Tomorrow! Networking for Kinky People

GetLusty is all about meeting new kinky people! If you wanna get out there and find some like minded sexual deviants, there's plenty of events just for that purpose. Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg host a variety of classes on sexuality. This week's class is on networking and GetLusty's event writer Greg Dorn has the details.

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Just as people come in all shapes and sizes, so do our sexual appetites. For people who want to expand their sexual resume, for people who need something a little bit more wild, or for people who are simply curious and looking for something fun to do, you should show up at Taboo Tabou this Wednesday at 7pm.  Don't be shy.

The What

Networking for Kinky People: Learn how to function in various sexual subcommunities including polygamy and swinging. In most social settings, it is very difficult to be open and find people who are interested in the same sexy activities as you. This class gives you a chance to learn how to maneuvere those communities, in which you can find someone to join you in exploring your most intimate desires!

The Who

Ken Melvoin-Berg owns Weird Chicago Tours and the Midwest’s premier S&M Dungeon, The Studio. As a Lecturer and Sexstorian, he is the creator of On The Edge (a lecture/film series on BDSM). In addition to authoring 14 books on various subjects, Ken edits and writes numerous articles on sexuality. He travels around the world teaching kink awareness to various private groups and continually develops new kink-friendly/sex positive classes.

Ken is responsible for the infamous Northwestern University Fucksaw controversy while teaching his class, Networking for Kinky People. Sunny Megatron is his partner in crime in his perverted adventures.

Sunny Megatron is a pleasure advocate, sex blogger, sexpert, adult sexuality educator and accidental superhero. Along with Ken, she is one of the infamous Northwestern Fucksaw Four and is the proud owner of that fucksaw heard around the world.

On any given weekend you can find Sunny hosting Red Light District Sex Tours and bachelorette parties for Weird Chicago Tours. She also teaches various sexuality workshops around the country including: Networking for Kinky People, BDSM 101, How to Give a World Class BlowJob, Exploring Non-Monogamy, ZAP! Electrical Play, The Female Orgasm, and Junk For Your Junk: Sex Toys 101.

Although Sunny covers various subjects, her specialties are the female orgasm and alternative sexuality— from LGBTQ topics to swinging, BDSM, nontraditional relationships, extreme toys, g-spot techniques and more. She particularly enjoys helping those curious about adding a little spice to their sex lives that aren’t sure where to begin.

Where and When

Don't fret, the next class is this Wednesday, November 14, 2012 at Lakeview's Taboo Tabou starting at 7pm. Tickets are sold at the door, but reserve your spot now by clicking on this link. Be sure to check out their other upcoming events. All classes are held upstairs in the Salon Cabaret, and require a $10 class fee.

For more classes, and Chicago sex tours, please check out Ken and Sunny here. Just remember to leave your inhibitions at the door. Trust me, you'll be in good hands.

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This is a guest post by our own Greg Dorn. Greg is a self-employed day trader who loves writing. He aims to think about sex whenever possible, including enhancing his own love life! If you don't see Greg crunching numbers, you'll find him enjoying the beauty of his wonderful girlfriend around Chicago. Greg also writes for a History of Cool, a perspective on the changing definition of cool. Besides sex and numbers, Greg geeks out on the ever-changing analytical definition of coolness. Find Greg on Twitter @ahistoryofcool.

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Feel Better About BDSM

There is often a great deal of confusion surrounding BDSM. People have desires and fantasies they want to act out, but feel guilty or uncomfortable with the idea. It can turn into a difficult situation to approach with your partner. With BDSM, the distinctions between excitement and discomfort often become blurred. Without guidance, confusion and miscommunication can lead to frustration. Luckily, Good Men Project is here to advice! Sex advice gurus Eli and Josie received a reader question along the same lines. They answered with help from Noah Brand on how this man should address his conflicted feelings towards fulfilling his girlfriend's S&M fantasies.

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Dear Sexes: My girlfriend just recently told me that she’s into S&M and she knows that I had a master/slave relationship in the past. What she doesn’t know is that it’s not sexual to me. It pulls up a very ugly and repressed emotion/mentality. I want to do whatever I can to fulfill her fantasies, but I’m pretty uncomfortable with mentally accessing that part of me far enough for ME to enjoy it. Is this a common feeling? How safe is it for me to try this out? And when can I call it quits, having done my duty?

She Said: First and foremost, the way you just phrased that to us is probably the perfect way to explain your feelings to your girlfriend. There’s a chance that she may just want to explore the S&M side of herself, and isn’t even sure if it’s going to be something she needs, in which case you’d be off the hook.

There’s also the chance that she thinks that somewhere deep inside, because of your former relationship, that you need some element of BDSM to be fulfilled. To me, this is a case of you two just needing to have an open-hearted conversation.

However, we wanted to reach out to our friend, Noah Brand from The Good Men Project and No Seriously What About The Menz, who knows more about less-mainstream sexuality than we do, in order to get you a more knowledgeable response. Hopefully between the three of us, we can help!

He Said: I know this question is about S&M, but forget about that aspect for a moment. Your girlfriend wants to try something romantically/sexually that you’ve tried in the past, aren’t particularly into now, and sort of object to personally. There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do, and you should not force yourself to do anything you’re not comfortable with. Additionally, your girlfriend would (most likely) not want you do anything that compromised your values, or even personal tastes.

On the other hand, you’re in a relationship, so compromise (often) and communication (always) are required. Sit down with your girlfriend and discuss your fears, goals, and ideas about this scenario. Make sure you get your thoughts out, and do your best to listen carefully. The two of you may have more common ground than you think. And the more open you are with each other, the better chance you give each other to succeed.

Now, a few words from our guest expert. Noah - take it away.

Noah Said: It’s hard to give specific advice without knowing specific details, but if I understand you correctly, you’re saying that you’re worried about being an abusive top. (You are the top in these scenarios?) Rather than just being a fun kinky thrill for you, you’re worried that this kind of power play taps into a darker and more dangerous part of your psyche. If that’s not actually your problem, please write in again and explain more and we’ll tackle the question again.

To answer your question - that’s not all that uncommon. Most conscious and responsible tops feel some level of tension between the enjoyment of power and the fear of abusing it. Sounds like in your case that tension’s a bit higher than most, but that’s not necessarily an insurmountable problem. The solution is the solution to literally almost all kink problems: communication, limits, and boundaries.

