Tell Your Partner Who Else You Are Attracted To

No matter how much you may love your partner, it's only natural to still notice other people you find attractive. Whether it's an innocent glance or a full on stare, you'll still look at others and let your thoughts wander. On the other hand, if you catch your partner committing such an act, it is only natural to assume the worst instead of figuring that its simply an innocent check-out. Dr. Jenn offers her advice on how couples should handle this issue in which the answer is not deterrence, but acceptance.

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“You know, I thought that the person who waited on us at the restaurant last night was hot and I noticed I was attracted to them.”

How would you feel if your significant other said this to you? Would you feel insecure about yourself and freak out with jealousy? That is the likely response for many people.

We generally believe that it is not appropriate to talk with our current partner about how attracted we are to someone else. We learn that jealousy is the appropriate and justified response, since we have the romantic notion that our partner should never notice anyone else. If they do, our insecurities kick in, and we assume it means that we are not lovable enough, special enough, or good enough, and our partner might leave us. While this interpretation seems to be natural, it is not the only interpretation available.

It is natural to notice people you perceive as attractive, whether you are in a committed relationship or not. Pretending that it doesn’t happen does not make those thoughts go away. I think it is important to keep the doors of communication open around topics like this. Otherwise, when natural occurrences like this become shameful or judged, they can become more powerful. What we resist, persists.

I am not suggesting that you should share every libidinous thought with your partner. It could be difficult and downright overwhelming to hear continual commentary about who arouses your partner. I think that tact is important in building comfort in sharing around potentially sensitive topics. It is also important to learn that when your partner finds someone else attractive, it is not a reflection on you.

Why am I even recommending this at all? Because I believe people would be less likely to cheat if they established a foundation of openness and trust in the beginning of their relationship by sharing such topics. When we admit that we feel attraction to others, share this with our partner, and then choose to remain committed in our partnership, it creates a bond of trust and honesty that can bring couples emotionally closer in the long run.

Cross posted with permission from Dr. Jenn's Den.

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box.

Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter at  @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

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3 Ways to Talk About Sex with Your Partner

As we've seen, communicating about sex (think: sexual gratitude, integrating communication into sex or sexual negotiation 101) can really enhance your experience. We all have it. Now how about talking about it? Our favorite sex sexologists and relationship conseling couple, the 'Love Birds' Chuck and Jo Ann, are back talking about--talking about sex!

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In our culture, sex is something we think about often but rarely actually talk about. According to a recent Ohio State University study, men think about sex about 18 times each day, while women think about sex 10 times a day. What the study didn’t indicate, however, was how many times couples — who between them think about sex 28 times every day — actually talk about sex with each other.

Our culture uses sex to sell cars, beer, snack foods and even household cleaners, when sex should actually be used to bring our relationships closer and heighten our intimacy and enjoyment of our relationships. No, really. Don’t believe me? Watch a romantic comedy film. Any romantic comedy. Here’s what you’ll see:

Boy meets girl (usually Jennifer Aniston). Boy gets girl. Boy has massive misunderstanding with girl because they communicate like they’re talking on cell phones with spotty signals. Boy’s deadbeat, drunken, loser best friend concocts stupid plan to reunite boy with girl. All hell breaks loose. Boy gets girl despite various stupid human tricks because — wait for it — he talks to her honestly. The end.

So, let’s get over it and look at some ideas on what we all need to do in order to talk openly with our partners about sex:

#1 Expand your vocabulary

Words are a really key part of communication. The problem is that there are some words used in discussions about sex that aren’t really good “out-loud” words, and many of us never learned how to use them properly outside of when we yell at drivers who cut us off on the highway. If you’re going to really talk about what you want, you need to use all the words that both you and your partner understand. Pointing and gesturing isn’t enough.

#2 Don't traumatize your partner

Many times when people aren’t getting what they want out of sex, they focus on the things they don’t like about their partner’s style or actions. That’s never a good place to start. Instead, begin with the things you like, and accentuate the positive. “I like it when you do this. I’d like it if you did that more, and maybe you could add doing that and the other thing, too.” It’s better to gently guide your partner, instead of making demands. Laying in bed with your partner as they make love to you while flipping through the cable channels and mumbling, “No, a little to the left. No.. not there yet. Softer? No teeth! I’m not a chew toy. I wonder who’s on Leno tonight?!” is probably not going to get you what you want, and it may leave your partner traumatized. Work from the things they do right and you’ll be able to eliminate the things they don’t do right with a lot more ease and without hurting their feelings.

#3 Set the mood

When you want to talk about sex, don’t do it as you’re cooking dinner, with the kids chasing the dog around the house. Use your quiet, private time together for that conversation. Kill the lights, light some candles, and make sure you do it early enough that neither of you are too tired from the day to talk and then try out some of the things you’ve talked about. You’ll get much better results that way.

Talking about sex is not the easiest thing to do, but remember you can change things, if you’re willing to make the extra effort.

Sincerely,
Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird

Drs. Chuck and Jo-Ann Bird and are Board Certified Clinical Sexologists and Relationship Counselors. They co-counsel couples together which offers a unique and balanced male/female perspective and a combined therapy/coaching approach to helping their clients with a variety of relationship and sexual issues/concerns. Due to our last name and work they do, they've become known as “The Love Birds”.

They have 16 + years of personal experience in a healthy, loving and successful relationship. We know how to solve problems and work through difficulties that couples may face on a daily basis. We know ways to keep relationships strong and healthy. We offer you tools and strategies that can make positive changes in your relationship. Find out more about Chuck. Alternatively, find out more about Jo-Ann. Also, follow them on Twitter and 'Like' them on Facebook.

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A Brief History of the Vibrator

We kinda love history. From the history of burlesque to dildos, we're a fan of understand the past and how it effects us today. Ever wonder how you lil' buddy came into being? We have already covered the history of the dildo, blow job, and Burlesque. Now it's time to discover where the vibrator came from! Dr. Jenn, (also known as Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD) gives us a quick and witty history of how this wonderful toy, or necessity, became a reality.

