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Question
Dear GetLusty,
My husband is always working. Whenever he comes home to me (I also work but not as many hours), I just want to have a conversation. Well, by the end of the conversation we end up feeling tired and want to go to bed. It seems like he works too much and doesn't have enough time for me. This makes me feel like I don't want to have sex with him. What should I do? I don't think I can keep living this way without going crazy!
Signed,
Frustrated wife
Answer
Dear Frustrated Wife,
I am terribly sorry to hear that your husband's busy schedule has you wanting to go crazy. My first question is have you talked to your husband about it? I understand you two are having a conversation when he gets home from work, but what is the conversation about?
Tell him how you feel
Having a conversation about the fact that you feel neglected would definitely be the first step. The best way to get the point across is by using "I statements," such as "I feel neglected," or "I feel like I need more of a connection in order to be sexual with you." Then give him some suggestions that help build connections even when time is limited.
Here is the thing, the short amount of interaction you have is just not enough to get you in the mood for sex with your husband. Many women, and men too, need to feel safe, need to feel like their partner has their back in the relationship, need to feel connected to their partner first, if they are to feel sexy with them. If you're husband is taking you for granted, not treating you in any special way to let you know how important you are to him then you're not going to want to return the favor. What people often fail to realize that sex is just another form of expressing to someone how close you feel to them, but the closeness often has to come from other sources. And, the magic is that it doesn't need to take a lot of time.
Try sexting, too
It takes less than 60 seconds for him to send you a romantic, sexy, or dirty text during the day, and he can send up anywhere from 3-5 dirty texts in a day, and this may put romance back on both of your minds, without making you feel overly neglected. This way both of your minds are already thinking about each other, and the propensity to be aroused in a short time is greater.
Get creative with foreplay
The key is to get creative with foreplay. Before you two leave for work in the morning, try saying something sexy to each other, keep your mind sexy together, even while you are apart. That way when you do come together it feels like no time has passed.
Best,
Moushumi Ghose
This is a guest post from the well acclaimed Moushumi Ghose.Moushumi Ghose is a Sex Therapist, Educator and Coach, Radio Host, Musician, and Filmmaker. She is licensed by the California Board of Behavioral Science. She is a member of AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists). Mou also has extensive experience working with a variety of populations and diverse lifestyles.
Moushumi recently completed an eBook on, "Marriage, Money and Porn." and writes extensively for numerous other sites ranging from Men's Fitness Magazine to GoodTherapy.org. Find her on Twitter @motor_amour, Facebook and her website LASexTherapist.com.
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