First and foremost, talk openly with your girlfriend about her specific fantasies and your own feelings. Do the things she wants even overlap with the things you fear doing? Did you just start to answer that question without asking her first? You say she doesn’t know about your repressed emotions? I say she probably should. Talk about these things very specifically and very honestly, with minimal “Oh, you know what I mean” or “I guess just anything” or phrases like that. The kink worksheet created by the great Cliff Pervocracy is a good starting point.

From there, you need to set clear limits and boundaries, and you must be clear that you are BOTH allowed to set those. You have every much a right to say “I’m not comfortable doing that to you” as she does to say “I’m not comfortable having that done to me.” It will help if you can do some trust exercises: the trust needs to go both ways. You need to know that she can use a safeword if she has to, that she can look out for her own safety and well-being, and she needs to know that you will respect her safeword - that you won’t go too far.

What I’m saying is that you may be wrong about not being able to explore this side of yourself safely, and you may also be wrong about not being able to enjoy power dynamics on a sexual level. With communication and boundaries, you can potentially construct a space for yourself and your girlfriend where you can both have a good time, and even if it doesn’t work, you’ll both be able to understand why, and learn from the experience without getting hurt.

Unless, of course, the nature of your problem is that you’re thinking “Communication? Boundaries? Safewords? I don’t want to do those things!” In which case you were right the first time, you’re a shitty top and should not play with anyone.

Cross posted with permission from She Said He Said. Reprinted from The Good Men Project.

Josie is a writer living in Los Angeles. Though she has a tight circle of female friends, she's always been a guy's gal. This advice column came about because her best girls kept begging her to ask her guy friends for sex and dating advice on their behalf. She realized that the advice they offered was honest and direct--and completely different than the advice women offered each other.

Eli is an indie-rock musician living in New York City. He loves his football and hockey as much as the next red-blooded male. But when it comes to relationships and love, he's really a true romantic. His friends (female and male) are always asking him for his dating/relationship advice due to his genuine caring, perceptiveness, and honesty. He always calls it like he sees it, and usually sees it very well. 'Like' them on Facebook.

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3 Must Read Books on Anal

We have written a lot about anal sex. From the ultimate guide to anal sex to five must have anal sex toys, we have covered it. However, if you want to learn as much as you possibly can about anal sex, you might want to check out the books below! We have written on the best books for marriage, books of giving better blowjobs, and cunnilingus, and now we think it is time to give our bums some love too. Without further adieu, here is our pick of the three best books on anal sex!

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#1 The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women (2nd edition)
By: Tristan Taormino 

The second edition of Tristan's amazing book, has been revised and updated throughout. Tristan included all new chapters specifically for beginners and for women giving anal pleasure to men. This is a comprehensive and creative book on anal sex. Tristan Taormino offer the kind of informed reassurance that can encourage even an absolute beginner to explore this nerve-rich part of the body, either alone or with a partner of any gender. Anal sex enthusiasts may need no encouragement, but will welcome Taormino's sense of adventure and her detailed discussions of toys, fantasy play and positions.

Beginning by dispelling common myths about anal eroticism, Taormino goes on to illustrate anatomy, give tips on building trust and communicating desires, and provide reliable, easy-to-understand information on safety, preparation, hygiene, and much more. This new edition has been substantially expanded and revised to include new information on masturbation, anal health, BDSM and anal sex, and many other topics. In a new feature, Taormino answers actual reader questions.

Salon.com says it is "The bible of female anal sex!" and Time Out New York says Tristan "is the go-to girl on anal sex."

#2 Tickle My Tush: Mild to Wild Analplay Adventures for Everybooty
By: Dr. Sadie Allison

TIckle My Tush is a smart guide for men and women to the true pleasures of the under-explored seat of love. With Dr. Sadie's trademark tongue-in-cheek narrative, together with over 60 tasteful illustrations, this guide book clearly shows how to enjoy these newfound thrills-comfortably, safely, and pleasurably.

This book goes from "mild to wild" so curious couples can find their personal approach and comfort levels at their own pace. Be as mild as you want with sensual butt massages or anal finger play, or read about butt toys, innercourse and "pegging" to experience wild orgasmic sensations. Feel confident with the tips and techniques that dispel myths and skyrocket pleasure. This is the most approachable how-to analplay guide.

"If I'm gonna take advice from someone about my tush, it's gonna be Dr. Sadie. Her style and humor are pleasant and informative and she's not afraid to leave out any embarrassing or important details. Remember, that's where Cosmo gets its advice from!" -Eleni Solomou, Columnist, Cosmopolitan Magazine

#3 Anal Pleasure and Health: A Guide for Men, Women, and Couples

By: Dr. Jack Morin, Ph.D.

 
For many years the focus of fear and disgust, the anus is actually one of the human body's most wondrous creations- elegant, efficient, and richly supplied with pleasure nerves. However, stress and ignorance can turn the anus and its functions from a source of delight into a painful disability. What's needed is an owner's manual- and here it is!

Join therapist and sexologist, Jack Morin, Ph.D., on this tour of the anus, complete with information and exercises to open the door to new sources of comfort and gratification. You'll unlearn habits that can cause everything from hemorrhoids to chronic pelvis pain- and, if you choose learn new ways of achieving solo and partnered pleasures through this humblest of portals.

"Anal Pleasure and Health is the original guide to anal eroticism and still the greatest." -Michael Castleman, author, Great Sex

Lora is on our editorial team and is our resident health nut! When she isn't writing or editing, you can find her on her yoga mat, exploring Chicago via bicycle, or hanging out with her wonderful boyfriend in their north side apartment. She has a dangerous habit of spending too much money on soy lattes and yoga clothes. Find her on Twitter @HoneyNutLo or email her at Lora@GetLusty.com if you have any questions!

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3 Ways to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

As we've seen, communicating about sex (think: sexual gratitude, integrating communication into sex or sexual negotiation 101) can really enhance your experience. We all have it. Now how about talking about it? Our favorite sex sexologists and relationship conseling couple, the 'Love Birds' Chuck and Jo Ann, are back talking about--talking about sex!