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Imagine it is 1880 and you are a London housewife. You are unsatisfied with your life, easily irritable, depressed and experiencing insomnia, so you seek a doctor for assistance. If you can afford Dr. Robert Dalrymple and his protégée Dr. Mortimer Granville, you would be diagnosed with “hysteria.” This was considered a plague of their time, a “disabling condition” for at least half the women of London. The cause of this plague? An “overactive uterus.” Here’s the best part: The treatment for hysteria was…(wait for it)…having your clitoris manually stimulated by your doctor until orgasm. I’m serious. This was a medical treatment to address the nervous system and help put a woman’s uterus back in order.

Luckily for Dr. Granville, the eager Dr. Dalrymple happened to have a friend and benefactor who was also a Lord of London and eccentric inventor. His latest invention was a steam-powered generator attached to a feather duster to ease the strains of housework. However, they saw the potential to extend this technology to ease the strains of Granville’s handiwork. The result? Multiple “paroxysms” in a quarter of the time. The marketability of this as a home product for the relaxation and health of women led to the invention of the portable home “massager,” the precursor to our favorite vibrators today.

I’ve known about the origins of the modern vibrator for many years, but "Hysteria" helped fill some confusing gaps for me. For example, how was it possible that the doctors didn’t know they were sexually pleasuring their female patients? How did they not know they were inducing an orgasm? Also, wasn’t this type of touching considered very personal and embarrassing? At the time, it was believed that women only experienced sexual pleasure through penetration of a penis. The doctors believed they were triggering a paroxysm which was understood to be a necessary outburst and release of emotion. And as depicted in the movie "Hysteria," the doctors provided their vulva massage to each patient behind a red velvet curtain, draped at the woman’s waist, to maintain modesty.

The history of the vibrator is confusing and truly ridiculous by today’s understanding of sexuality. Despite dabbling in serious topics, Hysteria takes a romantic comedy approach that is entertaining and accessible, but certainly not earth shattering. I recommend it as a worthy rental to tickle your sexual funny bone. And what movie about vibrators wouldn’t have a happy ending?

Jennifer Gunsaullus, PhD, is a sociologist, sexuality speaker, and sex therapist, with a passion for challenging people to sexually think outside the box. Dr. Jenn is a public speaker on topics including healthy relationships, love, gender, mindfulness, erotic play, and happiness. She counsels individuals and couples, in person and over Skype, to assist in creating and maintaining open communication and fulfilling intimacy. Dr. Jenn is a contributing writer for Pacific San Diego Magazine and is a sex and relationship expert on Fox 5 news and San Diego Living. Follow her on Twitter @DrJennsDen and Facebook.

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Jill Abrahams on Why Embrace Your Sexuality

Women's sexuality. It's one of those things that's near and dear to our hearts. At GetLusty, we're all some form feminists so we place a great importance on defining and empowering women's sexuality. We interviewed Jill Abrahams, the Executive Producer/Founder of CherryTV, to get her take on what led to her embracing her sexuality and beliefs.

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How did you get to starting CherryTV? Why did you start it? What's your story?

I started CherryTV because the content that I desired wasn’t available. This blog post provides much of the information. This fact sheet attached was included in our press kit when we launched in 2008. And the featured video of our indiegogo campaign also gives great background!

Why is women's sexuality important to you?

I went for years thinking I was “broken.” I also didn’t enjoy sex and understand what the big deal was – and therefore felt inadequate in bed. And I felt alone … that I was the only one who felt this way. Upon learning that other women go through similar experiences – and beginning the journey in overcoming my hurdles … I wanted to help others. They say the most important things in life are having someone to love and to have work in which you feel inspired by. The notion that I could use my professional experience to help women feel more confident, comfortable and fulfilled in bed was a awesome.

Do you consider yourself a feminist? 

Yes despite the fact that I’m not really sure what it means anymore. Do I believe men and women deserve equality in all accounts – yes. Do I believe American society oppresses women – yes!

If so/ if not, why? We live in a patriarchal society in which men make the rules. If men were the ones to get pregnant – abortion and birth control would be a non-issue. The “establishment” has kept women down – and whatever we can do to correct that is worthwhile.

In terms of sex -- I do believe men and women are different in the way they relate to each other on an intimate level. And while we all want to be cherished, loved and respected – the way in which the different sexes (and note, I’m not saying gender – because that’s really not within my area of expertise. CherryTV is basically a hetero-normative site for women) need their appreciate for the other expressed tend to be different based simply on biology.

If women would embrace our sexuality, what would that look like?

I think women would feel they have more of a voice in the bedroom – a right (and obligation) to tell their partner what they want and how they are feeling. I also believe women would no longer feel they need to “perform” in bed – be the sex partner they’re man wants – and as opposed to an equal part of the equation. I would like to believe women would also become more comfortable with their “womanly” bodies – and not feel obligated to fit in to the media-dictated ideal.

If we embraced our sexuality I also believe women would, in general, feel a greater sense of strength and agency in all their activities. We would exhibit, I like to think (and know from personal experience) an increased ownership over work and environment. For example – women have a harder time discussing salary during job interviews than men. What’s up with that? If we felt empowered sexually, I like to think it would “trickle down” into all our activities. I often think, and remind my girlfriends, “would a man handle it that way??”

Lastly, if we were able to increase our belief in the power of our sexuality Mae West would become a bigger icon than Marilyn Monroe. Marilyn represented the female ideal for men, Mae West on the other hand was in control; unabashedly a women in command of her sexuality.

If you had three tips for women to feel sexier, what would they be? 

Masturbate regularly – switch it up, if need be, between manual and vibrator; Realize media’s idealization of the perfect female body is unrealistic and most men love “having something to grab on to.” Embrace the fact that you can have great sex without being “sexy” in the way mainstream culture dictates.

Tell your partner exactly what you like and want – if it’s more kissing, touching, AND compliments… whatever. Sensuality is both physical and emotional – and knowing your partner desires you is a turn on that resonates throughout our being. Compliments, just like the increased closeness experienced from physical intimacy, effect our well being and sexual selves!

How do you use your own sexuality to live a better life? 

