet spot in your home, office, gym, wherever! In order to really go inside you need space and lots of quiet. Do not rush the meditation process. Start with 10-15 minutes and gradually increase your meditation time. Sit up straight and stay comfortable by resting your bum on a folded blanket. Its difficult at first to sit still but just know that you will reap the benefits soon enough. Just like anything it takes time.

#2 Breathe

Just as in yoga, breath is important in meditation. Using breathing exercising helps you get into a more relaxed state. Focus your attention on your belly with every inhale and exhale (feel it expand and deflate as you breath). Try inhaling slowly to a count of three. Then hold your breath for a count of three at the top of your inhale. Exhale for three counts. Once you get used to this style of breathing, increase your counts and hold the breath longer. Using your breath helps keep you focused and more aware. During sex, your breath can help you feel more aware and present. When you are relaxed and your mind is settled you can more easily orgasm.


#3 Personal mantra 

If counting your breath isn't helping you relax and focus, try a mantra or a combo of both! A mantra is a sacred word or phrase that you can speak aloud or with the voice in your head. Also, try imagining a peaceful place in your mind. Focus on this calm place, and let your mind go there. Focusing on your breath, mantra or image will greatly help you in reaching your personal peace. Need help developing your mantra?  Get started with "Om" which is the classic and sacred sound of Hinduism.

#4 Clear your mind 

When your mind begins to wander, non-judgmentally push those thoughts aside without labeling them "good" or "bad" and come back to your breath count, mantra or image. Silencing your mind is the pinnacle of mediation. Meditation is a journey, so just take it all in! When thoughts do enter your mind, and they will, impartially observe them and gently push them away until silence returns.  Eventually you will be able to control your thoughts!

Meditation brings about concentration, knowledge of self, better health, and helps us stay in the present and worry less about the past and future. Think about it. During sex, if you can concentrate more, detach your mind from disruptive thoughts, and relax, orgasming is just around the corner! So start "oming" to start having that big "O"!

 Lora is our Editorial intern and resident health nut. When she is not writing, you can find her on her yoga mat, exploring Chicago via bicycle, or spending time with her wonderful boyfriend and Beagle puppy in their north side apartment. She has a habit of spending too much money on soy lattes and yoga clothes. Find her on Twitter at @HoneyNutLo or writing over at her own blog! Have any questions? Email her at Lora@GetLusty.com

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