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In our culture, sex is something we think about often but rarely actually talk about. According to a recent Ohio State University study, men think about sex about 18 times each day, while women think about sex 10 times a day. What the study didn’t indicate, however, was how many times couples — who between them think about sex 28 times every day — actually talk about sex with each other.

Our culture uses sex to sell cars, beer, snack foods and even household cleaners, when sex should actually be used to bring our relationships closer and heighten our intimacy and enjoyment of our relationships. No, really. Don’t believe me? Watch a romantic comedy film. Any romantic comedy. Here’s what you’ll see:

Boy meets girl (usually Jennifer Aniston). Boy gets girl. Boy has massive misunderstanding with girl because they communicate like they’re talking on cell phones with spotty signals. Boy’s deadbeat, drunken, loser best friend concocts stupid plan to reunite boy with girl. All hell breaks loose. Boy gets girl despite various stupid human tricks because — wait for it — he talks to her honestly. The end.

So, let’s get over it and look at some ideas on what we all need to do in order to talk openly with our partners about sex:

#1 Expand your vocabulary

Words are a really key part of communication. The problem is that there are some words used in discussions about sex that aren’t really good “out-loud” words, and many of us never learned how to use them properly outside of when we yell at drivers who cut us off on the highway. If you’re going to really talk about what you want, you need to use all the words that both you and your partner understand. Pointing and gesturing isn’t enough.

#2 Don't traumatize your partner

Many times when people aren’t getting what they want out of sex, they focus on the things they don’t like about their partner’s style or actions. That’s never a good place to start. Instead, begin with the things you like, and accentuate the positive. “I like it when you do this. I’d like it if you did that more, and maybe you could add doing that and the other thing, too.” It’s better to gently guide your partner, instead of making demands. Laying in bed with your partner as they make love to you while flipping through the cable channels and mumbling, “No, a little to the left. No.. not there yet. Softer? No teeth! I’m not a chew toy. I wonder who’s on Leno tonight?!” is probably not going to get you what you want, and it may leave your partner traumatized. Work from the things they do right and you’ll be able to eliminate the things they don’t do right with a lot more ease and without hurting their feelings.

#3 Set the mood

When you want to talk about sex, don’t do it as you’re cooking dinner, with the kids chasing the dog around the house. Use your quiet, private time together for that conversation. Kill the lights, light some candles, and make sure you do it early enough that neither of you are too tired from the day to talk and then try out some of the things you’ve talked about. You’ll get much better results that way.

Talking about sex is not the easiest thing to do, but remember you can change things, if you’re willing to make the extra effort.

Sincerely,
Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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Lube 101: Wetter is Better

Our bodies are perfectly capable of providing us the tools for awesome sex. However, sometimes our bodies' natural lubricants just don't make for awesome intercourse in a pinch. (Think of the long, drawn out foreplay needed to get really wet, ladies.) As Megan Andelloux, the Founder and Director of the Center for Sexual Pleasure and Health, said in, "It's easy to have not enough lube and harder to have too much". In this article, Dr. Megan Stubbs offers useful advice on kinds of lubricants, how to use them best and tips on finding the right lube for you.

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It’s time, once and for all, to finally dispel the myth that lube is only for older women! Sorry Superbad, but Evan was right to be packing some lube for his sexual adventure with Becca.

Biologically, we naturally lubricate when we are sexually aroused. The lubrication produced helps facilitate sexual intercourse by reducing friction between the vagina and penis. But we don’t only have PV sex, and not all of us are having sex just to procreate. We engage in all kinds of sexual activities and most of the time our natural lubrication can’t keep up with the duration of our sex sessions. The use of lube is NOT a sign that you aren’t turned on enough or a cop out. Lube is a great staple to include in your solo and partnered sex life.

Like the colors of the rainbow, lube comes in many different varieties. Lubes can be water, silicone, or oil based - each with their benefits. Some things to keep in mind while lube shopping:

Flavored lubes, usually water based, are great for oral sex although I would caution you to try them before you buy them. You don’t want it to taste like cough medicine, unless that is your thing. You can usually find small sample sized packs of lube, flavored and regular, in stores. Think of it like bulk candy, buy a bunch and see which ones you like!

I would not recommend pairing oil based lubes with latex condoms because it can compromise the latex leading to breakage. Not good. Use water or silicone based lubrication instead.

Silicone lube is great for extended play and anal because it won’t dry out as quickly as water based lubricant.   The taste, however,  can be unpleasant and clean up can be a little more involved. It is latex friendly but do not pair it up with a silicone sex toy. The two together will cause your toy to disintegrate and become sticky and no one likes a sticky dildo.

Some lubes are touted as “anal specific” because they contain the numbing chemical benzocaine.  I do NOT recommend the use of these and you shouldn't want these kinds of lubrication. You need to know when something is hurting and being numb in the rear region can lead to injuries.  Plus sex is about pleasure.  I doubt using a numbing agent is anything close to an ideal sexual encounter.

New to the market are organic and natural lubes, and no, these aren’t just for tree-huggers and hippies. These lubes are great if you have chemical sensitivities to paraben or glycerin. They are also good if you are prone to yeast infections because of the sugars in regular lube. And for the animal lovers, they now make vegan lube too.

So next time you’re about to get down, reach for some lube. Whether it is a solo or partnered session, make sure you are adequately lubricated. Put a few drops inside of the condom before you put it on your partner for added sensation for them or try some warming lube to keep things hot. If you’re feeling a little dry its ok to stop and add some more lube to the party. The possibilities are endless. Find out what works for you, and when it comes to sex, everything is OK here.

Cross-posted with permission from SexologistMegan.

Dr. Megan Stubbs is a Grand Rapids-based Sexologist. She holds a doctor of education in Human Sexuality from San Francisco’s Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality and a degree in Biology from Grand Valley State University. She also Board Certified by the American College of Sexologists (ACS).

Dr. Megan is a firm believer that knowledge is power and that comprehensive sex education is not only valuable to budding teens, but to all of society. This Sexologist strives to break down the societal norms that sex is still a taboo subject and wants to normalize the conversation. She wants to empower everyone into taking control and respecting their sexuality. Megan is monthly contributor to the number one night-time radio show in West Michigan, Holmes and the Freakshow on 104.5 WSNX and also appears bi-weekly on a morning talk show, Take Five & Company on WZZM 13. Follow her on Twitter @sexologistmegan and 'Like' Megan on Facebook.