As someone who is comfortable with her sexuality, I have found that my sense of “friskiness” (in the appropriate setting) rubs off on others. People are therefore more open and relaxed – and we all have a better time. I have also become the go-to for questions from girlfriends, and that feels good! What are you looking forward to over the next 6-12 months? Relaunching the CherryTV.com website (with support from our indiegogo compaign, creating new videos, and integrating partner content!

More about Jill:


Jill Abrahams is the Executive Producer/Founder of CherryTV.com. She's worked on the internet and in television for more than 15 years. Prior to creating CherryTV.com, Jill produced content and developed strategies for web-based, interactive programming at media outlets such as Rainbow Media and the Russian Media Group.

In 1998, Jill expanded her production work at Pseudo as founder and executive producer of Cherrybomb.com, CherryTV.com’s predecessor. It was then that Jill first developed a firm commitment to helping women develop sexual confidence by producing programming that honestly reflects women’s sexual needs and interests. Prior to her work at Pseudo, Jill honed her video production skills during a four-year stint as a producer for the then-fledgling Food Network. Originally hired as a Production Assistant and the Network’s tenth employee, Jill learned first-hand what it takes to build a successful media outlet from the ground up.

Jill began her initial preparations for a career in media during college, earning a BA from the School of Journalism at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.

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Carol Queen Opens Up on Sex & Sexuality

Here at GetLusty, we love talking to experts. From sexologists to therapists and in between. Well, Carol is way past that. Here, we call Carol, "The Queen of Sex Ed." She's been involved in sex education since the 1970s.

Today, Carol dishes out some of the best things she's encountered. We caught up with this busy lady and asked her a few questions of her most interesting moments of recent. Check out several of the questions GetLusty's Erica Grigg asked in our GetLusty interview below.

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How did you get into sex education?

The pretty short answer is, I have been a member of the LGBT community since the 1970s (I'm bisexual). Back in the day, college gay groups would do panels and lectures to give non-biased information about these issues. I liked doing those, and then just a few years later I was doing many more, in the context of the HIV/AIDS epidemic. That's when I realized sex education was both a calling for me, and a possible profession. I moved to San Francisco and started working on my PhD in sexology at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, as well as volunteering with San Francisco Sex Information, a non-profit sex ed hotline which trained its volunteers extensively--I was its co-training coordinator for a while.

Around that time I met Joani Blank, founder of Good Vibrations. She hired me to work one day a week in the store, but when they found out I was training in sexology I was asked to create GV's Continuing Education program. The full range of our ed programming grew out of this (except the classes aimed at the public -- we were already doing those), and when I got my doctorate, my job title changed to "Staff Sexologist" -- to our knowledge, we were the first adult company to have a trained sexologist on staff. Now my job involves overseeing our educational programming, supporting frontline staff who get tough or unusual sex questions from customers, representing the business to the press and public, and answering customer questions, which I do here.

Subsequently my partner Robert and I, who had been doing classes together in SF and all around the country, created a nonprofit, the Center for Sex & Culture, to host such classes and other events such as community organizations' meetings, cultural events about sex, etc. We also have a library and archive plus a gallery. More info about that at Sex & Culture -- there are class and event listings, plus more about the non-profit, and "donate here" button, etc.

Would you call yourself the 'queen of sex ed' (because we're thinking that'd be an apt title for you)?

That's cute! While it's not my own moniker for myself, I'm good with it.

What's the most interesting story you have of a couple coming to you with sexual issues?

What comes to mind is a GV customer who reached out to me with a thorny issue in his marriage. His wife, an attorney, had semi-recently had their first child; the child's first birthday was looming soon, and she had not been open to having sex with her husband since before the birth. I asked him whether this was a huge change from an enthusiastic sex partner (prior to her pregnancy) and he said no, not really, she was always fairly lukewarm and perhaps somewhat uncomfortable about sex.

Many elements of this story are not too uncommon, either: Our Mommy Playdates attract young moms, some of whom really struggle with "getting back in the saddle" after having babies. And of course there are plenty of women who have never (so far!) discovered the key to loving sex; those women don't all stay single, though, and this can be a thorny issue in a relationship.

What did you recommend for them?

Well, every couple has two participants, of course. And in a situation like this, each has to understand their perspective and what they bring to the situation. To (hopefully) help this couple, there were a number of elements I had to bring up. The first was explaining to the husband that pressure or wheedling would never work; gently educating him that her lack of comfort about sex would be something he'd have to be understanding and supportive around, or she'd have NO incentive to change. Finally, advising that she be frank with her doctor about the post-partum elements (I didn't think that was the main problem, but it could certainly have been exacerbated by hormonal changes, and any precipitous drop in sexual interest could be a symptom of a medical problem).

Plus there was her original lukewarm feeling about sex; was she without correct sex education and unable to understand (and convey to her husband) they way her arousal worked? Had she perhaps been abused or had other negative sexual experiences, including growing up in a household where sex was represented as shameful? Was she non-orgasmic? I recommended a number of books for her. In a situation like this, she really must take some responsibility. While I don't believe that it is in any way the role of a wife to please her husband, a marriage without sex is not appropriate unless both partners want that or unless the issues involved are spelled out. If she has no interest in ever changing her relationship to sexuality, he deserves to know this. I also recommended they see a sex therapist, if she would go.

What's the most interesting thing you've learned about sex lately?

Just two weeks ago I was at a great conference at Widener University in PA -- it has one of the most substantial sex ed professional programs anywhere, and the conference was specifically for those who are interested in sex education as a career. I was there to keynote it, which was a real honor, especially because one of the biggest stars in sexology was present, Beverly Whipple. She is the professional and most associated with information about the G-spot; she has continued to research it and stays in touch with others who also do such research. It is finally being officially regarded as "the female prostate," and her update was that actual G-spot ejaculation is not super-copious and that when G-spot ejaculators gush a lot of fluid and make a huge wet spot, that fluid is now thought to be very dilute urine. It's not yet understood just how the urine, in a situation of arousal like this, becomes so dilute; there is still much to learn about this part of our anatomy.

What's your favorite book around sex education?

