Q: Am I Too Busy for Sex?

You have sex questions, we have sex answers. Check out this question answered from one of our favorite sex therapists, Moushumi Ghose!

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Question

Dear GetLusty,

My husband is always working. Whenever he comes home to me (I also work but not as many hours), I just want to have a conversation. Well, by the end of the conversation we end up feeling tired and want to go to bed. It seems like he works too much and doesn't have enough time for me. This makes me feel like I don't want to have sex with him. What should I do? I don't think I can keep living this way without going crazy!

Signed,
Frustrated wife

Answer

Dear Frustrated Wife,

I am terribly sorry to hear that your husband's busy schedule has you wanting to go crazy. My first question is have you talked to your husband about it? I understand you two are having a conversation when he gets home from work, but what is the conversation about?

Tell him how you feel

Having a conversation about the fact that you feel neglected would definitely be the first step. The best way to get the point across is by using "I statements," such as "I feel neglected," or "I feel like I need more of a connection in order to be sexual with you." Then give him some suggestions that help build connections even when time is limited.

Here is the thing, the short amount of interaction you have is just not enough to get you in the mood for sex with your husband. Many women, and men too, need to feel safe, need to feel like their partner has their back in the relationship, need to feel connected to their partner first, if they are to feel sexy with them. If you're husband is taking you for granted, not treating you in any special way to let you know how important you are to him then you're not going to want to return the favor. What people often fail to realize that sex is just another form of expressing to someone how close you feel to them, but the closeness often has to come from other sources. And, the magic is that it doesn't need to take a lot of time.

Try sexting, too

Sometimes words can do just the trick, maybe if you were to hear how beautiful you are, or maybe even some more sexy dirty words or phrases could get you in the mood. If you're husband is terribly busy and doesn't come home till late, why not try some sexting?

It takes less than 60 seconds for him to send you a romantic, sexy, or dirty text during the day, and he can send up anywhere from 3-5 dirty texts in a day, and this may put romance back on both of your minds, without making you feel overly neglected. This way both of your minds are already thinking about each other, and the propensity to be aroused in a short time is greater.

Get creative with foreplay

The key is to get creative with foreplay. Before you two leave for work in the morning, try saying something sexy to each other, keep your mind sexy together, even while you are apart. That way when you do come together it feels like no time has passed.

Best,
Moushumi Ghose

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral  Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Have a question about fantasies or our Shades of Grey content month? Send them over to rachael@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

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Q: Can My Hubby Make Me Feel Sexier?

You have sex questions, we have sex answers. Check out our question of the week answered from one of our favorite sex therapists, Moushumi Ghose!

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Question

Dear GetLusty,

My husband doesn't make me feel sexy, but I feel like I'm still expected to talk dirty or try to turn him on in other ways. I feel like I'm acting out a play every time we are intimate!

I try things like dressing up to get him more heated during sex and he still doesn't put forth any effort with me. I don't think I'll be able to enjoy sex fully until I feel sexy and wanted by him. We've talked about this a little bit but I don't think he understands where I'm coming from. Do you have any tips for communicating this better to my husband? How can he make me feel more sexy?

Signed,
Feeling unsexy

Answer

Dear Feeling unsexy,

Thank you for your question. And, I am sorry to hear that your husband doesn't make you feel sexy but that you still feel expected to walk the walk, so to speak.

It sounds like you've tried to make yourself feel sexier by trying on different sexy outfits, but he just expects you to do all the work. My question to you is why do you continue to do all the work? Speak up, speak clearly, and be heard! You are 50% of this relationship and you're voice is important.

#1 Ask yourself - what do you want?

The first thing to do is ask yourself what would make you feel more sexy? Do you like kissing? Or maybe you want more romance, flowers, dinners?

Perhaps you'd like him to tell you that you're beautiful or appreciate your cooking or style of dress. First thing is to know what would make you feel sexier, and get specific about your needs. The next thing to do is to talk to him. Remind him that you will feel more excited about meeting his needs if your needs are also getting met.

#2 Get specific

Remind him this relationship is a two-way street. It's quite possible that he thinks he is already doing everything he needs to.

Unless you are specific about what you want, he has no way of delivering. Spell it out for him. For example, "I want to kiss for 30 seconds every morning with tongue." "I want to hear that I look beautiful right when I wake up in the morning."

And, do keep in mind that the best time to have this talk is during a non-sexual neutral time when the two of you are spending time together, not when you're already in the throes of intimacy. But, you definitely have a voice in this relationship too. Don't be afraid to use it.

#3 Barter

Third, ask him what he wants and strike up a barter. For example, if you want more kissing, or more romantic gestures you can then strike up a deal with him. For example, "I will give you (insert what he wants here) if we kiss for 30 seconds in the morning." Ask him to give you a specific directive of what he wants.

So, just to review:

1. Know what turns you on and makes you feel sexy. Get in touch with yourself and your needs first.
2. Communicate it to him and be really specific. You have a voice that needs to be heard.
3. Ask him what he wants in return. Let him know his needs are important and don't be afraid to barter.

This way, he gets what he wants and you get what you want. It's a win-win situation!

This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.

Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.

Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.

Don't forget to comment below! Have a question of your own? Send them over to reply@getlusty.com and we'll get them answered!

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