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The 10 Commandments of Sex & Food

Sex and food go together like peanut butter and jelly. We have already talked about why food and sex work so well together and how to spice things up in your kitchen. But when involving food and sex we should always follow a set of commandments. No one wants any spicy peppers or hot oils near our pleasure zones! Ouch! So if you are ready to bring some sexy food into your love life read on! Dr. Jenn is here with her 10 commandments concerning food and sex!

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Commandment #1

Many fresh fruits are sensual and nutritious. Choose five of different colors and shapes and create a fruit plate of foreplay.

Commandment #2 

Eating small amounts of dark chocolate is not only pleasing to your taste buds, it also raises your body’s endorphins.

Commandment #3 

Double the amount of time you usually spend eating a meal and chew each bite longer to truly experience the food

Commandment #4 

Pay attention to all five senses when you’re in the bedroom and be present with regard to the pleasant sensations felt in the moment.


Commandment #5 

Create your own aphrodisiacs – take turns once a week preparing or buying a meal or special food item that is all about pleasing your partner.

Commandment #6 

Eat a rainbow of fresh vegetables regularly for the high fiber and vitamins and minerals. A healthy you can lead to a healthy sex drive.

Commandment #7 

Spend 20 minutes eating an orange, alone or with a partner; be mindful of what it is like to make love to that orange.


Commandment #8 

If you are going to indulge in foods that you think are guilty pleasures, don’t feel guilty and just enjoy the experience (and the pleasures).

Commandment #9 

Never put sweet items in your vagina because the sugar can increase the chance of a bacterial infection.

Commandment #10 

Avoid foods that make you feel bloated and sluggish (fried foods, refined carbohydrates, rich cream sauces, saturated fats, or excessive sugar) – it doesn’t feel sexy!

Keeping these commandments in mind, go forth and enjoy your sexual experience with all your senses!

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter at  @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

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A Brief History of the Vibrator

We kinda love history. From the history of burlesque to dildos, we're a fan of understand the past and how it effects us today. Ever wonder how you lil' buddy came into being? We have already covered the history of the dildo, blow job, and Burlesque. Now it's time to discover where the vibrator came from! Dr. Jenn, (also known as Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD) gives us a quick and witty history of how this wonderful toy, or necessity, became a reality.

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Imagine it is 1880 and you are a London housewife. You are unsatisfied with your life, easily irritable, depressed and experiencing insomnia, so you seek a doctor for assistance. If you can afford Dr. Robert Dalrymple and his protégée Dr. Mortimer Granville, you would be diagnosed with “hysteria.” This was considered a plague of their time, a “disabling condition” for at least half the women of London. The cause of this plague? An “overactive uterus.” Here’s the best part: The treatment for hysteria was…(wait for it)…having your clitoris manually stimulated by your doctor until orgasm. I’m serious. This was a medical treatment to address the nervous system and help put a woman’s uterus back in order.

Luckily for Dr. Granville, the eager Dr. Dalrymple happened to have a friend and benefactor who was also a Lord of London and eccentric inventor. His latest invention was a steam-powered generator attached to a feather duster to ease the strains of housework. However, they saw the potential to extend this technology to ease the strains of Granville’s handiwork. The result? Multiple “paroxysms” in a quarter of the time. The marketability of this as a home product for the relaxation and health of women led to the invention of the portable home “massager,” the precursor to our favorite vibrators today.

I’ve known about the origins of the modern vibrator for many years, but "Hysteria" helped fill some confusing gaps for me. For example, how was it possible that the doctors didn’t know they were sexually pleasuring their female patients? How did they not know they were inducing an orgasm? Also, wasn’t this type of touching considered very personal and embarrassing? At the time, it was believed that women only experienced sexual pleasure through penetration of a penis. The doctors believed they were triggering a paroxysm which was understood to be a necessary outburst and release of emotion. And as depicted in the movie "Hysteria," the doctors provided their vulva massage to each patient behind a red velvet curtain, draped at the woman’s waist, to maintain modesty.

The history of the vibrator is confusing and truly ridiculous by today’s understanding of sexuality. Despite dabbling in serious topics, Hysteria takes a romantic comedy approach that is entertaining and accessible, but certainly not earth shattering. I recommend it as a worthy rental to tickle your sexual funny bone. And what movie about vibrators wouldn’t have a happy ending?

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box. Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

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Could Loving More Mean Hurting Less?

At GetLusty for Couples, we occasionally discuss polyamory. It can definitely be a viable alternative for couples looking to change up their relationship. You may not yet be ready for polyamory, as we aren't yet. As long as you have an amazing sexual relationship--that's what's most important! If you are polyamorous, does that mean you're less likely to be violent? How much does the act of defining your sexuality influence your life for the better? Technogeisha, our polyswinging and poly-advocate, is here to talk about how poly relationships might actually decrease domestic violence.

Quick editorial note: Why does GetLusty care about violence (or lack of it)? Talking about sexuality, we talk about where we've come. Since many of us (at least 1 in 5) have encountered violence--sexual or physical--which we're still scarred by, violence is an issue we seriously care about.

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Recently, in Long Beach, CA two girls decided they needed to meet after school to fight. A couple of hours later, one of the girls was rushed to the hospital and later succumbed to unknown injuries. What struck me about this story was the fact that this girl died just weeks before her 11th birthday and that they met to fight over a boy. I was trying to wrap my head around the concept that two fifth grade girls felt they had to meet in an alley to throw down over a guy like guests on an episode of The Jerry Springer Show. They only tussled for about a minute, no weapons were involved and no one fell to the ground. When others tried to intervene, some boys stopped them because they wanted to watch the girls fight. How does this kind of jealousy and rivalry start so early?

Since reading "Sex at Dawn”, I was beginning to realize that I’ve become more sensitive to news like this. There seems to be a steady stream of these crimes of passion. Plus, the news has no problem serving up stories like the astronaut who drove across the country to kill her rival, or the Orange County woman who cut off her husband’s penis and said, “He deserved it.” There are endless reports about people who suspect infidelity and then run off to kill or maim both their spouse and the alleged lover.