I have so many faves! I really can't pick just one, at least not for long, since great new books keep coming out. I think my current favorite book is Jaclyn Friedman's What You Really, Really Want. It's about limits and desires, really an excellent way for (especially) young women (but really everyone) to think about integrating sexuality in a healthy and fulfilling way into their lives. I love this book! It's one of the ones I recommended to the low-desire wife I mentioned above. Your readers might also be interested in the recommended book lists I've compiled both for my own website and on the Good Vibes site.

What are you most looking forward to over the next year?

I have a fantastic working trip planned for next spring; will go to South By Southwest in Austin, TX (my first time there!) to do a panel about the history of sex in technology, followed by a trip to CatalystCon East -- Catalyst is one of my very favorite sex conferences (here's a list that includes it plus some others). I travel two or three times a year to sexuality-related events, and it's one of my favorite ways to take the pulse of community interests and discussions about sexual topics.

Plus, I have a new book I'm getting started on! Not sure how soon it will come to fruition, but its working title is The Elements of Sex-Positivity.

More about Carol Queen:

Carol Queen is a writer, educator, activist with a doctorate in Sexology and an organizer in the GLBTQ community with some of the first youth-oriented approaches. She publishes a regular sex and relationship column on Good Vibes.

She is an owner/worker at the Good Vibrations toy and book emporium and The Center for Sexuality and Culture where she provides training and educational workshops for the staff and public. Her list of books can be found here and more information on Carol Queen can be found on her website CarolQueen.com. Follow Carol on Twitter @carolqueen and 'Like' her on Facebook.

In 1975, Carol helped found GAYouth (one of the first groups for underage Gays and Lesbians in the nation) in Eugene, Oregon. She served as director of the Gay and Lesbian student union at my university later in that decade and was on the steering committee of Eugene Citizens for Human Rights, founded to preserve gay rights which were under attack from right-wing forces. In 1988, she was director of education at the community-based AIDS education and support project in Eugene. Her training (after graduating with a major in sociology, a Phi Beta Kappa, and a stint in graduate school) comes from the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco's graduate school of sexology - and, of course, from the school of life.

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Could Loving More Mean Hurting Less?

At GetLusty for Couples, we occasionally discuss polyamory. It can definitely be a viable alternative for couples looking to change up their relationship. You may not yet be ready for polyamory, as we aren't yet. As long as you have an amazing sexual relationship--that's what's most important! If you are polyamorous, does that mean you're less likely to be violent? How much does the act of defining your sexuality influence your life for the better? Technogeisha, our polyswinging and poly-advocate, is here to talk about how poly relationships might actually decrease domestic violence.

Quick editorial note: Why does GetLusty care about violence (or lack of it)? Talking about sexuality, we talk about where we've come. Since many of us (at least 1 in 5) have encountered violence--sexual or physical--which we're still scarred by, violence is an issue we seriously care about.

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Recently, in Long Beach, CA two girls decided they needed to meet after school to fight. A couple of hours later, one of the girls was rushed to the hospital and later succumbed to unknown injuries. What struck me about this story was the fact that this girl died just weeks before her 11th birthday and that they met to fight over a boy. I was trying to wrap my head around the concept that two fifth grade girls felt they had to meet in an alley to throw down over a guy like guests on an episode of The Jerry Springer Show. They only tussled for about a minute, no weapons were involved and no one fell to the ground. When others tried to intervene, some boys stopped them because they wanted to watch the girls fight. How does this kind of jealousy and rivalry start so early?

Since reading "Sex at Dawn”, I was beginning to realize that I’ve become more sensitive to news like this. There seems to be a steady stream of these crimes of passion. Plus, the news has no problem serving up stories like the astronaut who drove across the country to kill her rival, or the Orange County woman who cut off her husband’s penis and said, “He deserved it.” There are endless reports about people who suspect infidelity and then run off to kill or maim both their spouse and the alleged lover.

Up until recently, a man could be considered justified in a case like this and the charges dismissed. It’s the subject of books, movies, television shows and songs. The need to possess and control someone has been strong enough to make people react in ways from the extreme to the petty. It made me wonder what domestic violence and homicide crime rates would look like if people managed their jealousy and possessiveness better. Are people in open relationships less likely to let these feelings push them into hurting someone? Are there fewer instances of homicide and abuse among the non-monogamous?

Statistics

An extensive online search only provided general statistics, proving that there is very little research available on the subject. The Department of Justice Statistics state women are more likely to be killed by an intimate partner or family member than by strangers. Violence resulting in homicide against women was perpetrated by someone they knew intimately 30% of the time.

Homicide committed by a stranger was just under 9% with 28% as unknown. Conversely, only 5% of men were involved in intimate partner violence. It’s estimated that intimate partner violence claims the lives of three women and one man every day. These reports don’t get into detail other than gender, race and weapon, so there were no specific reasons behind these attacks. I had to search elsewhere to find more about what drives people to hurt their partner.

Why Hurt?

An interesting article on the TLC Family website by Jonathan Strickland tries to tackle the question “Why do we kill?” There is a percentage that has to do with anti-social behavior and a lack of empathy. Then, there is the emotional component that leads to the aforementioned crime of passion. Jealousy, revenge, anger and fear could provide sufficient motivation to lead someone to commit an act of violence. The desire to control someone emotionally and physically can also drive people to act before using introspection or dialogue to find a passive and proactive solution.

The book, "Why Do They Kill: Men Who Murder Their Intimate Partners," by David Abrams, found the reasons were less a “crime of passion” and more about long-standing grievances that escalate over time. Substance abuse, distrust, and a disdain for women were also factors that Dr. Katherine Van Warner (another prolific author on domestic violence) pointed out in an online interview about domestic violence and how it is derived from a patriarchal society.

Van Warner states, “But there are many other factors such as alcohol and other drug use which removes inhibitions, stress related to global competition as reflected in employment, and psychological factors, which may be the most crucial factor of all. The psychological portrait of the male abuser is of an insecure man, who is possessive of his wife/partner and who isolates her so he can control her. Typically, he has been abused in childhood. This man doesn’t know how to love and trust.”

Open Relationships

I had hoped to find a few statistics in the context of open marriages and poly relationships but came up empty-handed. I could not pin down whether people in open relationships reacted less violently than those in monogamous relationships, either. There is little desire in mainstream circles to document these statistics. Whether a couple is open or monogamous was never asked in either statistical reports or surveys. It seems easy to assume the answers lie only in jealousy and the emotions that go with it because of the information available. This makes it seem like the triggers for domestic violence and intimate partner homicide are more complicated than we might think.