Up until recently, a man could be considered justified in a case like this and the charges dismissed. It’s the subject of books, movies, television shows and songs. The need to possess and control someone has been strong enough to make people react in ways from the extreme to the petty. It made me wonder what domestic violence and homicide crime rates would look like if people managed their jealousy and possessiveness better. Are people in open relationships less likely to let these feelings push them into hurting someone? Are there fewer instances of homicide and abuse among the non-monogamous?

Statistics

An extensive online search only provided general statistics, proving that there is very little research available on the subject. The Department of Justice Statistics state women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner or family member than by strangers. Violence resulting in homicide against women was perpetrated by someone they knew intimately 30% of the time.

Homicide committed by a stranger was just under 9% with 28% as unknown. Conversely, only 5% of men were involved in intimate partner violence. It’s estimated that intimate partner violence claims the lives of three women and one man every day. These reports don’t get into detail other than gender, race and weapon, so there were no specific reasons behind these attacks. I had to search elsewhere to find more about what drives people to hurt their partner.

Why Hurt?

An interesting article on the TLC Family website by Jonathan Strickland tries to tackle the question “Why do we kill?” There is a percentage that has to do with anti-social behavior and a lack of empathy. Then, there is the emotional component that leads to the aforementioned crime of passion. Jealousy, revenge, anger and fear could provide sufficient motivation to lead someone to commit an act of violence. The desire to control someone emotionally and physically can also drive people to act before using introspection or dialogue to find a passive and proactive solution.

The book, "Why Do They Kill: Men Who Murder Their Intimate Partners," by David Abrams, found the reasons were less a “crime of passion” and more about long-standing grievances that escalate over time. Substance abuse, distrust, and a disdain for women were also factors that Dr. Katherine Van Warner (another prolific author on domestic violence) pointed out in an online interview about domestic violence and how it is derived from a patriarchal society.

Van Warner states, “But there are many other factors such as alcohol and other drug use which removes inhibitions, stress related to global competition as reflected in employment, and psychological factors, which may be the most crucial factor of all. The psychological portrait of the male abuser is of an insecure man, who is possessive of his wife/partner and who isolates her so he can control her. Typically, he has been abused in childhood. This man doesn’t know how to love and trust.”

Open Relationships

I had hoped to find a few statistics in the context of open marriages and poly relationships but came up empty-handed. I could not pin down whether people in open relationships reacted less violently than those in monogamous relationships, either. There is little desire in mainstream circles to document these statistics. Whether a couple is open or monogamous was never asked in either statistical reports or surveys. It seems easy to assume the answers lie only in jealousy and the emotions that go with it because of the information available. This makes it seem like the triggers for domestic violence and intimate partner homicide are more complicated than we might think.

Anti-social behavior, substance abuse and mental instability are factors that can’t be dealt with by simply keeping an open mind about relationships. Domestic violence happens even in open relationships. Embracing the open lifestyle doesn’t eliminate the prospect of infidelity, the feelings of jealousy, nor does it eliminate other factors in abuse.

The only thing open relationships may be able to provide are better tools and understanding to deal with it. More research on the subject may tell us if there is any decrease in the likelihood of violence in non-monogamous relationships. Monogamous couples can learn a lot from open and poly folk. Taking the time to rethink their reactions, taking responsibility for their own emotions and not to forcing others to change to accommodate their insecurities could help people when making life-altering decisions. It won’t save everyone but it could save a few relationships and might save a few lives in the process.

Cross posted with permission from Life on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasy's and other sites. Subscribe to her Facebook feed on Miko Technogeisha and follow her on Twitter at @Technogeisha.

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Why Won’t He Have Sex With Me?

Being fresh into a relationship can come up with numerous questions. Though many of our readers are in long-term relationships, we can remember thinking back to year one. Things were wonderful, but sometimes these new relationships come with some problems. What happens when your lover doesn't want to have sex? This question came from one of our followers, and what better way to introduce J. Cameron Gantt, the Insti(Gay)tor, and our go-to-gay for newly coupled dates and relationships!

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Dear GetLusty for Couples,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, but for the last 6 months I feel like we are stuck. Basically, we don’t have sex anymore. We used to have it on a daily basis and it was amazing. But lately it seems like he avoids it at all costs. He even goes as far as to start arguments with me just to kill the mood.

A few weeks ago, I caught him jerking off while looking at porn and he was totally into it…until he finally unglued his eyes from the screen and looked up. I wasn’t even mad at the fact that he was looking at porn, I was more upset because I felt betrayed. I have been sexually starved for 6 months, breaking my back trying to get our sex life back on track, and he’s been having jerk-fest at 3am while he thinks I’m asleep. I have tried to discuss this with him and even now he refuses to talk about it.

I love him, but I can’t hold out any longer. I don’t want to end things, but I have been considering cheating on him. If I do, I know that there will be no coming back from that. What can I do to help save things?

Sincerely
Billy Blu Balls, 35

Dear Billy Blu Balls,

Thanks for sharing! I am so sorry you are going through this. Bad sex is just as bad as no sex and both can drive a guy insane. Hopefully, my advice can help you get things back on track.

I don’t know your boyfriend, but I suspect that there is something deeper going on with him. Typically when sex patterns change, it is indicative that something deeper is going on. Maybe there has been a drastic change in another area of his life that has transitioned into the bedroom. Maybe he is having some self-esteem issues or maybe he’s addicted to porn…who knows. There is no real way for you to know for sure unless you two start communicating. Whatever he is going through is beyond your control and things aren’t going to get better unless he is willing to engage with you.

This is what I want you to remember: your needs are important, and though sex may not be the most important aspect of a relationship, it is a valid one (at least in the top 5). I appreciate your honesty but the fact that you are admitting to wanting to cheat on him may be a sign that this may not be the right relationship for you.

Here’s what I suggest:

Your relationship with him is still fairly new. We’d like to think that a year is a long period of time but the reality is that you two are barely scratching the surface of getting to know each other. I suggest you guys pull a “Ross and Rachel” and take a break. It sounds like both of you may need some space and figure out what type of relationship you have now, and the type of relationship you want to have moving forward.