Anti-social behavior, substance abuse and mental instability are factors that can’t be dealt with by simply keeping an open mind about relationships. Domestic violence happens even in open relationships. Embracing the open lifestyle doesn’t eliminate the prospect of infidelity, the feelings of jealousy, nor does it eliminate other factors in abuse.

The only thing open relationships may be able to provide are better tools and understanding to deal with it. More research on the subject may tell us if there is any decrease in the likelihood of violence in non-monogamous relationships. Monogamous couples can learn a lot from open and poly folk. Taking the time to rethink their reactions, taking responsibility for their own emotions and not to forcing others to change to accommodate their insecurities could help people when making life-altering decisions. It won’t save everyone but it could save a few relationships and might save a few lives in the process.

Cross posted with permission from Life on the Swingset.

Technogeisha loves to use her passion for writing and research to learn more about open relationships and sexuality. She looks forward to sharing her discoveries with all of you. She writes for Life on the Swing Set and contributes to Sexis Social at Eden Fantasy's and other sites. Subscribe to her Facebook feed on Miko Technogeisha and follow her on Twitter at @Technogeisha.

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The Birth of the Modern Gay Rights Movement

After finding a slightly sexist but hilarious meme that we posted on Facebook (which was approved by our gay and straight friends), it dawned on me that I knew very little about gay culture. And the gay rights movement for that matter. We care about and support gay marriage. So we should know the history of the gay rights struggle. In the United States, as well as other countries, the LGBTQ movement has come a long way. Luckily, GetLusty's Mary-Margaret Sweene is here to review some of the milestones that have led us to where we are within the American gay rights movement.

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When politicians and pundits talk about the modern gay rights movement, it is often in a way that obscures the long and lumbering, laborious and lovely, struggle for equal rights. It's easy to forget that groups of gay activists have been making noise for quite some time.

Homosexuality has, indeed, been observed as far back into history as we can reach, across cultures and continents. The Greeks are often called to mind. But when did an activity become an identity, a census check box, a political movement? Historian John D'Emilio begins his book Sexual Politics, Sexual Communities in November 1950, in a Los Angeles living room. Five men met at the home of Harry Hay to discuss "the heroic objective of liberating one of our largest minorities." This gathering eventually led to an organization called The Mattachine Society, the first established gay rights group in history.

Of course, this didn't just pop out of history at random. As the nuclear family changed, the mandate of procreation curbed. WWII scattered young people of marrying age. Men hunkered down together in fox holes; women donned pants and operated factory equipment. People moved away from their families to big cities. For the first time, men and women had a real choice in who they would pursue. The Kinsey Report, published first in 1948, disrupted long-held assumptions about sex.

For years, people with same-sex attractions found refuge in big cities, and in underground clubs and bars. Police raids often shut the establishments down, and photos of patrons arrested were published to humiliate. Yet despite the terror of being revealed to friends and family in the morning paper, those who longed for a community continued to flock to these bars.

The Stonewall Inn was one such place.

On June 28th 1969, gay and transgender patrons gathered at The Stonewall Inn. The evening had a somber tone, as a gay community icon, Judy Garland, had just passed away. And during their evening of mourning, celebrating, and fellowship, the police conducted a raid. The usual routine of violence against patrons while a paddy wagon idled outside began to unfold. But this time, the bar patrons fought back.

The NYPD quickly lost all control of the situation and a riot ensued. The cries from the bar drew the attention of surrounding Greenwich Village gay residents and the riot grew into the streets. It continued into the next day.

It reignited several days later. This was the start of something big. Within months of the riots, multiple gay rights organizations had formed and began jockeying for political visibility. Several newspapers and magazines catering to a gay community came into circulation. In June of 1970, the first parades were held in New York, LA, and Chicago. We still celebrate Pride at the end of June to mark the beginning of the modern gay rights movement.

Why is this important? Because it's estimated that between 30-40% of gay teens have attempted suicide.   They yearn for acceptance in a world too slow to change. Knowledge, as they say, is power. I will never forget my first Women's Studies course in college. I sat with tears in my eyes, realizing that while I had grown up learning that men had built our world, in reality many women had a hand in the undertaking as well. The next semester I took an African American history course and felt embarrassed that my experience as a white female had precluded my knowledge of the Africans Americans who built our nation. But then I looked around the room and I saw black students experiencing what I had felt in that Women's Studies course. We were people with rich histories. And we didn't even know it.

Earlier this year, a family member of mine came out. He said that when I'd taken him to the Chicago Pride Parade, he overheard me mention "the riot 40 years ago." "I didn't know what you meant," he said. "It's my history, and I didn't know it."

Here's to knowing. Here's to pride.

For further reading and to get the full, inspiring story of the gay rights struggle, check out the following sources:
John D'Emilio, Sexual Politics, Sexual Communities: The Making of a Homosexual Minority in the United States, 1940-1970

George Chauncy, Why Marriage?: The History Shaping Today's Debate Over Gay Equality
Films: Before Stonewall (released 1985); After Stonewall (released 2005)

Mary-Margaret McSweene is a writer and graduate student in Chicago. Her undergraduate degrees are in Social Justice Studies and Feminist Theory which basically means she knows how to ruin a dinner party by calling bullshit on another guest.

She spends inordinate amounts of time thinking, reading and writing about feminist issues, punctuated by brief respites to enjoy good tea and good beer. Contact her at editorial@getlusty.com or follow her on her brand new shiny Twitter, @MMMcSweene.

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Why Won’t He Have Sex With Me?

Being fresh into a relationship can come up with numerous questions. Though many of our readers are in long-term relationships, we can remember thinking back to year one. Things were wonderful, but sometimes these new relationships come with some problems. What happens when your lover doesn't want to have sex? This question came from one of our followers, and what better way to introduce J. Cameron Gantt, the Insti(Gay)tor, and our go-to-gay for newly coupled dates and relationships!

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Dear GetLusty for Couples,

My boyfriend and I have been together for about a year, but for the last 6 months I feel like we are stuck. Basically, we don’t have sex anymore. We used to have it on a daily basis and it was amazing. But lately it seems like he avoids it at all costs. He even goes as far as to start arguments with me just to kill the mood.

A few weeks ago, I caught him jerking off while looking at porn and he was totally into it…until he finally unglued his eyes from the screen and looked up. I wasn’t even mad at the fact that he was looking at porn, I was more upset because I felt betrayed. I have been sexually starved for 6 months, breaking my back trying to get our sex life back on track, and he’s been having jerk-fest at 3am while he thinks I’m asleep. I have tried to discuss this with him and even now he refuses to talk about it.

I love him, but I can’t hold out any longer. I don’t want to end things, but I have been considering cheating on him. If I do, I know that there will be no coming back from that. What can I do to help save things?

Sincerely
Billy Blu Balls, 35

Dear Billy Blu Balls,

Thanks for sharing! I am so sorry you are going through this. Bad sex is just as bad as no sex and both can drive a guy insane. Hopefully, my advice can help you get things back on track.

I don’t know your boyfriend, but I suspect that there is something deeper going on with him. Typically when sex patterns change, it is indicative that something deeper is going on. Maybe there has been a drastic change in another area of his life that has transitioned into the bedroom. Maybe he is having some self-esteem issues or maybe he’s addicted to porn…who knows. There is no real way for you to know for sure unless you two start communicating. Whatever he is going through is beyond your control and things aren’t going to get better unless he is willing to engage with you.

This is what I want you to remember: your needs are important, and though sex may not be the most important aspect of a relationship, it is a valid one (at least in the top 5). I appreciate your honesty but the fact that you are admitting to wanting to cheat on him may be a sign that this may not be the right relationship for you.

Here’s what I suggest:

Your relationship with him is still fairly new. We’d like to think that a year is a long period of time but the reality is that you two are barely scratching the surface of getting to know each other. I suggest you guys pull a “Ross and Rachel” and take a break. It sounds like both of you may need some space and figure out what type of relationship you have now, and the type of relationship you want to have moving forward.

The break shouldn’t last longer than 2 weeks and you make it a point not to contact each other until that period is over. During this time, you should focus on you and what you want and let him focus on him. At the end of the break, meet up in a neutral territory so you can get reacquainted with each other. Both of you should be open and honest about your wants and needs. See if there is any opportunity to repair what has been broken and, if you are both game, work together to and commit to making things better. I would even suggest hiring a helping professional to assist in moderating to avoid slipping back into the same old pattern. If you decide to break things off, make it a clean break and commit to living your best single gay sex life.

Either way, focus your time and energy on moving forward and not feeling stuck.

I hope things work out for you,
J. Cameron

J. Cameron Gantt is a Matchmaker and Certified Professional Coach specializing in gay dating and relationships. He is the founder of Insti(Gay)tor, a Chicago-based matchmaking agency for the gay community and has dedicated to his time to helping gay singles find love and live their best gay lives.

Cameron currently serves as an expert contributor on a variety of dating websites including Yourtango.com and Singleswarehouse.net. He also hosts a variety of GLBT singles events in the Chicagoland area. Connect with him on Twitter @instigaytor, Facebook and at Instigaytor.com.

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Podcast! Cheryl Sloane on Pleasing Your Partner & Owning Your Sexuality

G boutique opened in Chicago in 2002 as a lingerie and sex toy shop owned and operated by women, for women. Ten years later, it is one of the city's premier boutiques for selling top-notch products in an environment that is both comforting and empowering for women. At GetLusty, we're all about taking control of your own sexuality, so we caught up with owner Cheryl Sloane and recorded it for your listening pleasure. Here's what she had to say:

More on what we talked about:

• Why the need for a shop like G Boutique? According to Cheryl, "To create an environment that promotes sexual education and a place where women can feel comfortable buying anything they needed for sex and romance."
• Her advice to newer couples who are still getting to know each other? Take time to find out what pleases your significant other and learn about them — while orgasms are great, there is more to a healthy relationship than just climaxing!
• Having difficulty achieving an orgasm with your partner? There may be lingering emotional, biological and physical factors involved, but relaxation and communication are key, Cheryl believes.
• What are Cheryl's recommendations for couples looking to keep things fresh and exciting? If you have an interest in something, research it and get the information first before discussing it with your partner, so you can have an educated conversation and explore those secret fantasies together. (Hint, hint — Check out GetLusty!)

More about Cheryl:

Born and raised in Chicago, Cheryl Sloane lived and worked in Bucktown in Chicago for 15 years before opening g boutique. Here's how it happened: Cheryl and (former co-owner) Kari wanted to write erotic fiction. 

After many brunches they got this crazy idea that Chicago wanted a boutique where women would feel comfortable buying everything they need for romance. Without a retail background, Cheryl called upon her theatre friends to help design a comfortable boutique where people would enjoy shopping. G boutique was always imagined as a place to build and support community. That was in 2002. Now, ten years later, she is thrilled to be helping people explore their intimate relationships in a safe, friendly environment. Connect with Cheryl and the g boutique staff on their website, on Facebook and Twitter @gboutique, or visit G Boutique, located at 2131 North Damen in Chicago, Illinois.

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6 Types of Sit Ups for Better Posture

A key component of amazing sex is a healthy body! Have you ever noted how your posture influences your mood? What others think and feel about you?  When was the last time you did a situp, anyway? Well, you're right. A strong core--including stomach/ab muscles can greatly improve your posture. A good way to work those abs out? Sit ups! But not any ol' sit-ups. GetLusty staff writer and fitness writer, Arturo Chilaca, is here to talk about the first in his series on fitness for better sex. Six kinds of sit ups (that you may never have tried)!

Disclaimer: Please be mindful of your body. If something hurts, please don't keep doing it. Consult your doctor before trying a new fitness and diet regimen. Please don't sue GetLusty for Couples.

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A key factor to sexuality is your posture. Your stance alone can easily identify the kind of person you are. Whether you slouch over or stand with confidence. You don’t need to have the perfect face or body to be sexy. It’s all about confidence in your character and yourself. Sit-ups help with your posture as well as tone the muscles that both sexes find extremely attractive.