The break shouldn’t last longer than 2 weeks and you make it a point not to contact each other until that period is over. During this time, you should focus on you and what you want and let him focus on him. At the end of the break, meet up in a neutral territory so you can get reacquainted with each other. Both of you should be open and honest about your wants and needs. See if there is any opportunity to repair what has been broken and, if you are both game, work together to and commit to making things better. I would even suggest hiring a helping professional to assist in moderating to avoid slipping back into the same old pattern. If you decide to break things off, make it a clean break and commit to living your best single gay sex life.

Either way, focus your time and energy on moving forward and not feeling stuck.

I hope things work out for you,
J. Cameron

J. Cameron Gantt is a Matchmaker and Certified Professional Coach specializing in gay dating and relationships. He is the founder of Insti(Gay)tor, a Chicago-based matchmaking agency for the gay community and has dedicated to his time to helping gay singles find love and live their best gay lives.

Cameron currently serves as an expert contributor on a variety of dating websites including Yourtango.com and Singleswarehouse.net. He also hosts a variety of GLBT singles events in the Chicagoland area. Connect with him on Twitter @instigaytor, Facebook and at Instigaytor.com.

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3 Stretches for Better Thrusting During Sex

One of the best things you can do for your sex life is regular exercise. Constantly working on your stamina as well as regularly using your muscles to keep them limber and strong is a direct payoff. So what is the down side? Getting into a regular exercise routine can be harder than we give it credit for.
Our newest staff writer, Brittany Meyer, is here to help with the top 5 stretches to enhance your sex live with being more limber for stronger thrusts.

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Comedienne Lynne Koplitz jokes that sex when you’re younger is an event. You prepare, stretch and eat lighter meals. We find it laughable. But why don’t we put more effort into preparing for sex? It is easy to see how needing to eat a lighter meal or going to the gym earlier that day could make obvious improvements in our sexual endeavors but so many people take these small tasks for granted. I can understand that we have many things happening in our lives ranging from fun to obligations that we cannot commit everything we do to our sex lives but we should all be taking small steps to help improve it.

For those of you in a transition period where you would like to be more agile for sex but are having time commitment issues, we would like to offer a medium! Regular stretching is one of the best ways to keep yourself limber and will help avoid cramping while giving you more energy. These can be done for 20 minutes as a morning routine or even a 10 minutes warm-up for the bedroom in the evening.

We use all the muscles in our body for sex but there are 5 major groups we recommend you focus your stretches on; Back, stomach, buttocks, hips and hamstrings. In Part 1, we reviewed hips and hamstrings. Did you see our other article on stretching other muscle groups for better sex? While we recommend you pay the most attention to the muscle groups you will be using the most (depending on the positions you prefer to do), these are the major muscles that you will typically use.

When you are going through these stretches, don't be afraid to incorporate small stretching techniques you are familiar with as you go to keep the blood flowing and keep yourself comfortable. As a reminder about stretching, always do it at your own level. The stretches described below are only the recommended procedure; adjust them to your abilities so you do not overexert yourself! Nothing is worse than pulling a muscle when you are working towards improving your sex life.

#1 Don't put your back out (the back stretch)

Why the abs and lower back?

Core power. The abs and lower back muscles are used for the thrusting motions of sex. Finnish researchers say that people with weak core muscles are more than three times more likely to suffer from lower back pain. Strong abs also hold your belly so it won’t flop over and get in the way of business.

This stretch is relaxing and a beginner level so it's very easy to do. This was aided by Discovery Channel's back stretch article.

How to get into it:

Lay on your back with your legs flat on the ground. Bring both legs up your chest. Then, grab the underside of your knees. Hold this for 30-60 seconds (always at your own level!) and then release and lay flatly on the ground again.

#2 Thrust with a stronger core (the ab stretch)


Again, strong abdominals--as well as a strong pelvic floor--is beneficial for multiple areas of sex, including improved thrusting, as well as more powerful orgasms.

While this is a common stretch, it is also low impact and reaches many of the muscles throughout the stomach.

How to get into it:

Lay on your stomach with your arms at your side. Using your arms only as braces, lay your forearms on the ground by your side and pull your upper body up as if you are looking straight forward while your hips stay locked on the ground.

Once you stretch those upper stomach muscles, you can modify the exercise to extending your arms all the way so you are supported by your hands flat on the ground with your hips still locked down. You will notice you will have a much more severe arch and will feel the stretch from your upper stomach down to your pelvis. Hold for 15 seconds at first and repeat for a longer time if you can.

#3 Get your blood pumping (with glute muscule AKA butt stretches)

Butt muscles (also known as glutes and hamstrings) are absolute wonderful when you're getting into various positions, including woman-on-top. Also, workouts for your lower body can increase blood flow "In your [bodies'] Southern Hemisphere" says explains Debbie Mandel, MA, a stress and fitness expert and the author of, "Addicted to Stress: A Woman’s 7-Step Program to Reclaim Joy and Spontaneity in Life."

Some may find these more helpful than others but since your gluts are integral with your hips, back and hamstrings, it is good to add some focus to this part of your body for maximum flexibility and comfort.

How to get into it:

Lay on your back again with your legs at rest and your feet flat on the floor. Cross your left ankle over your right thigh and grab the underside of your right thigh. Pull your thigh to your stomach bringing your foot as far in as you can to your body. Hold for 15 seconds. Switch and repeat with your right ankle. The easier it feels the longer you can hold the position.


Brittany just moved to Chicago after finishing her degree from FSU and arrived with a thirst to learn about everything that has to do with sex. Having been involved with The F-Word, The Vagina Monologues, amateur drag and a Human Sexuality course, she is a very sex positive lady. When she's not admiring architecture or looking for a design job, Brittany does stand-up comedy and thinks of ways to make people on the CTA feel uncomfortable. She also eats high-fives for breakfast.  Follow her on twitter @sedanimal. E-mail her at brittany@getlusty.com.

Disclaimer: This information is solely for informational purposes. It is not intended to provide medical advice. Neither the Editors of GetLusty for Couples, Passionate Productions LLC, the author nor publisher take responsibility for any possible consequences from any treatment, procedure, exercise, dietary modification, action or application of medication which results from reading or following the information contained in this information. The publication of this information does not constitute the practice of medicine, and this information does not replace the advice of your physician or other health care provider. Before undertaking any course of treatment, the reader must seek the advice of their physician or other health care provider.