There are hundreds of sit-ups to do, but I am going to list some simple sit ups to advance that work out your abdominal muscles to the V cut which many people struggle to get. Either way, having a strong core is great for your mind, body and sexuality. So stay strong and start with these sit ups!

The order is from easiest to hardest. 

#1 The traditional sit-up

The easiest to start with you lay flat on the ground bend your knees and keep your feet flat on the ground. You keep your hands either behind your head hands interlaced or keep them in front of you crossed over your chest. If you’re a beginner, this exercise will require you to have someone hold your feet in place. If you are at that advance stage, do the sit up without anyone holding your feet. Make sure your feet aren't moving all over the place, though. Simply go up till your elbows pass your knees and go back down.

#2 Crunches

Similar to the sit up. The only difference is instead of going all the way up. You only go up half-way so using your abdominal muscles. You can also criss-cross each hand on your shoulders for slightly less support.

#3 Bicycles

You start similar to the sit up. Except now you lift your legs off the ground and keep them bent in the air. Your hands stay behind your head interlaced. You bring your left knee and right elbow to touch as close as you can while your right leg straightens out. Come back to the starting position and do the same for the right knee and left elbow. The faster you can do this work out the better, the more of a burn you feel.

#3 Bent leg raise

How to get into this one? Lay flat on your back knees bent and you place your hands at the lower part of your back. Then, bring your legs into your chest and then extend them outward, keeping your feet 6 inches above the ground and chin to your chest. Hold this position for 60 seconds, then bring them back into your chest and back to placing your feet flat on the floor again.

#4 Side bridge

For this exercise, start on your side stack. Your feet on top of each other and your forearm under your shoulder, your other hand placed over your belly button or on your hip. Lift your hips off the floor keep your body in a straight line from head to toe. Do this exercise for 60 seconds (or start off with 20 seconds and work your way up), then switch over to your side and repeat the same steps.

#5 V-Up

For the starting position, lay flat on the ground with your hands at a forty-five degree angle, palms facing downward. Your head is tucked into your chest about one to two inches off the ground. Then, raise your upper body and legs up in the shape of a V as your hands stay flat on the ground. Bring your body back down slowly keeping your head and feet off the ground. Your feet should be about two inches off the ground when returning to the start position. Start off with at least 10 to get a feel for the exercise.

#6 Leg tuck and twist

The starting position is you sitting down hands placed by your hips with your legs slightly off the ground creating a forty five degree angle with your body.

First, bring your legs to the left side of your body as close as you can. Then return to the starting position and have your legs go to right side. This is a four count sit up. That's considered one!

Well done, GetLusty readers. You've worked out your abs and gotten closer to having great health and a positive posture.

Arturo Chilaca has a wealth of knowledge on health. He's a workout buff, Army reserve and helping others become fit. Favorite things to do would be workout, basketball, helping other get into shape, and enjoying a good movie. Arturo is a very open-minded guy and he wants to make the most of life in gain new experiences constantly. Get in touch with him at editorial@getlusty.com. 

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You Should Know: Your 11 Sexual Rights

Did you know you have sexual rights? Both women and men--regardless of your orientation--have sexual rights. And given our current political situation, we thought now was an excellent time to consider our sexual rights. Does your candidate support women's sexual and reproductive rights? Amy Jo Goddard explains more about your sexual rights; where they come from and why they're important to you!

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Given the latest attacks on women’s sexual and reproductive rights and the responses of many critical thinking lawmakers about men’s sexual rights, I thought it was high time I posted the actual Declaration of Sexual Rights.

I’ve often heard people’s surprise at the idea of having sexual rights. I hope you’ll give some thought to the eleven rights that my colleagues at the World Association for Sexology drafted back in 1999. Bring into the light how important it is that we address sexuality as a fundamental part of who we are and of our total freedom, equality and certainly, our pursuit of happiness.

Below is the Declaration of Sexual Rights expanded. It is adopted from the 14th World Congress of Sexology, Hong Kong, 1999. That document was itself adopted from the Universal Declaration of Sexual Rights.

Sexuality is an integral part of the personality of every human being. Its full development depends upon the satisfaction of basic human needs such as the desire for contact, intimacy, emotional expression, pleasure, tenderness and love.

Sexuality is constructed through the interaction between the individual and social structures. Full development of sexuality is essential for individual, interpersonal, and societal well being.

Sexual rights are universal human rights based on the inherent freedom, dignity, and equality of all human beings. Since health is a fundamental human right, so must sexual health be a basic human right.

In order to assure that human beings and societies develop healthy sexuality, the following sexual rights must be recognized, promoted, respected, and defended by all societies through all means. Sexual health is the result of an environment that recognizes, respects and exercises these sexual rights.

The 11 Sexual Rights: 


#1. The right to sexual freedom. Sexual freedom encompasses the possibility for individuals to express their full sexual potential. However, this excludes all forms of sexual coercion, exploitation and abuse at any time and situations in life.

#2 The right to sexual autonomy, sexual integrity, and safety of the sexual body. This right involves the ability to make autonomous decisions about one’s sexual life within a context of one’s own personal and social ethics. It also encompasses control and enjoyment of our own bodies free from torture, mutilation and violence of any sort.

#3 The right to sexual privacy. This involves the right for individual decisions and behaviors about intimacy as long as they do not intrude on the sexual rights of others.

#4 The right to sexual equity. This refers to freedom from all forms of discrimination regardless of sex, gender, sexual orientation, age, race, social class, religion, or physical and emotional disability.

#5 The right to sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure, including autoeroticism, is a source of physical, psychological, intellectual and spiritual well being.

#6 The right to emotional sexual expression. Sexual expression is more than erotic pleasure or sexual acts. Individuals have a right to express their sexuality through communication, touch, emotional expression and love.

#7 The right to sexually associate freely. This means the possibility to marry or not, to divorce, and to establish other types of responsible sexual associations.

#8 The right to make free and responsible reproductive choices. This encompasses the right to decide whether or not to have children, the number and spacing of children, and the right to full access to the means of fertility regulation.