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Podcast! Cheryl Sloane on Pleasing Your Partner & Owning Your Sexuality

G boutique opened in Chicago in 2002 as a lingerie and sex toy shop owned and operated by women, for women. Ten years later, it is one of the city's premier boutiques for selling top-notch products in an environment that is both comforting and empowering for women. At GetLusty, we're all about taking control of your own sexuality, so we caught up with owner Cheryl Sloane and recorded it for your listening pleasure. Here's what she had to say:

More on what we talked about:

• Why the need for a shop like G Boutique? According to Cheryl, "To create an environment that promotes sexual education and a place where women can feel comfortable buying anything they needed for sex and romance."
• Her advice to newer couples who are still getting to know each other? Take time to find out what pleases your significant other and learn about them — while orgasms are great, there is more to a healthy relationship than just climaxing!
• Having difficulty achieving an orgasm with your partner? There may be lingering emotional, biological and physical factors involved, but relaxation and communication are key, Cheryl believes.
• What are Cheryl's recommendations for couples looking to keep things fresh and exciting? If you have an interest in something, research it and get the information first before discussing it with your partner, so you can have an educated conversation and explore those secret fantasies together. (Hint, hint — Check out GetLusty!)

More about Cheryl:

Born and raised in Chicago, Cheryl Sloane lived and worked in Bucktown in Chicago for 15 years before opening g boutique. Here's how it happened: Cheryl and (former co-owner) Kari wanted to write erotic fiction. 

After many brunches they got this crazy idea that Chicago wanted a boutique where women would feel comfortable buying everything they need for romance. Without a retail background, Cheryl called upon her theatre friends to help design a comfortable boutique where people would enjoy shopping. G boutique was always imagined as a place to build and support community. That was in 2002. Now, ten years later, she is thrilled to be helping people explore their intimate relationships in a safe, friendly environment. Connect with Cheryl and the g boutique staff on their website, on Facebook and Twitter @gboutique, or visit G Boutique, located at 2131 North Damen in Chicago, Illinois.

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6 Types of Sit Ups for Better Posture

A key component of amazing sex is a healthy body! Have you ever noted how your posture influences your mood? What others think and feel about you?  When was the last time you did a situp, anyway? Well, you're right. A strong core--including stomach/ab muscles can greatly improve your posture. A good way to work those abs out? Sit ups! But not any ol' sit-ups. GetLusty staff writer and fitness writer, Arturo Chilaca, is here to talk about the first in his series on fitness for better sex. Six kinds of sit ups (that you may never have tried)!

Disclaimer: Please be mindful of your body. If something hurts, please don't keep doing it. Consult your doctor before trying a new fitness and diet regimen. Please don't sue GetLusty for Couples.

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A key factor to sexuality is your posture. Your stance alone can easily identify the kind of person you are. Whether you slouch over or stand with confidence. You don’t need to have the perfect face or body to be sexy. It’s all about confidence in your character and yourself. Sit-ups help with your posture as well as tone the muscles that both sexes find extremely attractive.

There are hundreds of sit-ups to do, but I am going to list some simple sit ups to advance that work out your abdominal muscles to the V cut which many people struggle to get. Either way, having a strong core is great for your mind, body and sexuality. So stay strong and start with these sit ups!

The order is from easiest to hardest. 

#1 The traditional sit-up

The easiest to start with you lay flat on the ground bend your knees and keep your feet flat on the ground. You keep your hands either behind your head hands interlaced or keep them in front of you crossed over your chest. If you’re a beginner, this exercise will require you to have someone hold your feet in place. If you are at that advance stage, do the sit up without anyone holding your feet. Make sure your feet aren't moving all over the place, though. Simply go up till your elbows pass your knees and go back down.

#2 Crunches

Similar to the sit up. The only difference is instead of going all the way up. You only go up half-way so using your abdominal muscles. You can also criss-cross each hand on your shoulders for slightly less support.

#3 Bicycles

You start similar to the sit up. Except now you lift your legs off the ground and keep them bent in the air. Your hands stay behind your head interlaced. You bring your left knee and right elbow to touch as close as you can while your right leg straightens out. Come back to the starting position and do the same for the right knee and left elbow. The faster you can do this work out the better, the more of a burn you feel.

#3 Bent leg raise

How to get into this one? Lay flat on your back knees bent and you place your hands at the lower part of your back. Then, bring your legs into your chest and then extend them outward, keeping your feet 6 inches above the ground and chin to your chest. Hold this position for 60 seconds, then bring them back into your chest and back to placing your feet flat on the floor again.

#4 Side bridge

For this exercise, start on your side stack. Your feet on top of each other and your forearm under your shoulder, your other hand placed over your belly button or on your hip. Lift your hips off the floor keep your body in a straight line from head to toe. Do this exercise for 60 seconds (or start off with 20 seconds and work your way up), then switch over to your side and repeat the same steps.

#5 V-Up

For the starting position, lay flat on the ground with your hands at a forty-five degree angle, palms facing downward. Your head is tucked into your chest about one to two inches off the ground. Then, raise your upper body and legs up in the shape of a V as your hands stay flat on the ground. Bring your body back down slowly keeping your head and feet off the ground. Your feet should be about two inches off the ground when returning to the start position. Start off with at least 10 to get a feel for the exercise.

#6 Leg tuck and twist

The starting position is you sitting down hands placed by your hips with your legs slightly off the ground creating a forty five degree angle with your body.

First, bring your legs to the left side of your body as close as you can. Then return to the starting position and have your legs go to right side. This is a four count sit up. That's considered one!

Well done, GetLusty readers. You've worked out your abs and gotten closer to having great health and a positive posture.

Arturo Chilaca has a wealth of knowledge on health. He's a workout buff, Army reserve and helping others become fit. Favorite things to do would be workout, basketball, helping other get into shape, and enjoying a good movie. Arturo is a very open-minded guy and he wants to make the most of life in gain new experiences constantly. Get in touch with him at editorial@getlusty.com. 

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Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Pegging Reviewed

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Sexual Role Play 101 for Couples

Role playing is always a fun way to have more sexual adventures. With some negotiation and a safe word, and lots of consent, role-playing can be amazingly, orgasmic foreplay to sex or great on its own!