#9 The right to sexual information based upon scientific inquiry. This right implies that sexual information should be generated through the process of unencumbered and yet scientifically ethical inquiry, and disseminated in appropriate ways at all societal levels.

#10 The right to comprehensive sexuality education. This is a lifelong process from birth throughout the life cycle and should involve all social institutions.

#11 The right to sexual health care. Sexual health care should be available for prevention and treatment of all sexual concerns, problems and disorders.

Amy Jo Goddard is a sexual empowerment coach, author, and sexuality educator who blogs regularly at www.amyjogoddard.com. She is founder of SPECTRA, a mentorship program to help sexuality professionals make more money doing the sexuality work they are passionate about.

As a David Neagle Certified Miracle of Money coach, Amy Jo helps women and couples create financial abundance, sexual pleasure and create the relationships and lives they desire. She teaches her Women’s Sexually Empowered Life Program in New York City and travels the US teaching courses and speaking at sexuality events. Visit www.amyjogoddard.com to get your free copy of her "Bringing Sexy Back: How to Revitalize a Dwindling Sex Life" audio class! Follow her on @amyjogoddard on Twitter.

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Debunking 3 Myths on Sex After Pregnancy

We have had few articles on sex after pregnancy. GetLusty is working on changing that, starting off with debunking myths on sex after pregnancy. Mary-Margaret Sweene reports. Admittedly, she is childless. However, like a wonderful journalist, Mary-Margaret did some investigative reporting and interviewed several of her friends with children.

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I had lunch with a friend of mine who had recently become a mama. When the topic turned to sex, she poked at her salad and replied, "Oh, you know. It is what it is. At first it's non-existent. But then it's, like...weird." Weird? Weird how?

"I don't know. It happens at weird times. And it's quiet. And sometimes it happens in weird places. Wherever the kids are not at the time."

"So it's like prison sex?" I joked.

My friend put down her fork, looked at me, and blinked. "Yeah," she said. "I guess it's sort of like prison sex."

I imagined our master bedroom a cell. With little soundproofing between us and the cell adjacent, containing little criminals we'd brought upon ourselves. Who were they to steal our sex lives from us? This after nine months of forced sobriety, too. I used to glow when I saw my husband hold a friend's baby, imagining our own wee ones to come. But after that lunch, I practically grimaced when my husband noticed a kid at all. "Careful," I warned. "You give it a bottle and soon it's 1971 and we're living in Attica."

But I started to consider that most couples have multiple children. How did the second one come about if sex virtually disappears after the first kid? I felt that caring so much about the future of my sex life, when stacked against the joy and responsibility of child-rearing, would be seen as immature. But as my concern persisted, I realized that I didn't much care how I was perceived by anyone but my husband. If sex was important to us, we needed to weigh how it would impacted by children.

First, I took to the internet. A quick Wiki search told me that six weeks postpartum, 57% of American women have resumed intercourse. By three months, 82-85%. The numbers were encouraging. But, I'm a social scientist. I wanted qualitative, and not just quantitative. A couple of my mama friends weighed in to debunk my top three fears of post-baby sex.

#1 Sex is not going to be as good as it once was.

"Sex got exponentially better for me postpartum.  Before I had a baby, it was very difficult for me to orgasm during sex. After having sex four weeks after I had my daughter, sex actually felt good for the first time.  I didn't orgasm the first time I had sex postpartum, but I was close.  After the third or fourth postpartum sex session, I was orgasming regularly.  It was awesome. Something about childbirth and pregnancy must have done something to my body that just made sex easier and more enjoyable." --L., early 20s, one child with another on the way

"It was nice to have sex whenever, wherever [before having kids]. But my body got way more sensitive in all the best ways after having kids. I don't know why or how, but it's great." --A., mid 20s, two children with another on the way.

Hmmm. That doesn't exactly sound like death row to me. 

#2 So who cares if the sex is better if you don't have any time for it?

"Sometimes you just have to make it happen. We're lucky to have family around who will take the kids over night. There's also a chance for sex in the early morning or late evening. Sometimes during nap times. Sometimes you're dead tired but it's been way too long for both of you. Usually sleep trumps sex but certainly not all of the time." --A.

"Life with children is really not as terrible as depicted on TV shows. Your house is not always a huge mess with food/fecal matter/crayons all over the floors and walls. Kids aren't running around screaming 24/7. We always had time for sex, though it may not have always been at night.  Sometimes you have to get creative and have sex on the living room couch while the baby takes a nap in the middle of the day!" --L.

#3 What if you're nursing?

"It can be a bit embarrassing at times until you get used to what your body will do. I almost always leak milk when I get close to an orgasm. It can be a little alarming at first, but now we both just know that if I'm still breast feeding, there's going to be one extra bodily fluid around afterwards. Whatever, right? Sex is kind of sticky and wet anyway." --A.

"If my boobs were full of milk in the morning and I hadn't nursed my daughter yet, and we wanted to have sex, I would just make sure not to "squish" them in whatever position we utilized.  Breast feeding did, however, scare me into wearing a bra during sex.  I'd read that milk can spray out of your nipples during an orgasm, so I didn't want to take any chances by having sex topless.  My partner didn't mind; I don't think he was too keen on getting a milk shower." --L.

It seems that a healthy sex life can remain so after baby. To ensure a smoother transition into sex after pregnancy, start communicating with your partner now. What fears do the two of you have? Can you talk one another through them, find a book, ask your doctor or a friend?

And of course, sex is not just defined by intercourse. While you're waiting to heal, I'm sure GetLusty can give you plenty of ideas for non-intercourse sexy fun. 

Are you a parent? Share with us how you still GetLusty post-baby!

Mary-Margaret McSweene is a writer and graduate student in Chicago. Her undergraduate degrees are in Social Justice Studies and Feminist Theory which basically means she knows how to ruin a dinner party by calling bullshit on another guest.

She spends inordinate amounts of time thinking, reading and writing about feminist issues, punctuated by brief respites to enjoy good tea and good beer. Contact her at mary@getlusty.com or follow her on her brand new shiny Twitter, @MMMcSweene. Email her at Editorial@Getlusty.com

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Tristan Taormino's Expert Guide to Pegging Reviewed

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