Tracy Cooper-Posey, author of hot erotic paranormal romance novels, is here with ways to get started with role-playing if you are a newbie! Get ready to have some fun with these great tips and inspirational role-playing ideas!

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Does the thought of her dressing up like a real hooker make you roll your eyes at the childishness of it all? If the idea of him playing doctor to your nurse makes you cringe or blush, read on.

You’ve been missing out on a whole, well, closet full of sexual fun and adventure. If you’re not sure how to start, or not sure you even want to, consider this: Sexual role-playing is one of the easiest and safest ways to spice up a committed couple’s sex life, and it has endless variations and possibilities.

But if you feel stupid doing it, it’s not going to work for you. You have to ease yourself into the role, the mood and the role-playing mindset. So, we’ve outlined a few simple steps for doing just that.

What is role play?

Sexual role-playing, apart from being enormously fun, usually involves you and your partner (but you can take your role playing public, if you’re careful), taking on roles in a sexual fantasy that is part of foreplay and highly arousing. The role-playing may or may not involve wearing costumes or clothing. It could simply involve donning a different persona or character. Some very elaborate role-playing can involve entire sets, scenery, props, and extras (additional people who are aware of the fantasy being played out and enhance it by acting their part).

6 role play ideas:

#1 Doctor and nurse 

Traditionally, the doctor is the man, but these days the roles could be played by either gender. However, the appeal of the fantasy is the costumes…and not scrubs, either!

#2 Tradesman and housewife

A strange tradesman enters the housewife’s home and the interaction that ensues is up to the couple….

#3 Photographer and model

The photography session starts out innocently enough… Slave and Master: There is virtually no need to explain this one. It is limited only by your imagination and personal comfort zones. Gender roles can be switched around for this one, too.

#4 Teacher and student 

I don’t think there’s too many men who haven’t enjoyed the idea of having a girl-woman in short pleated skirt and bobby socks at their command. Again, this is a fantasy that can switch genders happily.

#5 Hooker/Escort and client

From street walker to high paid escort, the variations in this one are endless. And with some imagination, the gender roles can easily be reversed, too.

#6 Stripper and client

You can make this as authentic as you want…or not. “No touching” adds an element of teasing that increases the effectiveness of any home-grown lap dance.


Create your own role play versions

The common element in all these popular fantasies is that they have a position of power in them. The doctor, the master, the teacher, the hooker, the photographer and the trademan are all able to control their counterparts in some way, either because of their positions of authority or because of the situation they are in.

These are not situations and roles we normally find ourselves in from day to day, which is what provides the rush of novelty and pleasure in role-playing. They are also often roles and situations that edge into dark areas of human nature, such as the master/slave scenario.

Because this is role-playing, it allows us to explore such situations in a way that is safe and consensual. As long as you and your partner thoroughly discuss your role-playing beforehand, even such role-playing as forced-sex is possible (see basic rules, below).

3 ways to ease into role play

#1 Start with something simple

If the whole idea of dressing up and pretending to be someone else makes your eyes roll, but you’re still curious about role-playing, then don’t dress up. Pick a scenario that involves only street clothes, or not dressing up at all. Keep it short and simple.

#2 Drop all your inhibitions and reservations 

The first few times you try role-playing, you have to willingly and actively cooperative to make it work. That means taking a deep breath, dropping all your skepticism, and playing the part assigned to you, no matter how silly you feel. At first you may feel completely stupid, but it passes. You have to get into the role and let your mind take over. Remember that your brain is the biggest errogeneous zone you have. Once you’re past the initial awkwardness, you’ll become aroused and after that you’ll wonder why you waited so long to try this.

#3 Experiment with more complex scenarios

As you become more comfortable and grow to enjoy role-playing, you and your partner can extend the scenarios, the costumes and the settings. The variations are truly endless.

5 basic rules to remember

There are some simple precautions you should bear in mind when role-playing.

#1 Preparation is key

Talk, talk, talk with your partner. Make sure you both know exactly what the scenario is supposed to be, and your roles within it.

#2 Know what is on the blacklist

Related to #1, but opposite. While you should both know what to expect, you should both know what not to do. What you partner is worried about happening (or not happening) within the scenario. No one should be forced into doing what they don’t want to do.

#3 Have a safe word 

The BDSM world provided this handy little practice and it’s a good one. A safe word has to be a word unlikely to be spoken within the scenario: “Pineapples,” or “Suffragettes!” Your partner can’t simply cry ‘no!’ or ‘stop!’ as these words may be part of their role-playing. But if they utter the safe word, you’ll know you need to cease what you’re doing immediately.

#4 Pick a scenario that suits both of you

You need a situation that turns you both on. Sometimes a simple shift in a situation (high class hooker rather than street walker) or costume (see through floor length robe rather than crotch-length satin) makes the difference so it works for both of you. If not, finding a different fantasy altogether might be necessary.

Don’t forget, what doesn’t work this time may appeal at a later date, especially if it’s only a luke-warm response. Don’t cross scenarios off your list forever. Circle back to them another time and reconsider them. Again, talking beforehand will smooth out a lot of the wrinkles.

#5 Deconstruct each role-playing occassion 

Quarterbacking after the game may seem cold and crass, but for role-playing it enhances the next occasion. Stopping in the middle of a scenario to make suggestions about language or technique can ruin the mood and the role-playing is broken, so discussion is best kept for afterwards. This is when you can--and should--provide as much feedback as you can to your partner about what worked for you and what didn’t, down to the smallest details, and including the language they used, any props, scenery, etc.

You should also tell them what you wished they had done. Your partner should do the same for you and you need to pay attention. It is the details that can ruin or enhance a fantasy. Each time you enact a scenario, and deconstruct it afterwards, you are getting a step closer to your partner’s ideal fantasies… and yours. 

Tracy Cooper-Posey is a #1 Amazon best selling indie author of hot erotic paranormal romance and romantic suspense. She has been nominated for 5 CAPAs including Favourite Author, and won the Emma Darcy Award. Her books have been nominated three times for Book Of The Year. On her popular blog she posts about MMF romance, vampires sexuality and the intersection of fiction and sex. An Australian, she lives in Edmonton, Canada with her husband, a professional wrestler. Find Tracy at her blog, Facebook, Twitter @TracyCP or  at Amazon!

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